Hi , been active lurker and only post to venting because I don't have anyone to talk to irl....
Really ashamed of it.... There's too many things triggering me this day....
For starter I'm always fat since i was kid and become obese after taking antidepressants.
Last year i got endometrium cancer , and the doctor said because I'm obese...
I'm suffering with body dysmorphophobia since i was a kid. My mother always tell me how it's disgusting to be fat , how she really hate fat people , how she feel ashamed to be my mother because she has nice figure but her daughter not.... How everyone deep down hate me and find me disgusting because I'm fat. It really been in my mind for the last 31 year I'm alive. When i moved abroad for university, i thought i escape from it, I started to love myself more , i got myself a partner , it's been great but one day she saw a photo of me with my partner and she called me only you yell at me how I'm fat and my partner will leave me to date a thinner girl (and he did .... He chase after a friend of me...)
Honestly, it really destroy me and my ability to be with someone without insecure about my body.....
Things happened and now i live with my parents again. Got cancer , and she made it about herself... Honestly the only time i can be sad or accepting my condition is only at night when I'm in my room alone ... Because whenever she's around , she told me how worried she is , how only she can be sad about my condition because she's my mother, and she told all the mean thing in the pretexts of being care as a mother, and of course my father enabling her.
So yeah now , I'm post cancer ,i think i survived but dead inside.... Always hearing how she's disappointed because I'm fat, even though i started to go to gym , even I'm agreeing to take ozempic because i pressured by her and by my brother.
She always told me how disappointed that I'm not a doctor like my brother , how I'm a burden , useless and like a trash living with her, even though it's her who asked me to come back home because my parents are lonely.
Honestly I'm thinking she's right because I'm a trash now, with no employment, no income , nothing to do just being at home..... But honestly I'm lost.... I feel no excitement alive or want anything to do in my live.... I tried to cbt many times but i failed .... Honestly there's nothing that make me want to live anymore ....
I failed to achieve anything that i want in my life....
Like how i want to be standing on my two feet, married, having family , like any ordinary citizen dream? I feel like I can't attain it..... I feel unloved , feel like nobody want me , especially after the hysterectomy, that I can't have children on my own....
Sorry for the rambling and venting... Sorry that i make you read this long meaningless post.... I just want to ve free of everything....
Really ashamed of it.... There's too many things triggering me this day....
For starter I'm always fat since i was kid and become obese after taking antidepressants.
Last year i got endometrium cancer , and the doctor said because I'm obese...
I'm suffering with body dysmorphophobia since i was a kid. My mother always tell me how it's disgusting to be fat , how she really hate fat people , how she feel ashamed to be my mother because she has nice figure but her daughter not.... How everyone deep down hate me and find me disgusting because I'm fat. It really been in my mind for the last 31 year I'm alive. When i moved abroad for university, i thought i escape from it, I started to love myself more , i got myself a partner , it's been great but one day she saw a photo of me with my partner and she called me only you yell at me how I'm fat and my partner will leave me to date a thinner girl (and he did .... He chase after a friend of me...)
Honestly, it really destroy me and my ability to be with someone without insecure about my body.....
Things happened and now i live with my parents again. Got cancer , and she made it about herself... Honestly the only time i can be sad or accepting my condition is only at night when I'm in my room alone ... Because whenever she's around , she told me how worried she is , how only she can be sad about my condition because she's my mother, and she told all the mean thing in the pretexts of being care as a mother, and of course my father enabling her.
So yeah now , I'm post cancer ,i think i survived but dead inside.... Always hearing how she's disappointed because I'm fat, even though i started to go to gym , even I'm agreeing to take ozempic because i pressured by her and by my brother.
She always told me how disappointed that I'm not a doctor like my brother , how I'm a burden , useless and like a trash living with her, even though it's her who asked me to come back home because my parents are lonely.
Honestly I'm thinking she's right because I'm a trash now, with no employment, no income , nothing to do just being at home..... But honestly I'm lost.... I feel no excitement alive or want anything to do in my live.... I tried to cbt many times but i failed .... Honestly there's nothing that make me want to live anymore ....
I failed to achieve anything that i want in my life....
Like how i want to be standing on my two feet, married, having family , like any ordinary citizen dream? I feel like I can't attain it..... I feel unloved , feel like nobody want me , especially after the hysterectomy, that I can't have children on my own....
Sorry for the rambling and venting... Sorry that i make you read this long meaningless post.... I just want to ve free of everything....
