Will you apologize for CTB in your suicide letter? Why or why not?

[Lifeless mindset]

I'll go first. To keep it short and simple, yes, I will apologize to my loved ones for CTB. No family is perfect but god damn it my family gave me their all. If you've ever lost someone to suicide, you'd have an understanding of how CTB can affect loved ones who are left behind. The least I can do is apologize.

 

[Notcatchingthebusbe]

Of course. My parents did their absolute best. They loved me. They did everything for me and I absolutely hate the thought of leaving them behind hut I've really had enough. I'm just glad I've got a massive family who will be there to support them. Well they better.

 

[AbacusRex]

I will.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wouldn't apologize, I mean after all I never asked to be brought into this nightmarish world and leaving it at a time of my own choosing is my right. Death and grief are an inevitable consequence of bringing life here, eventually we will all die and lose everything someday. I don't see it as something to apologize for personally. But instead I would say other things to try and bring some closure, like 'this is what I wanted more than anything, there's nothing that you could have done to keep me here'. At least in my case doing that would be for the best.

 

[jodes2]

If I do write a note, the only thing I'll say will be to apologise. But I might not write a note, I think it's a given to them that I'm sorry.

 

[niiina]

Yes, I wrote a tiny note, 2 or 3 lines, one to my father one to my mother and another to my dearest friend ever saying that I'm sorry and that it's not their fault, it not anyone's fault.
I'm not sure my father will give my mother the letter tho since they hate each other, I can only hope.

 

[unlimited5722]

I wrote a letter for my wife, in which I only explain my gesture in detail so that she does not question herself and that she understands that she could not help me to change my mind. I make no apologies because staying alive and continually suffering "to please" (friends or family) is not my view of things. I simply finished the letter with this: "How to judge, in a world where we strive to survive at all costs, those who decide to die? No one can judge. Everyone knows the dimension of their own suffering and knows if their life is meaningless."
This sentence means a lot to me

 

[Andro • Ανδρομέδα]

Maybe to my grandma and my sister. I know this would make the rest of my grandmother's life incredibly painful, she has shared suicidal thoughts of her own; my sister is a teenager and I would feel sorry for scarring her youth.
Now, I don't plan on any letters, but to my parents, I hope they experience the worst guilt, I have asked for help multiple times, and they couldn't move a finger.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

Of course. My parents did their absolute best. They loved me. They did everything for me and I absolutely hate the thought of leaving them behind hut I've really had enough. I'm just glad I've got a massive family who will be there to support them. Well they better.

:) <3

Maybe to my grandma and my sister. I know this would make the rest of my grandmother's life incredibly painful, she has shared suicidal thoughts of her own; my sister is a teenager and I would feel sorry for scarring her youth.
Now, I don't plan on any letters, but to my parents, I hope they experience the worst guilt, I have asked for help multiple times, and they couldn't move a finger.

I wish you the best. Thanks for sharing :) <3

I wrote a letter for my wife, in which I only explain my gesture in detail so that she does not question herself and that she understands that she could not help me to change my mind. I make no apologies because staying alive and continually suffering "to please" (friends or family) is not my view of things. I simply finished the letter with this: "How to judge, in a world where we strive to survive at all costs, those who decide to die? No one can judge. Everyone knows the dimension of their own suffering and knows if their life is meaningless."
This sentence means a lot to me

I absolutely love what you said in the ending. I wish you the best!

I wouldn't apologize, I mean after all I never asked to be brought into this nightmarish world and leaving it at a time of my own choosing is my right. Death and grief are an inevitable consequence of bringing life here, eventually we will all die and lose everything someday. I don't see it as something to apologize for personally. But instead I would say other things to try and bring some closure, like 'this is what I wanted more than anything, there's nothing that you could have done to keep me here'. At least in my case doing that would be for the best.

I definitely respect that. Best of luck with whatever decision you make!

Yes, I wrote a tiny note, 2 or 3 lines, one to my father one to my mother and another to my dearest friend ever saying that I'm sorry and that it's not their fault, it not anyone's fault.
I'm not sure my father will give my mother the letter tho since they hate each other, I can only hope.

Best of luck! <3

If I do write a note, the only thing I'll say will be to apologise. But I might not write a note, I think it's a given to them that I'm sorry.

Personally I believe it's best to leave loved ones with something rather than leaving them with nothing. Losing someone to suicide can do some pretty messy things to someone's mind and people really start to question themselves. Either way best of luck with whatever decision you choose! :) <3

 

[Fktw0rld]

Nah. Apologize for what? Trying to talk to everyone, share my thoughts and feelings just to be told, "stop talking like that" then have the conversation changed on me. I tried. I wanted to be here. I wanted to talk. I wanted help.

 

[theboy]

I once read that one should not say "sorry" so that, paradoxically, people do not feel guilt. I read it in threads here

 

[Life_and_Death]

the only ones id say sorry to are the ones that dont know (my grampy, brothers and cats). everyone else knows my life sucks or is the cause of why my life sucks so i dont need to apologize

 

[freevoid]

Nope. Nothing to be sorry about.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

Absolutely, I'd apologize.

If only to my dad for being a good father, not perfect, to me in my life. He tried, he's got lots of flaws like most people, but he always tried to be better and that's what matters.

I'd apologize to my good friends too for sticking by my side for years too. I'd apologize to exes I hurt and didn't properly give them a goodbye as well. I'd thank them for loving me, even when I was hard to love.

 

[hopeless302]

I would apologize, even though I don't think it would mean much.

 

[Ihatemylife6]

I will just because I really feel bad and don't want to leave anyone hanging. Even though, I didn't ask to be born and I despise my existence I think me apologizing will help them know I did what I did because I wanted to(if that makes sense). I don't want to push the blame on anyone no matter what happened since they will feel even more bad. I hope they can understand, they probably will but will be struck by grief if they care.

 

[UpsideDownFace]

Yes I would apologize to my parents because they've been so supportive, loving, and tried their best with me. I want them to know that it's not their fault or for their lack of trying that I CTB. I feel terribly guilty leaving them but I know I'm a burden and a huge disappointment to them and that they'll live a better happier life without me dragging them down. I want them to know that I was only doing what was best for them and me.

 

[willitpass]

yes, to my father and siblings. not to my mother. but my dad especially has gone above and beyond to try and help me get better. and i don't want him to feel like he should have seen the signs that i was struggling again, after all i am hiding this on purpose. he has told me many times since i went into recovery (of which he thinks i am still in) that he is terrified i will relapse and he won't realize. so i will apologize profusely for hiding it from him. and then i will explain that i am tired and don't wish to continue treatment. i will make the analogy of if i had cancer and tried all available treatments and it came back, everyone would say it was okay to let go, and that i ask for the same respect with my mental health.

 

[marcy2022]

I've thought about this before previously and the one person I cared for, I wrote an email and had it scheduled but then before my previous failed ctb attempt I've changed my mind and didn't do it. If I look back that was a good thing, I think.
I remember while and after my recovery from the failed attempt, even while I was in the hospital almost dying, they were still blaming others. After recovery a few times when some people did that infront of me, I tried telling them in a subtle way, have you considered looking at the mirror or that it was my choice and its okay to choose to not to live but then no one would listen. I was told things such as, "what would god think", "what would other people think", "I bought shame on them", "I'm selfish", "I'm not in my right mind and that I wasn't thinking clearly" and much more. That's so degrading and humiliating. I tried to open up but no one would listen. Only person who bothered to listen a little without throwing too much shit at me said the same thing, "there's so much to live for ...... ". But what if I just don't want to continue, what is so wrong with that? But its okay I'll find peace someday soon enough hopefully.
Whole idea of apologizing ... I think the idea comes from multiple things. The whole idea or act of one choosing to leave by ones own choice is considered "taboo" or worse and sometimes even punishable in some places. Its so taboo that most of who chooses to do it are scared of talking or sharing to their loved ones. Then I think isn't love unconditional. Call me a optimistic or a dreamer, that's what I think love is or should be. If someone truly loves someone else, then they should respect the other persons choice over the social norms or brainwashing where this whole act is considered taboo. All the person wants is to be at peace and somehow that is bad to the point that the so called loved ones would institutionalize them or put them through physical and mental abuse, force them into a "living death" condition. I find it sad and maybe I'm dumb but I don't know how that can be a form of love. The idea that one has to apologize for choosing peace is something I don't quite understand. I've thought about how the other person or persons might feel but if they truly love and care, I think the persons choice to find peace should be accepted.
I've seen this person who probably tried to ctb and their parents brought them to the hospital. The disgust in their eyes and how they were behaving, I found it really sad. Same parents who loves and cares turns to feeling disgusted and shaming when that person only wanted to find peace. I was thinking how about saying we love you and stop with the shit they were doing for a second, the person is almost gone and all they were doing is throwing more shit. I don't want that form of love, if it can be called love. If it were me, I'd feel bad that I wasn't good enough that they couldn't come to me for their troubles or if they managed to do it, I'd try to take solace thinking that maybe they found peace. Recently I've heard some monk person saying something like, "blah blah blah.... never give up" (not to be rude but I don't want to write down the whole sentence). Why is it even considered giving up. If living can be a choice, so can the other way around be a choice and it doesn't have to be labeled "giving up", Both can be acceptable choices and there should be no shame or good or bad in either choices. But then there are many different circumstances and the world we live in is a whole different one so I guess sometimes apologies has to be made. Don't mind me, it's just my opinion.

 

[achromatic]

I will - I'm not saying that its a correct course of action, but my family while far from perfect, tried very hard to keep my alive and to help me get better, however misguided it might have been with all the psych ward trauma & abuse. I'm actually thinking about leaving a simplistic letter ended with " Thank you and I'm sorry". After so many years there isn't much left to say. I hate the fact that either my mom or my father will find my body.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I always had this background resentment for my family. no need to even consider my father. He abandoned all of as so easily without with no guilt whatsoever. my family already suffered alot from this, especially my mother. Brother and sisters probably faced difficult times to compensate too. Was the second youngest in a family already having enough on their plate, and making decisions, god knows for whos interest, I felt completely alone. They were literally so into their lifes
, decided not to even acknowledge me. Unluck me as child I had more issues than I could possibly handel, became too anxious, and avoidant, always felt unsafe and confused. My teen years were the worst, never fit in, got bullied, was always looking over my shoulders. It felt surreal. Completely broke me into mental illness. You would think one member of my family would acknowledge this, i' am not saying they even should have been responsible and helped me but a mere acknowledgemt would have made me feel less alone in that nightmare. I recognize they helped me financially later on but its too late for me Im too damaged. I m almost certain that what happened to me, probably happens to the weakest member of every disfunctional family to different degrees. I' m disconnected, unsafe and damaged to survive on my own . Everybody knows I m better of dead. So a note or apology are the least of my consideration. Im more feeling guilty for not actually going through it sooner. I understand that suicide is not easy for any family. But I have no choice and they know it. My pain is overshadowing everything. I understand its not the case for everyone. I m certainly not going to write a note blaming/showing bitterness toward my family. I' m just not writing anything. I' m hoping to just do it.

 

[Gray Wounds]

I will not even write a letter. But yes, I will mutter a grand fucking apology to myself, to the possibilities that I will be cutting short. Seems like once you get a look at death, you will keep on dying anyway.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In my case, I have been fortunate enough to have people in my life that do care about me. So- yes, I will/ have apologised in my draft notes. Just about any death creates grief and suicide is a deliberate act that means they will have to live with it for a longer period- plus, have all the accompanying feelings that go with a self inflicted act. I will tell them that there was nothing they could have done to help me- to try and abate any guilt but I do feel bad about how it might affect people. I will say that it wasn't my intention to hurt anyone, that I hope they can forgive me for it and that I hope they understand.

I appreciate the fact that I won't be around for them to forgive but I think so much of leaving notes is to try and comfort/ explain as best we can our actions because we quite often can't beforehand. Personally, to say 'sorry' I think both acknowledges that you are aware that they do care about you and therefore, will feel upset and shows that you have taken them into account when doing this and that you do feel bad about the hurt it is likely to cause. I guess you accompany it with the explanation and hope that they will also understand that your situation had become so bad that nothing could help.

 

[jodie]

I don't think ctb is something I should be apologizing for - it will make lives of the people who have to deal with me better or will not affect them at all. No-one will miss me... my money or labor, maybe... but not me as a person - of that I am sure.
My family is total crap - all they've ever cared about is money and "what will people say". The latter, I very strongly refuse to indulge. As for the former, they will get most of my money, which I hope pays my "debt" to them for having existed and used water, electricity, food, and so on.
I have a friend who means the world to me and is the most important and precious person in my life. But he does not feel even a bit like that about me. He is able to stand me somehow for which I am eternally grateful, but no matter how very, very, very hard I try to be something good in his life, I know I am only a bother, a problem, poison... I'm still here because I'm a selfish, egoistic b*tch who can't give up on another chat, another meeting with him because those make me so happy... If he leaves (which he soon may do) or if he doesn't leave but I find a way to suffocate this selfish part of me and ctb, then what I will feel in need to apologize for is not having done it sooner and having abused him for so long...

 

[castlebravo]

Yes. To my daughter. I hope it doesn't mess her up. I hope she'd understand.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I think I probably will, it feels like the right thing to do. I've written a note a handful of times trying to figure out the best way, but it's hard to get everything I want to say all in just one letter, and how awful would it be to have a boring suicide letter?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes, because why not. Not my loved one's fault I was born the wrong way. Life sucks then we die.

 

[azad]

It did not take very long for me to decide to CTB. means nobody cares if i go. my narcissistic parents are tired and ashamed for having a low functioning child. they'd be happy if i go. no real friends. I'm just a low functioning weirdo people cannot make real connections to. even if i write a note, my intellectually disabled brain's thoughts won't make sense just like my ideas. people will laugh uncontrollably at that note because that's what people do to me in real life.

 

[Wannagonow]

Absolutely will not be leaving a note of any kind to anyone. Only 15-38% of people leave notes. I will not be one of them.

 

[Rairii]

To my cat, even if it's silly. Then to the medical personnel/funeral people who will have to deal with my body because I hate being a burden and feel bad that someone has to take care of that.