I have been depressed for most of my life, ever since I can remember. I never felt wanted or loved as a child. I have lost many people throughout my life. My mom died of breast cancer when I was 3 years old. I was left alone with a family that mostly blamed me for her death. At 13, my sister died of breast cancer also. She was only 34 years old. She was also the only family member I had left who treated me like a human being.
i ended up in the psych ward and also became a ward of the state because my dad refused to believe that I was depressed or had attempted suicide. I spent the next 5 years being passed around like an unwanted package. I had doctors, therapists, foster parents, judges, and many other adults making life altering decisions for me and all most of them knew about me was what they read in stacks of papers and files. That's all I was to them -- a bunch of papers, a psychiatric diagnosis-- not a human being.
Then my dad died when I was 21 and I had my second major breakdown. I quit college after my dad's death because I couldn't get it together enough to go to class and l became uninterested in continuing school. I struggled for a long time, but a year after my dad died, I met a wonderful man who made me feel like a queen. The bad part was that he had to chase me for 5 years before I would even give him a chance due my childhood experiences. I couldn't even trust him because of the things my family had done to me. Eventually he and I moved in together and got married.
Of course, I tried to tell him that I would eventually cause his death, but he didn't understand. So, the clock started ticking and l knew someday he'd be taken away from me like everyone I love is taken away. We had 25 wonderful years together. He died of cancer 2 years ago this month. While I am grateful for the time we had together, I have no interest in living without him.
At this point, everyone I love and everyone who loved me is dead. I'm here alone and there's no point to my life. My parents are dead, my siblings are dead, my husband is dead. I have no kids, no real friends, and no obligation to anyone who is still here.
I have spent a lot of my life in mental pain. I do suffer from severe depression and did so even when my husband was alive, but he is the only thing in my whole life that made me want to go on even when I felt depressed. When I was with him I was not suicidal. I didn't want to hurt him like that. Now that he's gone I'm right back where I was before I met him. There is no point to going on and I don't feel like I belong here anymore. The emotional pain is indescribable. I wish I could express my emotionally pain as a physical illness because I would be ripped and torn apart and bleeding all over the place. When your pain is emotional, no one takes it seriously. People tell you to "snap out of it" and "get over it", etc.
A doctor recently told me that my mourning for my husband was" unnatural ". I moved to a different city and state after my husband's death because I couldn't stay where I lived with him because everything there reminded me of him. I couldn't even go to the mailbox without bursting into tears. Therefore, this doctor had never met me before in his life, yet he took it upon himself to judge my mourning for my husband as unnatural! He knows nothing about our relationship or what I've been through since his death, but this doctor thinks he can tell me how to mourn for my husband. This is why I hate doctors and don't trust them. And I'm sick of all the stupid asinine advice that people think it's their job to give you when you are depressed or mourning a lost loved one.
Example: Why don't you get a pet? Great! Something else for me to get attached to that will die.
Or, why don't you get a hobby or a job? I didn't realise that a hobby or a job would bring my husband back because that's all I want. I don't want a stupid distraction. I want a permanent solution. When I was a teenager in the psych ward they used to say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Even back then I knew that was BS!
Well, this post is very long so I'll end here. Thank you to anyone who reads it. It's good to have a place to vent about this. I get very tired of pretending to be okay when I'm not and I get very sick of people dismissing my sorrow and pain by constantly telling me that I'll get over it.
