Why you wanna die? (concise answer)

[Aucklanddeathwish]

Constant emotional pain for many years

 

[outerheaven]

I can't afford mental health care and well, not much else either. With this in mind I don't see my mental health symptoms getting any better or my quality of life in general. Just got told recently that the "reduced cost" is still too much for me if I want to make rent and that I owe the union money or I'll get fired. Great.

Y'know, I've tried the help-lines, I've tried support groups and well, in short, I need more than the services they can offer...and it's not their fault. There isn't a shrink in the world who will listen to your problems for free. At least not that I'm aware.

It seemed like my last option y'know? After dropping out and failing at everything else in life I wanted to make one last attempt to regain my life back and get help but I couldn't do it, and I continue to spiral every day.
As soon as I think it starts to get better there's always the reminder that I'm not good enough.

I'm bitter sometimes, and anxious, and unmotivated, and it's hard for me to be mentally present most days, and I struggle to leave my room, and I bring other people down around me when I talk about how stupid I feel all the time, and I hate that I'm like this, but I can't stop.

I always slip up and say the wrong thing or complain and I'm just a fucking wreck and all I can do is sit here and complain about it instead of changing and shutting up for once.

I'll shut up. For good.

 

[LinusWittich]

I'm a lonely misfit, who is too socially awkward to ever find love
I've tried it all and nothing makes life worth it

 

[SatouR]

Physical as well as mental problems

 

[chr74]

new here, my problem is, ive always been crap at life due to a shit useless single parent not raising me, so never been able/wanted to live like others do (job u dont like, kids, worry stress, bills, etc).. maybe i have aspergers, who knows. anyway so until now my fun hobbies have always kept me going, but over the last few years ive lost all interest in my hobbies, leaving shit reality as the only thing i have now

ive tried meds for depression for years, what a load of rubbish they turned out to be, still on them and never been more suicidal!

anyway so i just do not have any reason to hang around now and dont have any fun, so dont see the point in sticking around, hence me joining this forum

 

[Borgrot]

Everything I do, whether I mean to or not, hurts everyone around me. The people I love the most are in emotional pain because of me near constantly and I cannot stop them hurting because of me no matter what I do. So logically the thing I have to do is remove the problem - me.

 

[blackwidow92]

Mental illness has ruined my life

 

[Sad_Squirrel]

I never thought about it like that. To me it's more about: "Why would I want to live?" I have never had a good enough reason, not to endure all this. And because I am human dying quick is just so much more approachable than stopping maintaining life.

 

[trappedmamma]

My son is better off without me. I'm just a burden to everyone. Being self sufficient is impossible and I destroy everything I touch.

 

[JudasIscariot]

Good things never last.

 

[peaches]

I have a personality disorder and a very psychotic, insane inner child that is kicking spitting and barking at me when I try to reason with it. I am split in two pieces mentally. One side rational, the other irrational. I am not beg enough to handle my mental problems, they permeate my entire being.

Afflicted with suicidal thoughts, images, anxiety, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness that saturates my life, even my gaze. Things I look upon reflect my sadness back to me, so it feels like reality itself is turning on me.

I genuinely enjoy life and my meager existence. I can accept being a tiny bug. What I can't stand is being mentally ill. I want my thoughts, identity, dreams, and my entire psyche to be reframed, remade from the ground up. It's just not possible so I have to make myself as comfortable as possible until I either die naturally or get the courage to end it.

You speak for me.
Thank you.
I am having an especially bad night. I would CTB this minute if there was something guaranteed not to cause me more pain or make me sick.
I read the responses here to try and feel less alone. I don't know anyone who experiences the world and living in themselves like I do.
I am exhausted and broken and I know nothing can fix it.

 

[itsallpointless]

Because living is a waste of time

 

[Alfarooq]

1) My father CTB'd when I was 3 and he did it by hanging because my mom was cheating with a different man right infront of him whilst he laid of the floor cold and drowning in his own tears. I feel disgusted and subhuman being born from such a mother.

2) I've been abused all my life and the only friend I have Is my current girlfriend of 4 almost 5 years.

3) I'm socially awkward and can't do anything to combat it because I know English better than my own Language, due to how much I hate Lithuanian, so whenever I talk to people, I tend to start speaking English instead of my native language and that completely fucks up the conversation because I can't muster up the correct words or form a proper sentence.

4) I have a stuttering issue, so not only do I struggle to form sentences, I also stutter a lot, and 90% of the people I talk to are impatient, so when I start to stutter and trip up they just cut me off and the conversation comes to an abrupt stop.

5) I over-all just don't look attractive, at least to myself. My girlfriend is a nice, thicccc quadruple C, goth girl, she's super pretty, nice, incredibly open-minded and smart, yet I somehow managed to "bag" her.

6) Personally, I'd say I've endured enough in 20 years of my life.

7) When I was younger, going back to my 2) point, my step-father would abuse my mother in front of me and my sister and all we could do was sit there hugging each other and crying while he kept beating her and screaming out for help, when the beating would be over, she'd come out of the room blaming me and my sister for not calling the cops, but we were simply too little to even know our home's address. Speaking of being beat, my mother wasn't the only victim, I was also being beat for the smallest of things, like when I was playing with my cousin and I was running across the hall, my step-father decided to open one of those little disk inserters for his DVD player and I ran and accidentally broke it, which by the way, was easily fixable if he would've just pushed it back inside. For such a mistake, I was mercilessly beat until I was gasping for air through my tears. Then there was an occurrence where I got mad at my sister and jokingly said that I should've sold her for cigs cause one time when me and my best friend were walking together these 2 old homeless people offered us to buy her for a pack of cigs and I obviously said no and walked away asap, but I don't remember why exactly, during the evening my sister angered me and I jokingly said that maybe I should've sold her for those cigs and laughed, but my sister took it literally and told my step-dad, which lead to him pinning me to the ground by my neck out of anger, I laid there for a solid 3 minutes in utter shock until my step-dad eventually told me that I can stop faking it and get up.

8) I was neglected all my life, when my mom left to go to Great Britain, I was left there with my step-dad, whilst my mom took our sister to go with her. So I was left there, 90% of the time spending it alone at home because my step-dad was away drinking, and I'd just be there, playing Turok, an old ps3 game. When I was around 15, I was self-harming a lot and when I talked to my aunt about it, even showing her pictures, my aunt got worried and told my mom right away, but the best my mom could do was just lift up my hoodie's sleeves and check and then tell me "You can't do that" with a worried expression and nothing else after that. When I asked her about it 1 or so years later, she said that she thought I was only doing it because of my step-dad being a dick and no, I wasn't doing it because of that, I was cutting myself because I wanted to hit an artery and hopefully bleed out.

9) I'm incredibly stupid, when it comes to real life, I'm severely unintelligent and I hated school for proving it to me and a daily basis, sure, I wasn't studying or doing any of my homework, but that was only because I already knew that even if I tried I'd get a bad grade, so I never tried, it got so bad that during my last year of highschool I only attended 13% of my classes, because I skipped almost all of them out of shear boredom and hatred for the education system. And now when I sit on TikTok, sometimes I get reminded that school didn't fail me, I just didn't try hard enough, yeah no. Fuck the Education system, I hate every single bit of it and the practice of it.

10) I'm a people's pleaser. And I can't help it.

There's a lot more to my sad life, but I've already typed so much so that my fingers are starting to cramp up, either way, life sucks and fuck the education system.

I see. But you never suffered what I suffered. I had friends abandon me, and more. Here's my fucking story.

*THIS IS A LONG ESSAY ABOUT THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND WHY I WANT TO CTB.*

*AND ALSO I WILL TRY TO NOT REUSE COMMON PHRASES MADE BY DEPRESSED PEOPLE LIKE THESE BECAUSE IM SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL: "I am useless" "Everyone hates me" "Everyone treats me like trash" "Everyone would be better off with out me" "Life is not worth living"*

*And without further ado, read on.*

I have finally decided to make the decision to CTB. I would much appreciate if anyone would give me an assisted suicide method in the UK. I have let people down a lot, including my parents, and I am guilty, I keep making embarrassing mistakes, I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me is succeeding in life except for me, I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? Life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. This 6 months lasting depression is all my fault.

But wait, there's more. I am home schooling in college at the moment, studying Computer Science. I can't bring myself to do any assignments or study for any tests. I simply have no interest in the subjects anymore. I live with my dad and commute to school and I hate every minute of going to class and being on campus. I feel so much guilt because going to college is a opportunity and my dad paid a lot of money and it feels like I am just blowing it. And because I have no motivation, i am useless. Am I not?

I am honestly not sure what to do with my trash life anymore. I'd like to finish school, but the motivation is just not there. I think about CTB every day. School was honestly all I had until I lost the motivation to continue.

No motivation, no potential for success, and because of my uselessness, I always think of performing CTB but I'm not sure how i am even going to pull it off. I'm a total failure, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me. And on top of that it's not my only problem. I seem to have a problem with everyone I know as well. Everyone I know, I have seen the cursed side of them at least once. Not a single soul was nice to me my entire life. Not even my "family"

And speaking of my "family", and also speaking of the fact that you should think about how they would feel if you were gone, they do things everyday that give me a new reason to CTB. (Everyday I wake up and go back to sleep with a new reason to CTB.) I have 2 sisters, and the WORST thing of all, is that one of them decided to say "Alfarooq, why don't you CTB earlier because I don't want you here at all". Wow. I felt offended alot. And what's more, the other disrespectful sibling said "Why do I have an older brother? I wish I had an older sister instead " and gave me an evil look. My "family" are the biggest offenders. I don't even know how the imbeciles found out I had the desire to CTB. So my entire "family" is a joke.

Human beings are cursed. They always offend me. No one helps you become happy in this cursed world, no one cares about your existence, and no one helps you succeed. I have been harassed and offended a lot by many bastards, had many fake friends betray me, and every bastard only cares about themselves. There is no one worth trusting in this planet. Everyone around me is succeeding, and I am tired of being left out. Who will care about your existence? If your not smart enough to to make something useful of yourself in this life, you will not get anywhere. I need to CTB asap.


And they say life is a "gift from God" well I have abused that gift, and I don't deserve it. I deserve to die.

 

[LT1989]

Suffered far too long and can't see a way foward.

 

[WaitingPatiently]

It can't be how it was before.

 

[PurrpTypeFeel]

I'm extremely lonely and bad with people even though social contact is the only thing that makes me happy, I can't be happy by myself and even 'working on myself' like studying makes me feel like shit not only cause I can't focus but also because I know everybody else is doing other stuff and hanging out with their friends

 

[ChildrensITV]

so I can be with my toddler. Mom miss you very much.

That's very sad. Are you still with the father? Do you have other children?

 

[huntergirl14]

Why do you want to stay alive? is my answer.

 

[TheDoorsTheEnd]

Because I feel alienated all my life

 

[davidhayter]

Emotional dullness, sexual dysfunction, chronic lack of motivation, due to psychiatric medication, and a rare disease affecting my face.

 

[Priest_Arthur]

Your main reason.
Be as concise as possible.
mine is Existence of Suffering

No matter how hard I try, I can't escape the depression . I hate myself and my life. I'm lonely.

 

[ivzxkou]

it's like wanting to go to bed at the end of the day. more concisely, i'm tired.

 

[bonez22]

so I can be with my toddler. Mom miss you very much.

I'm so sorry for your loss.. the only reason I'm still here is because I can't do that to my mom. She loves me very much & I know that if I do it, she'll never be able to be happy again. She just lost both her parents last year..
Sexual abuse is one hell of a monster..

 

[User00]

No future and completely hopeless.

 

[HighFlight]

sad
lonely
old

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Physical pain.

 

[suicidalloser]

because i can. as simple and true as it is

 

[itsallfubar]

Lost First Love to a Divorce and also my Career in the Army. Haven't been able and won't be able to see daughter anytime soon because my ex hates me and married some other soldier living it up as a dependent with a new child from the guy I caught her in bed with back in 2019.

Came home to find myself homeless I'm also Schizophrenic but don't receive benefits from VA. Still haven't gotten over my ex and my daughter growing up without me/not going to remember me (which I'm a loser and don't really want her to) is too much for me to deal with.

 

[mare]

None of the problems I have are solvable. Life-long physical and mental sequelae. There is nothing to do anymore

 

[starlover]

All of my hopes and dreams and joys have turned to ash.