Why the Fuck Am I Like This?

[tears and vomit]

Hey I'm a first-year college student and I'm totally lost. I know I should be studying, doing volunteering, getting work experience, and throwing myself into things that'll matter later but I can't find the motivation or strength. Honestly, the real shit is I'm pretty sure this all ends with me killing myself sometime soon, and that thought makes it almost impossible to try.


It's like:

• If I don't try, I'll live and feel like a failure and be looked down upon by everyone until I eventually ctb and even after
• If I do try, I still can't shake the certainty that it'll end badly. I hate myself for even trying because I'm convinced I'll fail anyways so what's the point

I feel sick all the time like I want to physically die every day but I also can't stand the idea of "dying a complete failure." I get disgusted with myself whenever I try to do something good for me, so I spiral and stop doing anything. Trying to be social, going to class, working ughhh everything feels exhausting and pointless, but I keep forcing myself because I'm terrified of dying a complete failure. I wanna be appreciated and loved before I eventually blow my head off

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I ctb I want people to think I had so much going for me and that I was going to be something one day (even though I don't believe I ever will). Loads of people view others who die by suicide as failures, but I want to be seen as someone with some kind of accomplishment or goal when I'm gone.

 

[MydnytSorrow]

This reminds me of my first three years of college. I can genuinely say that I understand how you feel. I have come to terms that I will CTB at some point, but until then, I have decided to do all the things that my mind tells me that I would fail at. For example, I decided one day that I would become certified in Scuba Diving. I didn't believe I would actually do it because I have failed at everything else. I fought through the anxiety and thoughts of just giving up. The day I got my certification and rang that congratulations bell, I cried all the way home while laughing. I had finally given those thoughts the middle finger and I relished that high for a few days.
I'm terrible at wording things so I apologize but what I am trying to say is that finding ways to give those thoughts the middle finger has become my own way to prove to myself that I'm not a failure.
Even though I don't know who you are, I will never think of you as a failure and I truly appreciate that you're still here. My heart and soul are sending you all the hugs you deserve

 

[scary]

If it makes you feel any better, you're trying, even if it doesn't seem like it. Going to college in the first place is a REALLY big thing, be proud of yourself for that.

• If I don't try, I'll live and feel like a failure and be looked down upon by everyone until I eventually ctb and even after
• If I do try, I still can't shake the certainty that it'll end badly. I hate myself for even trying because I'm convinced I'll fail anyways so what's the point

I feel sick all the time like I want to physically die every day but I also can't stand the idea of "dying a complete failure." I get disgusted with myself whenever I try to do something good for me, so I spiral and stop doing anything. Trying to be social, going to class, working ughhh everything feels exhausting and pointless, but I keep forcing myself because I'm terrified of dying a complete failure. I wanna be appreciated and loved before I eventually blow my head off

I relate to this a lot. The fear of failure is unfortunately a really common thing. Most people want to succeed, including the people in your college so you're definitely not alone.

I do get what you mean about the whole not wanting people to see you as a "failure" when you die, but (and forgive me if I sound cynical) if you do choose to CTB and you succeed, you'll be dead. You won't hear any bad thing that's said about you. I don't know if you believe in reincarnation but even if you do, I doubt your next life self would even know who you were anyway, so please don't let the "dying a failure" thoughts drain you. If you fail with your attempt and people are rude, don't listen to that either, they have no idea what you're going through. You're not a failure to me.

 

[tears and vomit]

You're not a failure to me.

I almost cried reading that thank you so much <3 I've never had someone reassure me like that not even my own mom

And yeah, you're right I shouldn't give a fuck about what others think of me, whether I'm dead or alive. I guess I can't help it sometimes because I grew up in a family with a culture of shame, where my parents constantly shamed me or people would speak badly of them if they saw how I acted. That fills me with so much rage, but honestly, fuck other people — in the end we're all going to be six feet under.
I hope we both get what we want

 

[mysticatedwine]

i relate to this too and i really appreciate the way @scary and @MydnytSorrow worded it. i am in the middle of feeling like a disappointment in different layers of my life (3rd year of university here). i can't concentrate on any project long enough to finish it and it always torments me for months and months. i hope you find some peace @tears-and-vomit, glad you're still around