Why shouldn’t i?

[feels_like_rain]

Honestly not sure if this belongs here or the Suicide Discussion section, but since i'm normally not actively suicidal, here goes…

I've been so miserable lately. I like to fantasize about suicide because it calms me, though i have no plans to do it anytime in the near future.
A while ago i even bought SN not even intending to actually use it. But it's still there. It calms me to know i COULD do it, even though i know i won't.

Things have gotten so bad lately though. There is shit with my mom's health that i'm too overwhelmed to even go into detail about, that is bringing me back to the comfort my SN supply brings.
I still did not seriously consider doing it.

I pictured offing myself in the distant future, when i'm old and alone and my life is complete, but not old enough that i'm alone in a nursing home shitting my diaper.
I realize my SN will likely be no longer be good by that time, so i figure i'll drown myself in the ocean when the time comes.
But i always picture that time to be at least a decade or two from now at least.

But today i fucked up the best friendship i've had in my life. I still have hope of fixing things, but i'm scared that it's actually ruined. I've inadvertently destroyed every other close friendship i've had, but this one is different. SO different. It was always in the back of my mind that i would fuck things up, but i was starting to believe it would be different this time. I've never had a friendship like this, and i can't believe i fucked things up the way i did.

I'm selfish and i overshare and i get clingy and desperate. But i was starting to trust.
I should have realized that no matter how much i trust someone, there is still the problem of ME.

I don't wan't to die right now, but that fuckin SN is right there in my drawer. It would just be too easy. I just keep picturing myself doing it but i DONT WANT TO.

I guess what i was getting at, is, i just need some reinforcement as to why i shouldn't.
I'm not asking anyone to talk me out of it, because im not going to anyway.

But some good reasons to live right now would be nice

 

[Redacted24]

I'm a bit envious that you have the means at hand, and the strength and courage to keep a an option. Well done to you!

I don't know how badly your best relationship was damaged today. But the words you used in your post would have made me forgive anything you had done or said to me, as your friend.

Have you tried to let your friend know how you feel, about the situation?

Relationships aren't always sunshine. It's how we deal with the rainy times that makes the relationship a rainbow. My mixed up anology doesn't work but hope you get the sense.

You'll always have your option, right? Why not try to fix things first.
Just a thought.