Venting Why me

[namel3ss]

**TW rape, sh, miscarriage** I have been a burden as long as I remember. My dad told me that when I was born, he knew his child was broken. That's who Ive always been. I remember my early years of life only vaguely. It was simpler then, even though I was the sick kid, I was ignorantly blissful. I had severe anger issues which lead to many arguments within the family. Im an outcast in my house. They are all catholic worshipers with morals and values opposite from mine. I regret not appreciating the trivial issues I had pitied for myself, because everything took a turn at age 14. I had started high school, the big leagues. Im not sure why I attracted the crowd I did, perhaps I was too forgiving. I had begun smoking frequently. I didnt know the people I was with most of the time. I was an easy target. I guess that why he did that to me. That night he took the little joy I had left. Though I had been high, I remember the bruises he left and the soreness I felt the next morning. He was the reason I begun to put my worth into my body. And so it began a series of living as prey. At only 14 I had begun to sell my body for money to make back everything I lost to drugs. I had forgotten what love was. Until him. Lets call him G. G had saved me from myself. G was the first person I would confide in so completely. We werent perfect together, well I wasnt, but im sure of the love we shared. I developed extreme separation anxiety, including to the point of sh without him around. I had also carried over the hypersexual energy into our relationship, which was our biggest issue as he was raped as well which affected him in the opposite manner, he hated sex. We argued a lot. But I like to think there was a lot more good to us. Anyways, he proposed to me after 8 months together (with the ring i picked out, i loved control). We were sure that we had found our soulmate. We planned our life, lined up our apartment. Everything was amazing. Until one day, he didnt call me on the way home from work. Every negative possibility ran through my head. The worst one came true. The next morning he broke up with me. I had begged him for hours to keep the promise he made to me. But something changed in him that day. The next months (and now), the breakup destroyed me. 3 weeks after he left me, and after a period of feeling physically sick all the time, my friend suggested I take a pregnancy test. Me and G had a lot of unprotected (i was on birth control tho) sex over the course of the year. We had been lucky so many times. Until once I suppose, I admit I forgot often about the pills. When I told G I would be taking a test, it almost destroyed him. In that moment I decided I wouldnt tell him if the result was positive. I still wanted to protect him. I had been pregnant and alone. The stress was unbearable and I had stopped eating almost entirely. This had been a trend in the past weeks already, and really most of my life. About a week later, I lost the baby. That baby was the only part of him I had left. And now its gone. Its been 3 months now. I finially decided that I should let the baby's father have the chance to mourn it. When I told him, he said I should go to hell. Maybe I agree. I haven't stopped seriously contemplating suicide since. I wonder if his allegations that Ive gone crazy are true. It seems to be a word thats always used to describe me. Its hard to describe the mess in my head when I dont even know exactly why I feel this way. It has gotten worse these last days. I disassociate frequently, and cant focus on my college work. Sometimes I think maybe I could finally commit to something for once in my life. Maybe I actually could end it? but how? where? I feel stuck in the cyclical hell of a life. I still live at home, which is a big factor in the hold on suicide. I dont know what to do. Words of advice?

 

[Argo]

Words of advice?

Just questions, and the main question that seems useful is:

What are the facts here?

You had an adolescence that was deeply unfair and painful. If you could press a button right now, to stop the worst things that happened to you from happening to someone on the other side of the world, you'd do it. Would there even be any doubt? You'd be a hero, if you could save someone from the bad things that happened to you.

It's hard when it happens to us, because it's so close to us that it becomes alien, paradoxically. We're too comfortable with it, so seeing a problem with anything that just seems normal to us is very hard. So real perspective can show up when we can imagine someone else in the same situation.

The reason this matters is, there are these points of real pain. It's not one point, but it's more like a... whole map of pain, with these points of significance. "The miscarriage". "The so close, but so far, soul mate". "The being hurt by the person we invested every hope into" Right? These are all little points on the map.

So just take it point by point-- the miscarriage from two clearly traumatized people. Would that have been a child that could have had a truly good life? Who felt lots of security and safety, or would that child have sensed that something was very wrong? That the parents were in real pain? That loops back to "What are the facts", because only a confused person would blame you for any of this. You're clearly just a victim here, thrown into these circumstances. It's really worth it to think about that, because the potential for resolving a lot of pain that is unnecessary there is very high, I think. There's pain in this world that can't be, or... is extremely difficult to avoid. But there's also pain that is just unnecessary and is based on confusion.

For the pain that there's no solution towards, the only thing you can do is accept it, ultimately. Because fighting that only causes more pain-- the worst kind, which is unnecessary pain. It's kind of like being stuck in a prison, where there is no key, there is no guard to open the cell, there is no way to break the bars, and yet you're still bashing your head into them, injuring yourself, as if that's going to get you out of the prison. It only creates pointless extra pain, doesn't it? A lot of life is like that. We do it automatically.

What advice would you have for someone who is trapped in that kind of prison and desperately trying to get out? It would only be to relax. If you cared about this person, it would hurt you that they're just continually bashing their head into those bars. There is clearly no fight that's viable there.

But in areas where it's not like this prison, then by all means, do something that you think can help. That can mean learning, reflecting, acting, or just waiting patiently, lots of things. But no matter where you go from here, it's going to help you to get better at figuring out the difference between those two scenarios.