i've always known i'm gonna ctb, but i made up my mind that this would be it and i would finally attempt again. since then hundreds of thousands have ctbd, and it's been millions since i first felt this way. sometimes i feel like a fraud. like i can't do it. or a failure. sometimes i think i just fetishize my sadness and swim in it just to feel something, or just feel normal. sometimes i wonder if i don't wanna. maybe i'm just wishing the afterlife is something where i can live any life i want.
it feels so hard. everything does. living, ctbing. idk. i mean literally just like... functioning. and wanting to ctb. and trying to tell urself it's the day. and fighting regrets. and getting ready. and taking the last step. and everything that happens when u try or u tell the wrong thing to the wrong person and it all goes wrong.
so why is it so hard for me when other people can? it makes me ashamed because i've attempted before and i feel like i can't now. i've tested things but it feels so much harder to actually go.
i don't wanna be stuck with my own thoughts anymore
it feels so hard. everything does. living, ctbing. idk. i mean literally just like... functioning. and wanting to ctb. and trying to tell urself it's the day. and fighting regrets. and getting ready. and taking the last step. and everything that happens when u try or u tell the wrong thing to the wrong person and it all goes wrong.
so why is it so hard for me when other people can? it makes me ashamed because i've attempted before and i feel like i can't now. i've tested things but it feels so much harder to actually go.
i don't wanna be stuck with my own thoughts anymore
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