I want to die, not just because the mental health professionals haven't helped me, but also I can't fight the conditioning of my mind.
A loose definition of conditioning, according to Jiddu Krishnamurti (I am interested in philosophy), is what you have subconsciously learned from your parents and society. It can be good or bad.
I find that I am judgmental, act like I'm better than everyone sometimes, fear opening up to those closest to me, can't stand up for myself and others, am rigid, laugh at fucked up things I shouldn't laugh at, am overly critical, and want to yell at people for no reason.
I have enough self awareness to know my bad traits, but even though I tried therapy, I find I am back at square 1 and repeat what I am conditioned to repeat.
I know this could be due to trauma, but I haven't interacted with a good therapist who can help me navigate this and I don't think I will ever have a good therapist. I am becoming a bad person who will spread that hurt to others and I don't like it.
The mental health system is fucked up beyond repair because of its focus on the biological aspects of mental illness rather than leaning into the more spiritual side to find answers.
A loose definition of conditioning, according to Jiddu Krishnamurti (I am interested in philosophy), is what you have subconsciously learned from your parents and society. It can be good or bad.
I find that I am judgmental, act like I'm better than everyone sometimes, fear opening up to those closest to me, can't stand up for myself and others, am rigid, laugh at fucked up things I shouldn't laugh at, am overly critical, and want to yell at people for no reason.
I have enough self awareness to know my bad traits, but even though I tried therapy, I find I am back at square 1 and repeat what I am conditioned to repeat.
I know this could be due to trauma, but I haven't interacted with a good therapist who can help me navigate this and I don't think I will ever have a good therapist. I am becoming a bad person who will spread that hurt to others and I don't like it.
The mental health system is fucked up beyond repair because of its focus on the biological aspects of mental illness rather than leaning into the more spiritual side to find answers.
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