Why I want to CTB

[AshClouds]

Hey,

I wanted to share a bit on how I became suicidal and why I'm like this. I know everyone has their own reasons, I'll share mine. I'm not looking for pity or hugs or whatever, and I'm not going to express my raw emotions. I'm just writing the facts - facts that have led me to arrive at a truth that I didn't want to be true.

Well, I've spent so many years trying to deal with my issues. Trying to cope with the reality that I can't function normally, that I constantly keep falling off, that I can't cope with my emotions, that I couldn't ever manage my depression. I've spent a very long time trying to find solutions to my problems, only to realize that there are no solutions. Therapy, medications, various other things have been minimal in their effectiveness. I can't make myself well, I can't cope with how I feel, and I've really tried hard to to deal with those things. I've been thinking about this, and thinking about it a lot. After trying so long to recover and be well, I've finally arrived at these conclusions...

1. I'm irreparably damaged.

It was bad enough that I had behavioral problems caused by my ADHD when I was very young. Those problems only escalated once I entered kindergarten. I had to be held back in an early grade because my condition made it hard to function in a classroom. When my family moved to a different part of town, I went to a supposedly "better" school. I couldn't make friends with most of the children there because I exhibited random behavior. A few years later I finally met with a doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD. One would think that would turn everything around, but it hasn't. The medication did work for two weeks and then it didn't work after that. I had to deal with bullying on a regular basis. When I tried to bring these issues up with my family, they were always dismissive. Any complaints to teachers, my family, or other adults were either met with hostility, gaslighting, indifference, disdain, incredulity, or condescension. Around the time I entered middle school, I started to act out because I wanted to be heard. My dad would just get angry when I told him about these issues. My mom and sister would just gaslight me and imply that it's only happening because I deserve it. On top of that, my mom was always verbally abusive. She'd constantly tell me that I'm "stupid," that I'll be a failure, etc.
Any short comings academically would be always be framed as a personal fault, and not as any issues caused by ADHD. That I chose to not to do well. I was always belittled punished for it. I even believed it, despite knowing my condition. It has affected me in the most profound way and the emotional trauma will never go away.

I remember being 11 years old, and thinking that this world isn't meant for me to live on. I think that was the first time I started to think of suicide.


2. I was born with a brain that does not function correctly.

My brain constantly fights against my best interests, causes me to get distracted at insignificant things, makes it hard for me to do the things I need to do because it wants to do something more stimulating. I can't stay organized with all my shit, or in my head, and more recently I have massive brain fog. I have extreme difficulty forming coherent thoughts.
I deal poorly to stress, which causes me to panic and freeze up. The more anxious I get the more I want freeze up. When confronted with numerous tasks, I usually end up doing nothing. I can't handle my emotions well, its evident as I wrote earlier that I had behavioral problems from a very early age.
Yes, I have medication for it, the ADHD medication does help me focus, but it only goes so far. The medications I take for depression and anxiety have minimal impact.
I know there are strategies to help manage ADHD, but I have such a severe case of it, the effectiveness of any treatment is very limited - virtually zero effect on my ability to function in normal society.
It took me a while to realize I was born with a defective brain, but now I know I am defective. I was pretty much fucked the moment I was born. I doubt any change in my upbringing would've yielded a more positive result.


3. My life continues to deteriorate, and that deterioration happens at a increasingly rapid pace.

Everything just keeps getting worse, and the longer I linger around, the worse position I start to see myself in and the faster things start to crumble. Anytime I see improvement on my situation, something always happens that sets me back on the path to suicide. I've tried altering the trajectory, tied making a course correction, to no avail. There's nothing I can do to reverse it, and I have tried so many times


4. I am not capable of solving my problems.

This somewhat relates to the three reasons I listed above. I can't find a solution to my problems - because there are none. I'm not blind to the fact that a solution wouldn't be simple. I understand that my issues are complex, but I could never find a way to handle them.


Look, I really tried here, I've spent a long time looking down a dry well trying to find water. To put simply, there's massive chasm between myself, and a happy-life. There are no bridges to cross, and there isn't a way around it. Its just unreachable.
I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything of the sort, but I do believe that the world is structured in such a way that people like me cannot be happy.

I don't know when, and I'm not sure on how, but eventually I'll have to put to an end. This is no way to live.

 

[MiMif]

I wish everyone had the option to die however they wanted after they reached a certain age...

I similar to you have been born with something actually wrong with my brain that has shown no signs of fixing itself. It's hell to live with and I don't want to live with it. I wish people would understand that.

It's like putting a squirming deformed ant out of its misery after it's been stepped in but not fully dead.

I was broken before...broken since I was born...but society has broken me even further and now won't let me just go.


I know you didn't ask for pity or hugs but I want to say I feel bad for you as I do for me as we are forced to endure suffering we don't want.

 

[tbroken]

We share common thoughts my friend and it seems it is all reconducted to the middle-class dilemma.
I'm freaking intelligent from when i was born and it is like I always knew what it was good for me and what it was not, tough i did not manage to find happiness.
The worst part is seeing all the mess that stupid people create everyday and the fact that I can't really do nothing about it.
I'm really happy to have found this forum before it was too late, first because i got CTB resources, second because i can speak my mind without being judged. You are not alone.

 

[Don’tfallin]

Hey Ash,

I understand some of your struggles though my ADHD seems more mild thanks yours. People don't realize that having ADHD makes doing things that others do with ease 10x more difficult. Then throw in depression and something a simple of trying to organize the through in your mind and express an idea or though require so much mental focus it can be so mentally exhausting.

I've learned to function well enough but appreciate everything you said.

I really hope it gets easier you. You seem like a great person. Wish life treated you better.

 

[tbroken]

Hey Ash,
I liked your post because I understand some of your struggles. People don't realize that having ADHD makes doing things that others do with ease 10x more difficult. Then throw in depression and something a simple of trying to organize the through in your mind and express an idea or though require so much mental focus it can be so mentally exhausting.

I've learned to function well enough but appreciate everything you said.

I hope it gets easier you. You seem like a great person.

Don't you think that many times ADHD is diagnosed to pay psychologists salaries? And once you think you have ADHD you start to accept the idea and become an ADHD for real?

 

[Don’tfallin]

Don't you think that many times ADHD is diagnosed to pay psychologists salaries? And once you think you have ADHD you start to accept the idea and become an ADHD for real?

I think that ADHD overlaps with many other conditions and is often over diagnosed and misdiagnosed. I have many other conditions in addition to ADHD but yes I definitely do have ADHD. But I have learned to adapt and function even though I did not outgrow my ADHD as an adult. So to answer your question: no, I don't think this was the case for me. Good question though. :)

 

[Labyrinth]

You write better than 90% of people (among all the people I know virtually and in person). How could someone so intelligent not find a solution? It is the good souls who are lost first. Disability is not a predictor of unhappiness, but the environment in which it developed is. The lack of acceptance and social integration leads to suffering. To be honest, although I'm not neurodivergent and consider myself prodigious, talented, genius, I also can't deal with my emotional problems.

The best does not always win and the strongest survive; in nature everything revolves around adaptation and opportunity.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to all of your reasons though the only difference between us is that I have autism instead of ADHD. Either way, I'm irreparably fucked up and the only solution to my problems is death. Even if death isn't the only possible solution, it is the solution that I want for myself as permanent non existence sounds so blissful

 

[Yazzerton]

Hey,

I wanted to share a bit on how I became suicidal and why I'm like this. I know everyone has their own reasons, I'll share mine. I'm not looking for pity or hugs or whatever, and I'm not going to express my raw emotions. I'm just writing the facts - facts that have led me to arrive at a truth that I didn't want to be true.

Well, I've spent so many years trying to deal with my issues. Trying to cope with the reality that I can't function normally, that I constantly keep falling off, that I can't cope with my emotions, that I couldn't ever manage my depression. I've spent a very long time trying to find solutions to my problems, only to realize that there are no solutions. Therapy, medications, various other things have been minimal in their effectiveness. I can't make myself well, I can't cope with how I feel, and I've really tried hard to to deal with those things. I've been thinking about this, and thinking about it a lot. After trying so long to recover and be well, I've finally arrived at these conclusions...

1. I'm irreparably damaged.

It was bad enough that I had behavioral problems caused by my ADHD when I was very young. Those problems only escalated once I entered kindergarten. I had to be held back in an early grade because my condition made it hard to function in a classroom. When my family moved to a different part of town, I went to a supposedly "better" school. I couldn't make friends with most of the children there because I exhibited random behavior. A few years later I finally met with a doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD. One would think that would turn everything around, but it hasn't. The medication did work for two weeks and then it didn't work after that. I had to deal with bullying on a regular basis. When I tried to bring these issues up with my family, they were always dismissive. Any complaints to teachers, my family, or other adults were either met with hostility, gaslighting, indifference, disdain, incredulity, or condescension. Around the time I entered middle school, I started to act out because I wanted to be heard. My dad would just get angry when I told him about these issues. My mom and sister would just gaslight me and imply that it's only happening because I deserve it. On top of that, my mom was always verbally abusive. She'd constantly tell me that I'm "stupid," that I'll be a failure, etc.
Any short comings academically would be always be framed as a personal fault, and not as any issues caused by ADHD. That I chose to not to do well. I was always belittled punished for it. I even believed it, despite knowing my condition. It has affected me in the most profound way and the emotional trauma will never go away.

I remember being 11 years old, and thinking that this world isn't meant for me to live on. I think that was the first time I started to think of suicide.


2. I was born with a brain that does not function correctly.

My brain constantly fights against my best interests, causes me to get distracted at insignificant things, makes it hard for me to do the things I need to do because it wants to do something more stimulating. I can't stay organized with all my shit, or in my head, and more recently I have massive brain fog. I have extreme difficulty forming coherent thoughts.
I deal poorly to stress, which causes me to panic and freeze up. The more anxious I get the more I want freeze up. When confronted with numerous tasks, I usually end up doing nothing. I can't handle my emotions well, its evident as I wrote earlier that I had behavioral problems from a very early age.
Yes, I have medication for it, the ADHD medication does help me focus, but it only goes so far. The medications I take for depression and anxiety have minimal impact.
I know there are strategies to help manage ADHD, but I have such a severe case of it, the effectiveness of any treatment is very limited - virtually zero effect on my ability to function in normal society.
It took me a while to realize I was born with a defective brain, but now I know I am defective. I was pretty much fucked the moment I was born. I doubt any change in my upbringing would've yielded a more positive result.


3. My life continues to deteriorate, and that deterioration happens at a increasingly rapid pace.

Everything just keeps getting worse, and the longer I linger around, the worse position I start to see myself in and the faster things start to crumble. Anytime I see improvement on my situation, something always happens that sets me back on the path to suicide. I've tried altering the trajectory, tied making a course correction, to no avail. There's nothing I can do to reverse it, and I have tried so many times


4. I am not capable of solving my problems.

This somewhat relates to the three reasons I listed above. I can't find a solution to my problems - because there are none. I'm not blind to the fact that a solution wouldn't be simple. I understand that my issues are complex, but I could never find a way to handle them.


Look, I really tried here, I've spent a long time looking down a dry well trying to find water. To put simply, there's massive chasm between myself, and a happy-life. There are no bridges to cross, and there isn't a way around it. Its just unreachable.
I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything of the sort, but I do believe that the world is structured in such a way that people like me cannot be happy.

I don't know when, and I'm not sure on how, but eventually I'll have to put to an end. This is no way to live.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this. It's sounds incredibly stressful and I wish good people didn't have to go through such harsh living conditions. I hope things become better for you, and know you aren't alone.

 

[Spectre]

I can relate to alot of this. Hope you find peace.