Why I wanna go (CTB)

[CosmicStrawberry]

I've been wanting to leave this mortal realm for a while now. My life has been a mess for a long time. As a kid, I was mostly oblivious to my own autism and how it got in the way of me having a normal life. I've been mostly depressed since puberty in middle school. I'm transgender, and I've been dealing with this for nearly 15 years now. I remember in middle school, coming out to my mom and asking for help with being transgender and she would go on to refuse to accept me. My brother and father are also against it. I finally got my hormones when I was 26. I went to college and I feel like a failure academically. I changed my major five different times, and flunked out of school. I lived with my parents until last year. Suffice it to say, my stay on the psych ward was the nail in the coffin for my desire to live. I had a psychotic break with reality. It was my first time hallucinating, I saw a lot of religious imagery flash through my mind at the time, the whole experience would take forever to write out. It felt like an NDE, I now believe that after I die, reincarnation is a very real possibility and I'll come back female.

I'm planning in August to get a derringer black powder pistol to off myself with. I can't get an actual gun, because after my mom kicked me out she filed a PFA after our fight and my firearms rights were restricted for three years. I don't want to wait that long. It should be some time in August when I go.

I hope that next time I'll be a girl. The black void is also preferable.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find peace from your suffering, best wishes.