Normally I am very hesistant to write something like this. My suicide seems unavoidable but only in some years/decades. I try to postpone it as good as possible but I have the feeling something is happening to my brain currently. Yesterday a member of this forum said I seem to be pretty unstable/paranoid. This was pretty accurate. Feedback like this is very essential for me. (Yeah NYT you still believe this forum would have no positive effects.)
I have the feeling soon I could get a third psychosis. I have some warning signs. But I won't go into details. After these signs my last psychosis happened and I had extreme psychsomatic pain which made me very very suicidal. I think I might won't survive another one. I don't want to endure this pain another time.
There are two influences which made me unstable. I try to learn for university. The performance pressure is extremely bad for my health. (Caused my last 2 psychosis.) This has to do with my past abuse I had to endure. I have told to a lot of therapists I am really scared to become manic/get a psychosis when I attend again university. Noone believed me andinstead tried to convince me to try it. Due to missing alternatives I agreed to it. But without their pressure I would have quitted months ago because I think it is too dangerous.
The other reason was the article of the NYT. It made me pretty anxious to get doxxed by journalists and increased my paranoia a lot. It was very difficult for me to relax even during holidays. If I get a new psychosis and kill myself I am on their body count. They are not fully responsible but it was a big part of destabilizing myself. It woud be kind of ironic/cynical if I had to ctb due to the actions of some pro-lifers...
I will talk to my therapists about this development. In the past they ignored my warnings and I think they will do it once again. Though I try to convince my psychiatrist to give me more benzos in order to prevent the worst case scenario. I never was addicted to it. I always used it only with the sufficient responsibility.
I have the feeling soon I could get a third psychosis. I have some warning signs. But I won't go into details. After these signs my last psychosis happened and I had extreme psychsomatic pain which made me very very suicidal. I think I might won't survive another one. I don't want to endure this pain another time.
There are two influences which made me unstable. I try to learn for university. The performance pressure is extremely bad for my health. (Caused my last 2 psychosis.) This has to do with my past abuse I had to endure. I have told to a lot of therapists I am really scared to become manic/get a psychosis when I attend again university. Noone believed me andinstead tried to convince me to try it. Due to missing alternatives I agreed to it. But without their pressure I would have quitted months ago because I think it is too dangerous.
The other reason was the article of the NYT. It made me pretty anxious to get doxxed by journalists and increased my paranoia a lot. It was very difficult for me to relax even during holidays. If I get a new psychosis and kill myself I am on their body count. They are not fully responsible but it was a big part of destabilizing myself. It woud be kind of ironic/cynical if I had to ctb due to the actions of some pro-lifers...
I will talk to my therapists about this development. In the past they ignored my warnings and I think they will do it once again. Though I try to convince my psychiatrist to give me more benzos in order to prevent the worst case scenario. I never was addicted to it. I always used it only with the sufficient responsibility.
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