The longer attend my classes, the worse does my depression and suicidality get. I might could do one semester but certainly not the 6 semester I would need for my degree.
I have bipolar, psychosis and autism with very high neuroticism and perfectionism.
I feel like an imposter all the time. Like a total failure and loser. I cannot take this much longer.
I felt so much better without college. I already forgot how it feels to be at peace.
College is not a human condition with my Issues. And I am pretty sure barely anyone would do this (at least in the West) I did 5 semesters. It is not like I have low self-discipline. I lost 35 kg within 1 year, did not eat sweets for a decade, I am hungry almost all the time. My GPA at school Was almost perfect. And in college too. But this... I rather kill myself than to endure this.
I met my friends today. It was good. It should distract me from worrying and all the overwhelming sorrows. But I am not at peace. My heart rate is insanely high. When I am particpating in class my whole body shakes and my heart rate goes through the roof. Even when I am only considering to say something. I wonder whether others might notice me shaking. I got one cheeky comment once but Idgf tbh.
I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. All the therapists only pressured me to keep going.
I have done 3 weeks. And I feel so much worse. I need to take addictive medication again. It is all a house of cards. The semester is I think 15 weeks. I am not sure whether I will quit. A part of me says suicide is better than being a quitter. But I am a nursing case and get money for that. It might be enough to survive. It is a gamble but college brings me nothing except deep psychological torment and suicide.
I have the feeling something huge had to happen so that I quit. Getting called out for using AI. I think this would make me cry. And would fuel my suicidality. But it might be enough to give me the courage to quit.
It is interesting I am in panic all the time to get caught. Which is irrational because it seems unlikely. And I worried so much that I came to the conclusion that maybe the thing I feared the most might be a good thing.
I once started a training in Germany you can get easily get fired within the first 3 months. The mental agony Was insane. I had major depression and working made everything so much worse. I Was fired after 3 months because I could not hide what a wreck I am. It was like a world ended for me. Now retrospectively I think it was clearly the right thing. It would have been better to get fired earlier. It is like killing an animal out of mercy.
I have bipolar, psychosis and autism with very high neuroticism and perfectionism.
I feel like an imposter all the time. Like a total failure and loser. I cannot take this much longer.
I felt so much better without college. I already forgot how it feels to be at peace.
College is not a human condition with my Issues. And I am pretty sure barely anyone would do this (at least in the West) I did 5 semesters. It is not like I have low self-discipline. I lost 35 kg within 1 year, did not eat sweets for a decade, I am hungry almost all the time. My GPA at school Was almost perfect. And in college too. But this... I rather kill myself than to endure this.
I met my friends today. It was good. It should distract me from worrying and all the overwhelming sorrows. But I am not at peace. My heart rate is insanely high. When I am particpating in class my whole body shakes and my heart rate goes through the roof. Even when I am only considering to say something. I wonder whether others might notice me shaking. I got one cheeky comment once but Idgf tbh.
I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. All the therapists only pressured me to keep going.
I have done 3 weeks. And I feel so much worse. I need to take addictive medication again. It is all a house of cards. The semester is I think 15 weeks. I am not sure whether I will quit. A part of me says suicide is better than being a quitter. But I am a nursing case and get money for that. It might be enough to survive. It is a gamble but college brings me nothing except deep psychological torment and suicide.
I have the feeling something huge had to happen so that I quit. Getting called out for using AI. I think this would make me cry. And would fuel my suicidality. But it might be enough to give me the courage to quit.
It is interesting I am in panic all the time to get caught. Which is irrational because it seems unlikely. And I worried so much that I came to the conclusion that maybe the thing I feared the most might be a good thing.
I once started a training in Germany you can get easily get fired within the first 3 months. The mental agony Was insane. I had major depression and working made everything so much worse. I Was fired after 3 months because I could not hide what a wreck I am. It was like a world ended for me. Now retrospectively I think it was clearly the right thing. It would have been better to get fired earlier. It is like killing an animal out of mercy.
