Why I am Here (an ED discussion)

[tired of living]

Howdy
I think I am going to give up soon. I have had an eating disorder for years and I am so fucking tired. I want it all to stop. but of course my body is one that holds onto excess weight and even gains more so often, so my body isn't small enough for recovery. I'm a pretty active person and every time I do anything active I feel like I'm going to pass out. I need to change but I know I couldnt even if I wanted. I think it is my time, or at least it will be pretty soon.

I hate living like this.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

I feel you. I'm bulimic and my family makes fun of me for that. I don't want to be here either but I'm scared that SN might not work for me since I'm overweight. Living here makes me feel so worthless and tired.

 

[ratpudding]

I've had binge eating disorder for years and in the last couple months it ended up switching to anorexia.. I effectively had anorexia when I was young due to my dad starving me and criticizing my weight (normal weight for my height and age)

Now I'm past morbidly obese and diet and exercise arent reasonable for me (weather too hot for exercise and cant afford healthy food) so I guess my shit decided to shift back to starving myself. It's miserable either way though and I wish I could stop myself from doing it. But if I do, I know I'll end up going back to bingeing again

 

[Ednospatient]

eating disorder patient here too

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hey, Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder. I have met other people suffering from the same problem, it's really difficult to overcome. There are a few members here suffering from the same disorder.
To compare, I suffer from OCD, not officially related, but the symptoms are kinda the same. So I can relate a little.

You're probably already doing this, but if you could get help from a good therapist and if you manage to really be able to control the disorder via cognitive behavioral therapy, you might be able to overcome the disorder and live free.
For my OCD, I couldn't, but I didn't even got to try decently since I had other problems as well. Yet, It's worth a try, maybe.

If you need to vent, we are here to help. People here are really nice and will listen to you. Else, well, you can find a lot of information here.

I wish you the best in whatever path you decide to take.

Be well.

 

[littlelungs]

Longtime sufferer of disordered eating checking in here as well. It's taken many forms over the years and the drastic fluctuations in my weight made no secret of it. My last, really bad relapse definitely contributed to why I'm in such bad shape with my illness as I am now – before that I was steadily getting worse and then during/after the relapse I was (as you can probably imagine) so much worse off than before, but it was so powerful and largely fuelled by trauma that I just couldn't stop. I genuinely wanted it to kill me.

Living with an eating disorder is torture. I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

 

[Hurt]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. I've been eating a lot since I've been feeling suicidal. I gained around 44 pounds.

 

[ketchup sandwich]

Eating disorders are scary. I've been in and out of ED treatment over the past few years. A truly frightening and lonely struggle, my heart goes out to those facing this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It sounds really unpleasant what you are going through. I understand it can be hard to carry on when you are extremely tired of life. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[xLosthopex]

Long term anorexia sufferer here, my ED ironically is the only thing keeping me alive right now, mentally speaking, while killing me(physically) at the same time… it's my biggest coping mechanism in life

 

[StevieNixs]

Anorexia for years from age 17. Went into a couple of clinics during this time. Then Bulimia which was Hell. Now EDNOS for the last ten years or so. The sad thing is that I have completely normalised my eating disordered behaviour. I could say to my family "I have to leave now and go home to throw up" and they do not bat an eyelid as I have made it seem as ordinary as going home to wash my hair.

 

[tired of living]

Yeah, I just don't want to do this anymore but I'm too big to recover. I don't know why I can't lose weight, I am really active and I'm starving myself. But whatever. Fat guys don't go into recovery. I'm close to just giving up on life because of it hhhh

Thanks for all the responses though, it makes me feel less alone

 

[stygal]

I was deep into anorexia (and even more persistent ocd) for many years as a coping mechanism as well (past trauma and shitty job situation) - it made me even more suicidal - so I definitely can relate.

Then after a breakup I was like: Fuck it all - I will start eating "more normally" now because I was so tired of being so weak and exhausted and my blood sugar was always so low that I had chest pain.
I also was "Fuck it all" towards weight gain.
Only me surrendering and stopping starving myself for 1 year entirely helped me relax the situation at least partly so that I could then go back to a more "healthy" lifestyle and stay in a normal weight range (which I'm not always happy about but it could be worse)
I never would have come so far if I didn't stop all my "behaviors" at once despite feeling like a fat piece of shit during this time.

Op - I know it's hard but maybe try to not starve yourself despite the weight gain because starving puts mental pressure on you and the body feels like its in a famine all the time. Then after a while adapt a more healthy lifestyle but veeery slowly to be able to shift those patterns and never rush anything - it took me about 2,5 years to be ~normal~.

 

[Dear Agony]

Yikes, another one with an eating disorder passing by. I thought getting severely underweight would motivate me to recover, but it was the opposite. I don't want to gain weight at this point, I would rather die. I don't think recovery is a possibility for me anymore. Letting go of my ED seems too scary, but at the same time, it's torture to live like this. Please, don't think you need to lose weight to try recovery. A lot of us can live in better conditions after treatment. A lot of us actually get to enjoy their life and not want to die at some point. At least, that's what I'd like to believe in. If you believe there's any chance for you, if there's a part of you that believes in recovery, try it. The severity of your eating disorder is not determined by weight alone, and you could die from your behaviors at any weight. You're valid and important. I support whatever choice you make! This isn't an easy thing to deal with at all...

 

[chicken-nugget]

My depression and anxiety added with the stress of trying to appear "normal" all the time has developed into an ED again. I'm terrified of going back to before where I couldn't eat anything even if I really wanted to without my body triggering itself to purge. I lost so much weight before and nobody in my life cared so I ended up running away to another country but I can do that again..