Mooncry
✧ delulu girlfailure ✧
- Sep 11, 2024
- 369
At this point, it doesn't feel entirely right to attribute my continued existence solely to SI. I've researched my method to excess, I know exactly how it will physically affect me and I'm okay with it, I have a plan for what I'd like to be doing during the entire ordeal, I have my note written out (finally.)
I feel a lack of motivation to CTB, just like I lack motivation to do anything else in life. So I sit here in my complacency everyday, pleading for this limbo to end and for my brain to finally let me die. The only time I feel properly motivated to go through with it is when I'm in a very bad headspace—which obviously makes sense. Feeling passively miserable but actively "okay" is such a fucking curse.
Unfortunately, the only time I can be put into that actively miserable headspace that kickstarts my desire to die is usually only when other people are around. Sometimes my really bad PME episodes will trigger it, but the timing of those is unpredictable because I don't consistently get my period.
I think I'm too good at walling myself off from my misery—so good that I fool myself into thinking I'm okay every single day that I continue to breathe. I'm not okay. I'm living on borrowed time, drawing this out for far longer than I ever wanted to. It's like I'm waiting for a time when the stars align, everything falls into place, and all the boxes are checked for the "perfect moment," when realistically, I just need to do it when the timing is opportune—motivation or not.
If anyone is reading this and can relate, I'm so sorry. This is the worst limbo imaginable.
I feel a lack of motivation to CTB, just like I lack motivation to do anything else in life. So I sit here in my complacency everyday, pleading for this limbo to end and for my brain to finally let me die. The only time I feel properly motivated to go through with it is when I'm in a very bad headspace—which obviously makes sense. Feeling passively miserable but actively "okay" is such a fucking curse.
Unfortunately, the only time I can be put into that actively miserable headspace that kickstarts my desire to die is usually only when other people are around. Sometimes my really bad PME episodes will trigger it, but the timing of those is unpredictable because I don't consistently get my period.
I think I'm too good at walling myself off from my misery—so good that I fool myself into thinking I'm okay every single day that I continue to breathe. I'm not okay. I'm living on borrowed time, drawing this out for far longer than I ever wanted to. It's like I'm waiting for a time when the stars align, everything falls into place, and all the boxes are checked for the "perfect moment," when realistically, I just need to do it when the timing is opportune—motivation or not.
If anyone is reading this and can relate, I'm so sorry. This is the worst limbo imaginable.
