Venting Why haven’t you done it yet?

[mafuyu]

There are no ways for a person like me to succeed.

I'm 26 and I can't drive, and I haven't worked in 5 years. I was married, but I'm in the middle of getting divorced which means I'm about to lose my insurance. Too bad my tooth just began hurting too… My ex has been kind enough to let me stay where she lives in the basement until next year, and then I need to be out. But I live in the Midwest America, and I can't drive, nor do I have a car if I could. I don't have a job because there's no way I can get to most jobs.

I don't know how people did it back in the times of like the Great Depression. What kept them going? And what has failed to keep so many of us going? What is the fundamental difference? Is it brain chemistry? Some of us were set up for failure. It is genuinely a fluke that I even got this far. All things considered, I shouldn't have.

Even with people who care about me, and someone who seems to love me, and I love them, it feels like I will never be able to accomplish the basic things in life, and therefore, I should just die. I mean, it's not like I'm doing anything for society. Humans always move on.

 

[100memoryleaks]

false hopes. false hopes kept me going. stupid false hopes.

 

[instormdrains]

I think suicide rates spike in the great depression. I remember in history class that people who had money in the bank lost every dollar they put there and many people killed themselves after finding out.

I haven't killed myself because I love God and its also very hard to get the courage to jump off a building or cliff

 

[mafuyu]

false hopes. false hopes kept me going. stupid false hopes.

Genuinely, fuck hope. Sure, having it might give some purpose, until it all falls through. That's even worse.

I think suicide rates spike in the great depression. I remember in history class that people who had money in the bank lost every dollar they put there and many people killed themselves after finding out.

I haven't killed myself because I love God and its also very hard to get the courage to jump off a building or cliff

Oh, I definitely get you. I was high up, looking off a ledge before, and I realized that wasn't even nearly as high as I needed to be. Like, if I was already feeling bad. It's different saying you'll do something versus actually being there.

 

[Passenger4224]

I had to work on eliminating my false hopes first. I only just recently completed that task.

 

[walsun]

just the research and the logistics part of it all.
hoping to CTB within the next 4 months.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Being bad at strangling myself gotta change methods, I think.

 

[oilsaniok]

world cup

 

[emptymiku]

i don't know, maybe it's the false hope.

also, hey mafuyu.

 

[Jadeith]

Duties. Gotta take care of my parents as they are getting old. Besides they do not deserve to bury their child. Also got offspring which must reach independence before i can put myself to rest.

 

[coyote1323]

research. possibly finding a partner...whether a future fp or a ctb pact. some loose ends as well.

 

[passthisnote]

im planning to ctb in 8 months right before i turn 20 cuz i want to enjoy being 19 still

 

[AltercatingVoices]

Purely SI. Have a method, timeframe, right conditions, etc. but still can't go through with it. Only seem to delay it even if I have no hope

 

[ilovecats1]

i dont know why i wanna do it actually... i have a chance at a job in a few months and im waiting for that. if i cant it will set me back two more years and i need to save a lot more money for my surgeries and i dont think if i can wait two more years just to start saving so its more like 4-5 years setback. but even before this ive been lurking on this forum since like 2022 i think and i at times like this just the thought of cbt makes me feel a lot more happier. basically its all up to how im going to do at the exam that decides if you can work at a government hospital in october.

 

[fishingline23]

Inconsistent willpower and inadequate courage... i usually have the strongest suicidal ideations during either very busy and stressful times OR very vacant and relaxed holidays, but during those times as well i always either have something to get done urgently or have nothing to do at all and my guilt as a privileged yet unoccupied person takes over. And for the rest of the times i might just be feeling normal-great-ish so the ideation doesnt cross my mind

Closest ive been to committing was years ago over losing my dental retainer (that obv costed my parents quite a lot) and later that evening contemplated whether to go home or to jump off a nearby mall. I ended up going home and attempted to drown myself in my bathtub but before i could hold my breath for longer i thought about how horrific it would be for my family to find my body in the morning

I believe a good amount of people are stuck in similar cycles as well:")

 

[lilyistootired]

Some part of me believes if I'm just thinner or prettier or less combative or more feminine the universe will save me and give me stability and a situation where I don't have to be vigilant anymore and can just feel protected and okay. Obviously this is entirely impossible but that doesn't stop some part of me from believing it.

 

[never mind me]

I just looked up suicide rates in the US and they spiked during the great depression and are in general correlated with unemployment rates and economically hard times, at least for middle aged people. So people were not so much different in earlier times, only even with high suicide rates most people still don't commit suicide. But it shows that external circumstances have a strong influence on suicide rates.
A similar example are the suicide rates in the former German Democratic Republic vs the Federal Republic of Germany. In the the facto socialist dictatorship of the German Democratic Republic suicide rates were a lot higher than in the Federal Republic of Germany. But after the abolition of the German Democratic Republic and its dictatorship and the reunification with the Federal Republic of Germany suicide rates in what used to be the German Democratic Republic fell sharply.
Unfortunately I don't really know how it is possible to go on even under bad circumstances as I am struggling to do so myself. On the other hand I think that also many people who eventually don't kill themselves have suicidal ideation at least at some point in their lifes and many more suffer from mental illness at least once.

 

[MiMif]

I think suicide rates spike in the great depression. I remember in history class that people who had money in the bank lost every dollar they put there and many people killed themselves after finding out.

I haven't killed myself because I love God and its also very hard to get the courage to jump off a building or cliff

Off-topic but radiohead mentioned

 

[slowlybreaking]

i have a few projects i want to get finished before ctb, one of them is preserving my voice for eternity, as i always had a passion for singing. given op's user i think they might know what i'm talking about :)

it might take a while, but i've put myself a deadline; i've got until my bf's death anniversary to die a peaceful death, otherwise i'm probably just gonna go berserk. in the meantime, i'm gonna practice the methods discussed in this forum

 

[saturn1ne]

SI. only method i have access to is drowning so yeah.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

i'm on this website since 2018 but for some reason i still don't have the courage to hang and i feel a coward for this because i made pace with death and suffering and i'm ready to go but still i don't have the courage to do it
maybe because i don't want to be found and i don't want to be in coffin while other people look at me idk
but i wish i can ctb soon

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Steel ball run anime

 

[hdead]

Waiting for some more packages to arrive.

 

[broken serenity]

Because other people's frothy emotional displays convinced me life matters, and I don't love myself enough to put myself first. Hopefully not much longer tho.

 

[overusedusername]

Because I'm so bad at cbt'ing :') SI seemingly always kicks in

 

[tomame]

going well the only reason though I'm thinking lately ... won't be much metter if i waited. it only gets worst

 

[Casoperso]

false hope that things can get better

 

[bunnygirl4]

because i'm scared. i've tried, and i can't get myself to go through with it.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

Logistics keep me from doing it as of right now

 

[Lemelonade]

I want to experience one last summer.