Discussion Why haven’t you CTB?

[Neowise]

Because I haven't had the ultimate reason yet.
Life is shit because I still live with my parents but there is a small chance it might get better once I finish university and get my own apartment. I'm just focusing on that and if my life continues to be shit I can still kill myself.

im 100 /100 sure if my family had a gun i whould be dead 2018 all these 3 years just because there is no simple way to go

Funny, I said a very similar sentence somewhere, too. If I had a gun I might be long dead already since you can do it spontaneously and when you aim right it is 100% deadly. Shooting myself would be my preferred method but sadly I live in Europe where it is hard to get a gun.

 

[Darrenloses]

I'm in 2 minds, part of me wants to continue with life trying to make something better of myself but the other half wants to end it now so I don't have to deal with the intrusive thoughts I have every day, it also excites me a little to see what comes after death. Like with LetzteAusfahrt I don't believe in an afterlife but the unexpected in death has me curious.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Before: a personal vow not to follow in my father's footsteps.
Now: lack of a viable peaceful means

 

[Timetogo123]

For me I can't get SN. I'd do it if I had the pills to but I couldn't jump or drown. I don't think I could do hanging either.

 

[ashedout]

Knowing I have the option to CTB gives me a feeling of power and control and so I always have it as a back up plan. More and more I want to just do it though because as much as I could potentially change the circumstances that I'm in, the effort involved doesn't always seem worth it and I always seems to come back to this place where CTB is the better option.

And then the classic "mom would be sad" but even that holds less value as the days go on.

 

[Timetogo123]

I've got a peaceful place to do it in a home I won't be found in time. I'm just lacking the means.

 

[Mouse_]

I was going to do it last year around February. I was in a crazed state, I wasn't thinking straight, and that helped solidify my intention. My parents knew I was going out. My plan was to leave my phone with my suicide note in my car and smoke a last cigarette on the bridge before throwing myself into the river.

And then my little sister called, and asked me if I wanted to go to my dad's for dinner.

For me it wasn't the guilt as much as the realisation that this kid, and other people as well, cared about my presence on this planet and they would miss me, and not understand why I left. As many things in my lift often do, it came down to my younger siblings and my instinct to protect them.

 

[MrSadLad]

My parents. Can't hurt them. As soon as they are gone, so am I.

 

[Bigpink]

I've no real reason to carry on with life but it's the fear of a failed attempt that worries me. Having to face people and all the questions, no one knows I feel this way. I just want to quietly disappear

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I'm a coward.
Deathly afraid of what comes next
Deathly afraid I'll regret it in the last moments
I keep saying 'give it a year' and what with covid, and my lack of ability to do things that'll make me happier (proper job, stuck in sex work), a committed relationship (where the fuck would i find that) and seeing my friends...i don't know. I don't want to turn 30. Most days I don't want to turn 26. But I can very easily see me waiting out the next 5 years doing shit....who knows.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I am afraid of how my son will react to my death. And my family. It's so hard because every moment of every day I just want to go. But still, there is a little part of me screaming on the inside that things might get better. They probably won't, but there is always a small chance. Death is so final. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Silver]

My family mainly, but death is (Probably) final, so it is hard to go through with it knowing that might be it forever, I will no longer exist.

Plus I need to be sure that when I attempt, that's it. I can't fail and go to hospital.

 

[A Desperate Fool]

I've had a good life and I'm content with ending the story here. My wife won't talk to me and I just cannot deal with losing her or adjusting to a life without her. Part of me is holding on in hopes that I hear from her, because I know deep down she loves me and misses me. If I lost that hope, and I had a peaceful method and the confidence that I wouldn't screw it up, I'd do it.

 

[AnOrangeDonut]

Because my friends haven;t done it yet, and it would be unfair to them if I'm the one who ends up making the decision that we're all gonna die. We're not in a suicide pact or anything of the like. It's just most of us kinda found eachother because we've had a hard time fitting in with "normal" people. Mostly we are all verying degrees of traumatized or mentally ill, and I know some of them are trying really hard to not give up, and I just don;t think it's fair to make it harder on them. Maybe once I'm done with school and I can create a little distance between us

 

[FatalSystemError591]

Knowing my girlfriend would be hurt by my passing.

 

[inthemoonblue]

My family and friends. I feel so guilty about doing this to them.

 

[ThePainIsntSoBad]

I'm waiting for the impulse, I have everything needed for partial hanging, but I just have a feeling that it's going to be an impulsive act, no premeditated decision just fucking rope around neck, bend down, pass out
I could care less about family, 2 weeks of "oh my god why us" phone calls of "I'm so sorry" from relatives then back to the grind baby

 

[Adamsnolife]

Needing something in the UK to end then I can do it. Can't do it as I'm not local

 

[Lupgevif]

No idea how'd I sneak a rope into this house.

 

[Shadowrider]

My love. And the few friends I am still having.

 

[mattymate]

Because I don't have N and other methods scares me one way or another.

 

[dontwantthislife]

1. Scared of failure and being send to a psych ward!!!!! FUCK HOSPITALS.
2. my 16 year old kitty. Once she's gone, I'm gone
3. There are a few people who actually want me to commit suicide, so out of spite I am still here

 

[imsorrythatimhere]

Don't have a really good method that's painless and guilt

 

[hurting75]

Scared of failing and not knowing if my method will be painless for me and the fear of the unknown like whats going to happen after death , and knowing this will hurt my family and dog hurts but what can I do , I didn't ask for any of this and its also so hard to go through with it knowing its permanent and such big deal

 

[Isitmytime]

1. A bit of hope left, but fading quickly. I'm afraid I am just lying to myself. 2. My dogs - I hate to abandon them. 3. I don't like to give satisfaction to my family. 4. Logistics, leaving things in order. 5. I want to be fully at peace with leaving and not panic, so I don't make a fool of myself. 6. Would love to get my hands on some beta blocker, to make SN easier.

That said, it might just happen one day for me to just do it, if my life suddenly goes South so fast that I run out of time.

 

[goodgrief]

Mainly it's the fact I don't have a reliable method and I'm scared of doing something wrong and ending up alive and worse off.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

im 100 /100 sure if my family had a gun i whould be dead 2018 all these 3 years just because there is no simple way to go

 

[Makko]

Too comfortable. But if I'm contemplating suicide now already, I wonder what's going to happen when I start getting what people call "real problems".

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Too comfortable. But if I'm contemplating suicide now already, I wonder what's going to happen when I start getting what people call "real problems".

By that "work will set you free" thread it seems that you actually have "real problems". Maybe you're financially independent and well liked, but if you don't have close relationships that you value, that will be enough for many to start contemplating. Not sure about you personally, but it sounded like you might also share my inability to "connect" to people. I've never "missed" anyone, for example.

 

[Isitmytime]

By that "work will set you free" thread it seems that you actually have "real problems". Maybe you're financially independent and well liked, but if you don't have close relationships that you value, that will be enough for many to start contemplating. Not sure about you personally, but it sounded like you might also share my inability to "connect" to people. I've never "missed" anyone, for example.

Gosh, how I envy you guys!!!
Missing too much might also be a problem, be careful what you wish for! ;)