Venting Why don't I try to get better?

[torturedmind]

This is my first post here. I am 26 years old and a female. I am currently living with one of my parents, which I am very grateful for. Although, I do not feel like I deserve it. I feel like my parents should have given up on me already, because I continue to live in the same way I have for so long. I have been working part-time at the same job for more than four years now. I do not have a degree despite having aimlessly completed many courses at a community college. My "goals" are to decide on a degree or program to complete so I can find a better paying job, and one that I may enjoy more than the job I have now. I also have goals to make friends, start therapy, stop getting high (THC), fix my diet and get in better shape. It may sound like I want to get better, but I keep letting each day pass by without making any changes. I get home from work and just want to do nothing. I want to sleep and I want to isolate myself. I hate being around other people, just being perceived by others makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I have so much self hatred and so many negative thoughts that I often feel paralyzed. I see myself as beyond privileged considering the fact that I have a loving and supportive family and money to attend college. So why haven't I done anything with my life? I have let so many years go by as I stay in the same place, being tortured by my thoughts instead of trying harder to control my thoughts and be more positive. It is exhausting to deal with depression and anxiety and knowing it is likely to never go away, I will have to try and cope with it for the rest of my life.
I have often felt like I am eventually going to kill myself. I recently moved out of the place I was paying rent to stay after my cat died. My sweet cat, she was my everything, I came home and found her dead four months ago and that completely destroyed me. She was only six years old, so her death was so unexpected and broke my heart into pieces. I used to tell myself I would not be able to live without her, but I'm still here. I miss the love I had with my cat and I struggle everyday with the memories of how I found her and it honestly traumatized me. I still do not know what happened to her or how she died, as an autopsy was not done before she was cremated. I feel so guilty and feel like I must have done something wrong that caused her to become unhealthy and die.
I feel so guilty for not being successful and having not achieved anything that I can feel proud of myself for. Despite the fact that I started working out a few years ago, I feel like I have nothing to make my depression and anxiety better. The medication I take for depression and anxiety does help to an extent, but since I was "diagnosed" with depression at the age of 6 I have been on so many different antidepressants that I don't even remember them all. I need to start therapy again but I am so hesitant to try because of my experiences with therapy in the past. I feel like most of therapy involves the therapist telling someone what they need to do to get better. If the person isn't going to carry out those actions, they aren't going to get better. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore; actually, I pretty much never want to try anymore.
I am extremely insecure and hate my body. I have always struggled with comparing myself to others and my insecurities are so strong that I often isolate myself and avoid going out in public. I've spent the entirety of my twenties struggling with depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. But I keep doing nothing and I'm scared that my parents are going to get sick and die before I have the chance to be happy and make them proud. I feel so much guilt and self hatred, I just do not want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I may be seen as someone who shouldn't be here on this website, but I have spent a lot of time reading this forum and wanted to see if there is anyone here with a similar experience as mine. I can't burden my family anymore by talking to them about how depressed I am, they do not understand why it is so hard for me to just try and change my life. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, but I do appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

 

[thewalkingdread]

I'm truly sorry about the loss of your cat... It's devastating to lose a loved one. (Specially our pawed ones). I went through something quite similar and I know unconsolable It is.

I wanted to give you a clear advice: try to stop putting your self down because you feel like you are a burden on your parents. You owe NOTHING to them.

Actually, it's quite the contrary... They owe everything to YOU. They're the only ones to blame for you being in this shitty world in the first place. If you were never born, you wouldn't be suffering now... And that would be a "good" thing.

So stop carrying a weight that isn't yours tô carry.

 

[Blue Elephant]

@thewalkingdread made some good points.

@torturedmind you don't owe anything to anyone, you don't need to achieve anything. Maybe stop thinking about what other people want you to do and start thinking about what You Want To Do, maybe something that is fun For You! And then go for it, one, step, at a time.

You are the Center! You can start from here! There are no rules and wherever and whenever you go it's fine. It's fine!

And you are welcome here, on this website. We are happy to have you with us. : )

 

[torturedmind]

I'm truly sorry about the loss of your cat... It's devastating to lose a loved one. (Specially our pawed ones). I went through something quite similar and I know unconsolable It is.

I wanted to give you a clear advice: try to stop putting your self down because you feel like you are a burden on your parents. You owe NOTHING to them.

Actually, it's quite the contrary... They owe everything to YOU. They're the only ones to blame for you being in this shitty world in the first place. If you were never born, you wouldn't be suffering now... And that would be a "good" thing.

So stop carrying a weight that isn't yours tô carry.

Thank you, I miss her so much. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me! My parents have always been supportive of me and continue to support me to this day. I just know they are frustrated with me. I am frustrated with myself as well. It's true that I shouldn't feel like I owe my parents anything, but I feel like I haven't given them what they deserve in return for loving and caring for me for my entire life. I just have a lot of emotions surrounding how my depression has affected my parents because I have seen how much it hurts them.

@thewalkingdread made some good points.

@torturedmind you don't owe anything to anyone, you don't need to achieve anything. Maybe stop thinking about what other people want you to do and start thinking about what You Want To Do, maybe something that is fun For You! And then go for it, one, step, at a time.

You are the Center! You can start from here! There are no rules and wherever and whenever you go it's fine. It's fine!

And you are welcome here, on this website. We are happy to have you with us. : )

Thank you for being so welcoming, that means a lot to me! I struggle to interact with people in my life and don't have friends that I talk to regularly. I have never really felt like I had a "passion" in life. When I started exercising I really felt like that was saving me and that I was going to revolve my life around being active and fit and healthy and all that. But over the past year or so I have really fallen back into my depression and I feel so horrible about myself that I have barely been going to the gym, despite the fact that it helps my mood so much. Sometimes it feels like a never ending cycle of getting somewhat excited or hopeful about life just for it to end up getting bad again until I find something else that helps for a while.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

This is my first post here. I am 26 years old and a female. I am currently living with one of my parents, which I am very grateful for. Although, I do not feel like I deserve it. I feel like my parents should have given up on me already, because I continue to live in the same way I have for so long. I have been working part-time at the same job for more than four years now. I do not have a degree despite having aimlessly completed many courses at a community college. My "goals" are to decide on a degree or program to complete so I can find a better paying job, and one that I may enjoy more than the job I have now. I also have goals to make friends, start therapy, stop getting high (THC), fix my diet and get in better shape. It may sound like I want to get better, but I keep letting each day pass by without making any changes. I get home from work and just want to do nothing. I want to sleep and I want to isolate myself. I hate being around other people, just being perceived by others makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I have so much self hatred and so many negative thoughts that I often feel paralyzed. I see myself as beyond privileged considering the fact that I have a loving and supportive family and money to attend college. So why haven't I done anything with my life? I have let so many years go by as I stay in the same place, being tortured by my thoughts instead of trying harder to control my thoughts and be more positive. It is exhausting to deal with depression and anxiety and knowing it is likely to never go away, I will have to try and cope with it for the rest of my life.
I have often felt like I am eventually going to kill myself. I recently moved out of the place I was paying rent to stay after my cat died. My sweet cat, she was my everything, I came home and found her dead four months ago and that completely destroyed me. She was only six years old, so her death was so unexpected and broke my heart into pieces. I used to tell myself I would not be able to live without her, but I'm still here. I miss the love I had with my cat and I struggle everyday with the memories of how I found her and it honestly traumatized me. I still do not know what happened to her or how she died, as an autopsy was not done before she was cremated. I feel so guilty and feel like I must have done something wrong that caused her to become unhealthy and die.
I feel so guilty for not being successful and having not achieved anything that I can feel proud of myself for. Despite the fact that I started working out a few years ago, I feel like I have nothing to make my depression and anxiety better. The medication I take for depression and anxiety does help to an extent, but since I was "diagnosed" with depression at the age of 6 I have been on so many different antidepressants that I don't even remember them all. I need to start therapy again but I am so hesitant to try because of my experiences with therapy in the past. I feel like most of therapy involves the therapist telling someone what they need to do to get better. If the person isn't going to carry out those actions, they aren't going to get better. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore; actually, I pretty much never want to try anymore.
I am extremely insecure and hate my body. I have always struggled with comparing myself to others and my insecurities are so strong that I often isolate myself and avoid going out in public. I've spent the entirety of my twenties struggling with depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. But I keep doing nothing and I'm scared that my parents are going to get sick and die before I have the chance to be happy and make them proud. I feel so much guilt and self hatred, I just do not want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I may be seen as someone who shouldn't be here on this website, but I have spent a lot of time reading this forum and wanted to see if there is anyone here with a similar experience as mine. I can't burden my family anymore by talking to them about how depressed I am, they do not understand why it is so hard for me to just try and change my life. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, but I do appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm 27F and despite outwardly seeming like I shouldn't feel this way, I do. I struggle with social anxiety, depression, self-loathing, insecurity, and have been this way for my whole life, essentially. Also was on antidepressants since middle school.

I used to feel like a failure, because I couldn't live up to what my parents expected of me. But I changed the way I thought about it, and realized I have no obligation to live up to their expectations. If they had a kid hoping they would turn out a certain way, that's on them to come to terms with that and not my problem.

Like others have said, you shouldn't feel like a burden to your parents. They did make the decision to bring you into this world after all, you don't owe them anything. Also, there's no reason why you wouldn't belong here :)

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life isn't a linear game where you must follow a certain path, you can do whatever you want, you should do whatever you want.

Being successful is very subjective and probably wouldn't help you as much as you think. Take my case: I was a workaholic for several years, I was top of the class through university and high school, moved through my career in an upwards trajectory very quickly and now have a great job with a high paying salary - I feel miserable and suicidal.

Because at the end of the day, "success" may not fulfill a person, it doesn't really fulfill me. All this time working so much for...what? The problems are still here.

You don't need to have a passion, we all have different qualities and purposes in life, you just need to find your purpose. That can be quite exciting, think about it - you have more to discover about yourself and you have the time to do so. You're not behind, you don't own your parents anything, we are all just animals inhabiting this earth and trying to be happy with whatever we feel makes us happy.

I'm sorry you have been depressed since so young, that is really a gigantic amount of time to feel depressed and starting as a child...
I think giving therapy a go could be good. The therapist doesn't tell you what to do but rather helps you understand how your brain works, why you feel a certain way and teaches you techniques to deal with things. There are also several types of therapy, could be worth researching.

You sound like a wonderful person, that is why you care so much and you're so hard on yourself. Give yourself a bit of a break, we can only do so much with the cards life gives us.

 

[Raindancer]

First let me say I am very sorry about your cat. I am always worried about my fur baby, so I can definitely relate. From the way you speak about her, I am betting you took very special care of her. I lost my soul dog after only having her for 4 years. The vet said he thought cancer, but I still beat myself up wondering if I did everything I could, gave her the right food etc. I am also new to this group and am very stuck at the moment. I have never been this stuck and am really struggling with that at the moment. I am sure your parents love you very much and only want to see you happy and content. I think we put all these expectations on ourselves and then beat ourselves up when we aren't living up to them. In all honesty, just being is enough. We don't have to accomplish anything to be worthy. Maybe you just haven't found that thing yet, or maybe there isn't one. I fell into my job by necessity and accident. I too know I should get into therapy but keep putting it off, my last therapist was very unhelpful.

I think you are really selling yourself short. You can tell you are a very caring person by your concern over your cat and worrying if you are disappointing your parents. As someone above said, maybe focus on one thing at a time. Have you thought about maybe rescuing or getting another cat? Personally I am completely lost without a fur baby. From one newbie to another, welcome!

 

[SpacePanda]

This is my first post here. I am 26 years old and a female. I am currently living with one of my parents, which I am very grateful for. Although, I do not feel like I deserve it. I feel like my parents should have given up on me already, because I continue to live in the same way I have for so long. I have been working part-time at the same job for more than four years now. I do not have a degree despite having aimlessly completed many courses at a community college. My "goals" are to decide on a degree or program to complete so I can find a better paying job, and one that I may enjoy more than the job I have now. I also have goals to make friends, start therapy, stop getting high (THC), fix my diet and get in better shape. It may sound like I want to get better, but I keep letting each day pass by without making any changes. I get home from work and just want to do nothing. I want to sleep and I want to isolate myself. I hate being around other people, just being perceived by others makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I have so much self hatred and so many negative thoughts that I often feel paralyzed. I see myself as beyond privileged considering the fact that I have a loving and supportive family and money to attend college. So why haven't I done anything with my life? I have let so many years go by as I stay in the same place, being tortured by my thoughts instead of trying harder to control my thoughts and be more positive. It is exhausting to deal with depression and anxiety and knowing it is likely to never go away, I will have to try and cope with it for the rest of my life.
I have often felt like I am eventually going to kill myself. I recently moved out of the place I was paying rent to stay after my cat died. My sweet cat, she was my everything, I came home and found her dead four months ago and that completely destroyed me. She was only six years old, so her death was so unexpected and broke my heart into pieces. I used to tell myself I would not be able to live without her, but I'm still here. I miss the love I had with my cat and I struggle everyday with the memories of how I found her and it honestly traumatized me. I still do not know what happened to her or how she died, as an autopsy was not done before she was cremated. I feel so guilty and feel like I must have done something wrong that caused her to become unhealthy and die.
I feel so guilty for not being successful and having not achieved anything that I can feel proud of myself for. Despite the fact that I started working out a few years ago, I feel like I have nothing to make my depression and anxiety better. The medication I take for depression and anxiety does help to an extent, but since I was "diagnosed" with depression at the age of 6 I have been on so many different antidepressants that I don't even remember them all. I need to start therapy again but I am so hesitant to try because of my experiences with therapy in the past. I feel like most of therapy involves the therapist telling someone what they need to do to get better. If the person isn't going to carry out those actions, they aren't going to get better. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore; actually, I pretty much never want to try anymore.
I am extremely insecure and hate my body. I have always struggled with comparing myself to others and my insecurities are so strong that I often isolate myself and avoid going out in public. I've spent the entirety of my twenties struggling with depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. But I keep doing nothing and I'm scared that my parents are going to get sick and die before I have the chance to be happy and make them proud. I feel so much guilt and self hatred, I just do not want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I may be seen as someone who shouldn't be here on this website, but I have spent a lot of time reading this forum and wanted to see if there is anyone here with a similar experience as mine. I can't burden my family anymore by talking to them about how depressed I am, they do not understand why it is so hard for me to just try and change my life. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, but I do appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

I decided to join the forum to reply, usually I just read here and there.

Your story really resonated with me.
I admire your tenacity and your goals.
Being in a similar position now and in the past, I wanted to say if you ever need a friend/sponsor or anything of the sort to just check in with about stuff , my door's always open.

Your feelings are valid, like others have said you don't owe your parents but I can understand wanting to give back after they've shown you kindness.

Hope to see more of your posts!

 

[Blue Elephant]

Thank you for being so welcoming, that means a lot to me! I struggle to interact with people in my life and don't have friends that I talk to regularly. I have never really felt like I had a "passion" in life. When I started exercising I really felt like that was saving me and that I was going to revolve my life around being active and fit and healthy and all that. But over the past year or so I have really fallen back into my depression and I feel so horrible about myself that I have barely been going to the gym, despite the fact that it helps my mood so much. Sometimes it feels like a never ending cycle of getting somewhat excited or hopeful about life just for it to end up getting bad again until I find something else that helps for a while.

Maybe you struggle with finding friends because the people around you are not right for you as friends. I am the same, many of us around here are like that. It's alright, you should never push yourself and become friends with the wrong people, you should find the good and the smart and grow with them.

You don't need to have passions, I mean you could if you wanted to do, but you don't have to. I think simple hobbies are enough so instead of taking big joy from one place, you take smaller but more joys from different places. Maybe it's better this way because if you tire of something, others remain.

I love doing sports too! \o/ Sadly, I'm slightly injured now and I have to take a few days off. It's ok though, tomorrow I'm going to a salt mine where I'll be spending a week or two. It's for health reasons, it helps with breathing.

Maybe we'll talk more when I get back. I wish you pleasant days! \o