torturedmind
What the hell am I doing here?
- Nov 5, 2023
- 9
This is my first post here. I am 26 years old and a female. I am currently living with one of my parents, which I am very grateful for. Although, I do not feel like I deserve it. I feel like my parents should have given up on me already, because I continue to live in the same way I have for so long. I have been working part-time at the same job for more than four years now. I do not have a degree despite having aimlessly completed many courses at a community college. My "goals" are to decide on a degree or program to complete so I can find a better paying job, and one that I may enjoy more than the job I have now. I also have goals to make friends, start therapy, stop getting high (THC), fix my diet and get in better shape. It may sound like I want to get better, but I keep letting each day pass by without making any changes. I get home from work and just want to do nothing. I want to sleep and I want to isolate myself. I hate being around other people, just being perceived by others makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I have so much self hatred and so many negative thoughts that I often feel paralyzed. I see myself as beyond privileged considering the fact that I have a loving and supportive family and money to attend college. So why haven't I done anything with my life? I have let so many years go by as I stay in the same place, being tortured by my thoughts instead of trying harder to control my thoughts and be more positive. It is exhausting to deal with depression and anxiety and knowing it is likely to never go away, I will have to try and cope with it for the rest of my life.
I have often felt like I am eventually going to kill myself. I recently moved out of the place I was paying rent to stay after my cat died. My sweet cat, she was my everything, I came home and found her dead four months ago and that completely destroyed me. She was only six years old, so her death was so unexpected and broke my heart into pieces. I used to tell myself I would not be able to live without her, but I'm still here. I miss the love I had with my cat and I struggle everyday with the memories of how I found her and it honestly traumatized me. I still do not know what happened to her or how she died, as an autopsy was not done before she was cremated. I feel so guilty and feel like I must have done something wrong that caused her to become unhealthy and die.
I feel so guilty for not being successful and having not achieved anything that I can feel proud of myself for. Despite the fact that I started working out a few years ago, I feel like I have nothing to make my depression and anxiety better. The medication I take for depression and anxiety does help to an extent, but since I was "diagnosed" with depression at the age of 6 I have been on so many different antidepressants that I don't even remember them all. I need to start therapy again but I am so hesitant to try because of my experiences with therapy in the past. I feel like most of therapy involves the therapist telling someone what they need to do to get better. If the person isn't going to carry out those actions, they aren't going to get better. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore; actually, I pretty much never want to try anymore.
I am extremely insecure and hate my body. I have always struggled with comparing myself to others and my insecurities are so strong that I often isolate myself and avoid going out in public. I've spent the entirety of my twenties struggling with depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. But I keep doing nothing and I'm scared that my parents are going to get sick and die before I have the chance to be happy and make them proud. I feel so much guilt and self hatred, I just do not want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I may be seen as someone who shouldn't be here on this website, but I have spent a lot of time reading this forum and wanted to see if there is anyone here with a similar experience as mine. I can't burden my family anymore by talking to them about how depressed I am, they do not understand why it is so hard for me to just try and change my life. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, but I do appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
I have often felt like I am eventually going to kill myself. I recently moved out of the place I was paying rent to stay after my cat died. My sweet cat, she was my everything, I came home and found her dead four months ago and that completely destroyed me. She was only six years old, so her death was so unexpected and broke my heart into pieces. I used to tell myself I would not be able to live without her, but I'm still here. I miss the love I had with my cat and I struggle everyday with the memories of how I found her and it honestly traumatized me. I still do not know what happened to her or how she died, as an autopsy was not done before she was cremated. I feel so guilty and feel like I must have done something wrong that caused her to become unhealthy and die.
I feel so guilty for not being successful and having not achieved anything that I can feel proud of myself for. Despite the fact that I started working out a few years ago, I feel like I have nothing to make my depression and anxiety better. The medication I take for depression and anxiety does help to an extent, but since I was "diagnosed" with depression at the age of 6 I have been on so many different antidepressants that I don't even remember them all. I need to start therapy again but I am so hesitant to try because of my experiences with therapy in the past. I feel like most of therapy involves the therapist telling someone what they need to do to get better. If the person isn't going to carry out those actions, they aren't going to get better. Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore; actually, I pretty much never want to try anymore.
I am extremely insecure and hate my body. I have always struggled with comparing myself to others and my insecurities are so strong that I often isolate myself and avoid going out in public. I've spent the entirety of my twenties struggling with depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. But I keep doing nothing and I'm scared that my parents are going to get sick and die before I have the chance to be happy and make them proud. I feel so much guilt and self hatred, I just do not want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I may be seen as someone who shouldn't be here on this website, but I have spent a lot of time reading this forum and wanted to see if there is anyone here with a similar experience as mine. I can't burden my family anymore by talking to them about how depressed I am, they do not understand why it is so hard for me to just try and change my life. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, but I do appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.