Discussion Why do you choose life?

[dragonofenvy]

Today I was looking at science websites where you could purchase KN. I am but a few clicks away from having death delivered to by doorstep, yet I do not go through with it. I do not choose life out of any desire for fulfillment. I do not know why I choose it. I think many of us are living in the true horror of existence; not the fear of death, but the fear of both life and death. We are caught in our animalistic desire to survive one more day no matter how much it torments our humanity.

I wonder if I have become so accustomed to this prison that I no longer care for the passing of days. I wonder if I have suffered so much that I no longer can feel the pain. Nothing binds me to this world. No quest for fulfillment, no person that I love, nor any hobby that I take passion in. Suicide is my central philosophy, and yet I cling to life. It is irrational. I have never loved, and never will. I have never found purpose, and never will. I once had passion and ambition, but they've been stripped away. Why then, do I stay? Is it out of desperation? Fear? Instincts?

I think I stay due to every human's worst fear: the unknown. I know that life will continue to be misery, but what would death be?

What are your thoughts? Why do you stay? What hope do you cling to?

 

[alwayspissedoff]

because I am a loser who lives with his parents, and if I ordered it, they would know, as they are very observant of anything I do.
worst part is that SN is so easily available in my country, like someone from the UK would kill to be able to get it this easily.

 

[0x64]

Lack of accessibility to lesser painful methods, somewhat clinging onto the dream of a slightly better future and a fear of the next life being much worse.

 

[PsychedeliaSuicide]

I have a lot of willpower that is hard to snap out of, even when my situation completely tells me I need to kill myself. I also love life in many ways, culture and learning and nature, it's enough to try to convince me to stay at least until I can completely make up my mind. And of course, like you say, Survival Instinct...

 

[limenlux]

At this exact moment, I am absolutely certain that I am ready to CTB. However, I cannot disrespect the people who have agreed to let me stay with them for a few days (I am newly homeless) by hanging myself on their property. I lack the money for a hotel, and the mobility to wander off and find an isolated anchor point in the wild. I am currently brainstorming other potential solutions.

 

[_Gollum_]

I don't choose life. Life chooses me.

 

[Forveleth]

I am not purposefully staying alive but rather have no yet died. I do not make attempts until I feel "ready" to die so until that point, I am here existing. In other words, I am alive only because my brain has not yet said "time to go".

 

[never mind me]

Because my main reason for considering ctb is having trouble with my voice and throat pain that used to get worse when doing any kind of exercise. As these things seem to finally improve a bit I have hope that my health will eventually get back to normal. In this case I don't want to die. Even just being able to finally do sports again is enough for me to not feel the urge to ctb asap like I did for a few weeks. There are other issues bothering me like being in a relationship I'm not happy with and having doubts about my future, because I would like to move to another city, but it seems complicated, but I don't think any of it is a reason for me to ctb.

 

[grid zer0]

I feel like it's just not over yet. Yet...

 

[lastappleonearth]

Cus I'm scared of killing myself, well I'm scared of the pain I could feel during it or the possibility of sth going wrong. Idk, I wish there was a perfect and painless method for it, but there rlly isn't

 

[ravendrops]

I don't have access to a reliable method