Completely understand and feel the same. For me, I feel like I 'can't' end it while my Dad is still alive. Of course- I could- but for the time being, the guilt and worry I have over doing that to him outweighs my need- although it's getting harder and harder.
Honestly, it's just terrible. He wants to live as long as possible. He wakes up grateful to be alive. I wake up and HATE the fact that I'm still here. He said the other day- he might live another 10 years. Obviously- I want him to for him and I know I'm going to be devastated to loose him. Still- the selfish part of me thought- I don't know how I'm going to cope with another 10 years. (If he's right). It's monstrous to wish for anything else- I know. I'm just so sick of this life.