Why do I think this way.

[LunaRose]

I was recently listening to music while talking on call with an old friend and he doesn't know what happened with my gf who died so he started asking questions and I just remembered everything and then proceeded to tell myself I'm not enough for anyone and I should just die. I keep saying I'm not worth it anymore. Right now I'm wondering if I should even be alive. What's the point. All I felt these past days is sadness and rage that I have kept in for years towards someone. I keep thinking about going to him and fucking torturing him and making him beg for death. What the fuck is wrong with me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think there are plenty of people who suffer with self hatred here and it sounds like you have had to keep these feelings bottled up and hidden on your own. I guess it's understandable you feel anger at being proded to talk about something so painful.

As to the amount of anger though- I'm not sure. It's got to feel distressing though. Honestly, I think maybe that's something it might help you to talk to someone about. Not that I'm a huge fan of therapy but I think I probably would try and get help if I felt like I wanted to hurt other people- just in case I did! Plus, it's got to be awful to be feeling like that. I suppose suicidal thoughts can be experienced like that- intrusive- although- I've always found them to be something more rational than that- something I had the right to feel and do. Obviously, we don't have the right to randomly hurt others.

Has this guy wronged you? Have other people wronged you and you're focusing your anger on him?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your girl friend. I think it's natural to feel a whole range of emotions after something so distressing. I don't feel like there are exactly right and wrongs about how we feel. Obviously, there are on how we act on those feelings. Maybe it's simply that he stirred all that up for you though rather than anything personal towards him.

 

[Worndown]

They call it depression.
You are still in grief mode.