Venting Why do I only care about one person

[angelsrevolver]

I don't care about dying or living if it's for the sake of one person that's no longer in my life. I don't know what to do; I am ready to die as long as it's something that has to do with them. I don't think I can continue on like this; the pain is unbearable, and all people advise me on is stuff that ultimately doesn't matter to me. I have money, I have friends, and I have everything I can think of. All I want is to be around them. I have thought of somehow ruining their life before taking my own life. I don't mind the idea of blaming my death entirely on them. Despite all of that, I also don't want them to feel any pain from my side. I hate being such a vile person. If only I were capable of erasing my memory of them so they could possibly continue on living without having to be worried about somebody constantly harassing them.

 

[Jisatsu]

I get it. I've had those same thoughts where one person becomes the whole damn point of living, and losing them feels like the world got yanked out from under me. That mix of wanting to die because of them, wanting to blame them, wanting to hurt them, wanting to erase them from my brain… yeah. That's exactly how my head spirals too.

It doesn't mean you're evil. It really just sounds like bpd spiraling after losing a favorite person ...if you dont plan to ctb soon id really suggest you look into it with a psychiatrist. The thoughts get loud and extreme, even the ones you don't actually want to act on. I've had the same flashes about hurting them or myself and then immediately hating myself for even thinking it.

But acting on any of that won't fix the hole. It won't give you them back it usually makes it even more difficult. It won't make the pain stop. It'll just make the worst moment permanent.

You're not thinking clearly right now , but it will eventually pass if you let it.You're hurting. That's all this is hun.