Venting Why do I have to feel so guilty…

[WhiskeySolstice]

I feel like shit for burdening my loved ones. I feel terrible that I fail time and time again, and not even because of mistakes but just because of cowardice and idiocy from myself. And then I just hurt everyone, and one of my closest friends will inform me how much me "relapsing" on drinking w/o boundaries has made her sad, and that just makes me feel even worse. Like fuck, man. Talk about a good time to tell me how selfish and hurtful I am when you know what I'm going through… but again, I'm like, I do deserve it.
It's cruel of me, but sometimes I'll just agree with them about how selfish and stupid I've been, to hurt myself more. Because I hate myself, and I know I'm being cruel for using it to hurt myself further and justify my self-hatred but I'm too disgusting to do anything about it. My brain keeps replaying how everyone reacts. I keep shaking and crying and I feel so shitty. I genuinely think the most selfish thing I keep doing, is to keep reaching out to them. They tell me it would hurt them more if I actually died, but I'm not blind. I can see how terribly my fails are affecting everyone. They're scared to go to the bathroom to leave me alone. If I was gone, they wouldn't spend energy on me. It's only a matter of time… I feel like my life is destined to end at my own hands. Ahaha, I'm sounding so dramatic lol. Anyways!
If anyone's reading this, uh, sorry, and hi! Remember to hydrate, summer's hot and heat-nausea is no joke!

 

[Lexandro]

My heart goes out to you, your post made me tear up in work.

My life for the longest time has been torn by guilt. It was the main driving force that pushed me to consider ending it and all the hard years that followed.

I am still here. I'm still wrecked with guilt, i don't think that will never change, just taking each day as it comes good or bad.

Oddly enough, it's the thought of leaving them that keeps me here.

 

[sy46]

I perfectly understand how you feel... it's normal to feel like whatever you do is wrong, and it's normal that you still desperately seek help from them despite everything... it simply means that in your subconscious, a glimmer of hope remains, alongside all the desperation of your life, of course, I am nobody to tell you what to do...in any case, I understand how you feel...I mean, if I kill myself, they will be sad...if I don't kill myself, they will always have to worry about me, so whatever I do...the people who love me have to suffer...I simply believe that there are dilemmas without a real solution, we can never know which of the two is the best option...
I fully understand that you feel guilty, that you feel like a burden to others... but truly, if a person cares about you, no matter how much they will suffer because of you, they will always stay anyway...in my opinion, the pain your loved ones feel now is not comparable to what they would feel if you were no longer here, but I also understand that this life is truly terrible and it would be better to end it once and for all...I'm also really tired of everything, but I feel like an idiot and a coward, a bit like you... mhh I would probably say that in my case there would be no one who would suffer so much, but maybe it's just a selfish attempt to hide the fact that I want to do ctb at all costs, even if someone has to suffer because of me...
My advice is simply to try to move on... it also depends on you, if you have the necessary strength to be able to endure this oppressive existence, but I firmly believe that there is hope for you...so don't worry too much about being a burden, and think about getting help from someone if you feel the need, maybe from a specialist. I hope you are well, I send you a hug