Venting i don’t actually want to die

[passthisnote]

i hate feeling trapped like this. i wish that i could keep living forever and just stay in the same situation im currently in, but i know that is not possible. i just wish that i wouldn't have to age and deal with even more bs. i'm only going to ctb because that's impossible. i feel like living, just not in the future. i just looked back at some old childhood memories i had saved on my nintendo 3ds and it saddens me that with each passing month i'm straying further away from that. i don't want to work and do any of this bs, i just want to live happily and keep doing the things i love doing. even though i think that ctb is much more favorable than rotting away and getting beaten down by aging and life in the future, it still sucks that i have to resort to this. my time is running out and it's absolutely terrifying. i don't want to die. it makes me sad that i have to do this. i just want more time for myself that is impossible to have.

 

[Grasp of darkness]

I feel you on this one. I also had amazing enthusiasm for my games when I was a kid. Looking back on those time, it almost feels like pure bliss. However, now that I'm older it doesn't hit the same anymore. I installed my ps2 again a couple months ago, but stopped playing after about an hour because the magic was just gone.
I think for many people it's a painful process to start doing adult things and actually enjoying them (tbh I don't enjoy them much, but at least I don't get the feeling that I'm wasting my time).

As for work, I would advise you to trial-and-error your way through jobs until you find something you don't hate. I also dreaded working because I never enjoyed any jobs when doing them as a student. I've tried many dfferent jobs to get to my current one, and even though I don't love it, I don't hate it either and that goes a long way.

I would encourage you to try out these things though. Maybe there is something that you tolerate. Maybe there isn't, but in that case at least you tried. It would be a shame to leave this life, wondering if maybe it could have worked after all.

 

[Scythe]

Similar suituation here, I want to die when I'm happy, before shit hits the fan. Not really feeling like re-experiencing my lowest. I have so much I want to do, but realistically I'd be too depressed to do even if I decide not to die.

I just want to keep doing what I love, I don't want to adult. Call it Peter Pan syndrome or whatever, I'm not submitting to the rest of society. Not like I can't cook and take care of myself. I truly just don't want to live a life where I spend 8 hours slaving away for some rich dipshit.

I have worked before and honestly, it's just slow path of decline. I'd end up so exhausted that I'm driftimg through my days without even the energy to die.