Venting Why do I even try anymore?

[anxious_rain461]

I wish I could just give up already. I've tried to end it over 20 + times in my life but always just get stuck back here on this sh*tty planet living my sh*tty day to day. Everyone tells me "oh, it means God has a plan for you." Well, what the f*ck is it then? I've wasted everything depriving myself of the day to day happiness of life, numbing through alcohol, hard drugs, self medicating. The most peace I ever felt was when I OD'd on my Wellbutrin medication after quitting a hard binge of m*th. I felt like I died… my heart beat hard, I gasped for breath, and everything in my brain just turned numb. I felt nothing, there was just emptiness and peace. I want that back. I want to feel nothing forever and just be gone and not have to worry about trying to keep up with the rapid day to day life everyone else has. I already have liver and heart damage from all the suicide attempt OD's, the alcohol, the drugs, so it's only a matter of time until I go naturally anyway, but…why wait that long? Why do I keep allowing myself to be depressed and sad and suicidal every day. I hope posting here could someday give me the strength to just… leave. And be at mental peace. Cause it's just so… not worth it anymore.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Emotional inertia works to keep us all alive. It's always easier to stay on the course and just exist for one more day, and another, and another. This is despite any cerebral conclusions we may have come as to the worthwhileness of our lives.

 

[Circles]

I think we all naively believe that maybe just maybe if we wait it out more things could be different though in all likelihood there's no guarantee things will get better but it sure as hell is guaranteed to get worse.

 

[enough of this]

I wish I could just give up already. I've tried to end it over 20 + times in my life but always just get stuck back here on this sh*tty planet living my sh*tty day to day. Everyone tells me "oh, it means God has a plan for you." Well, what the f*ck is it then? I've wasted everything depriving myself of the day to day happiness of life, numbing through alcohol, hard drugs, self medicating. The most peace I ever felt was when I OD'd on my Wellbutrin medication after quitting a hard binge of m*th. I felt like I died… my heart beat hard, I gasped for breath, and everything in my brain just turned numb. I felt nothing, there was just emptiness and peace. I want that back. I want to feel nothing forever and just be gone and not have to worry about trying to keep up with the rapid day to day life everyone else has. I already have liver and heart damage from all the suicide attempt OD's, the alcohol, the drugs, so it's only a matter of time until I go naturally anyway, but…why wait that long? Why do I keep allowing myself to be depressed and sad and suicidal every day. I hope posting here could someday give me the strength to just… leave. And be at mental peace. Cause it's just so… not worth it anymore.