Venting Why didn't I matter

[alstroemeria55]

Why didn't I matter enough to stick around for? Why did I love enough to withstand abuse? Why did I love enough to still grieve never spending time with the same person again but I didn't matter enough not to abandon? Why can't I believe I will ever meet anyone who I will have as deep as a connection with and yet I was thrown away like I was nothing? Why this imbalance? Why am I in so much more pain than they seem to be? I'm so tired of the pain. It won't go away.

 

[ritahaddad]

Why didn't I matter enough to stick around for? Why did I love enough to withstand abuse? Why did I love enough to still grieve never spending time with the same person again but I didn't matter enough not to abandon? Why can't I believe I will ever meet anyone who I will have as deep as a connection with and yet I was thrown away like I was nothing? Why this imbalance? Why am I in so much more pain than they seem to be? I'm so tired of the pain. It won't go away.

if life was fair or balanced we wouldnt have this forum.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm no therapist but I'm guessing- because your needs were greater than theirs. I suspect many of us have had the experience of fearing we value/ love a person more than they love us. I assume you put up with abuse because your need for them was still stronger than the hurt they caused you.

It's really sad and, I don't know what the answer is really. I guess it's down to luck ultimately. We'll all make a number of relationships/ friendships in life- if we are in social situations. Even if some of them end up being close, there may still be inequalities in how much each person needs the other. Especially over time.

In my own experience, close friends began getting their emotional needs fulfilled by their partners. So- needing me less means they were more willing to let the friendship fade. As was I eventually. Seeing as our lives had changed directions and it was usually me doing all the travelling to see them.

Personally, my intense need for people started to diminish when I worked out how better to manage my own emotions. I believe limerence was a big problem for me. I used to lean heavily on friends regarding that. But- I got that under control. Work worries are still there but, less intense.

I've also had enough experiences now of people being unreliable. I don't think I could cope so well with no human contact but- from the start now- if I do happen to seemingly befriend someone- I try not to have expectations of them in my mind. I'll try to appreciate and enjoy what time they spend with me but it won't surprise me much now if/ when they disappear.

I don't know if you're mourning a friendship or relationship though. Relationships I have no experience with but a friend used to worry they loved their partner more than vice versa. I'm not sure they were right. They eventually married and are still together. Some people express themselves less than others. It can be hard to really know what something means to someone.

If they were abusive though- I don't know really. Seems like there were other things going on asides from just love.

 

[alstroemeria55]

I'm no therapist but I'm guessing- because your needs were greater than theirs. I suspect many of us have had the experience of fearing we value/ love a person more than they love us. I assume you put up with abuse because your need for them was still stronger than the hurt they caused you.

It's really sad and, I don't know what the answer is really. I guess it's down to luck ultimately. We'll all make a number of relationships/ friendships in life- if we are in social situations. Even if some of them end up being close, there may still be inequalities in how much each person needs the other. Especially over time.

In my own experience, close friends began getting their emotional needs fulfilled by their partners. So- needing me less means they were more willing to let the friendship fade. As was I eventually. Seeing as our lives had changed directions and it was usually me doing all the travelling to see them.

Personally, my intense need for people started to diminish when I worked out how better to manage my own emotions. I believe limerence was a big problem for me. I used to lean heavily on friends regarding that. But- I got that under control. Work worries are still there but, less intense.

I've also had enough experiences now of people being unreliable. I don't think I could cope so well with no human contact but- from the start now- if I do happen to seemingly befriend someone- I try not to have expectations of them in my mind. I'll try to appreciate and enjoy what time they spend with me but it won't surprise me much now if/ when they disappear.

I don't know if you're mourning a friendship or relationship though. Relationships I have no experience with but a friend used to worry they loved their partner more than vice versa. I'm not sure they were right. They eventually married and are still together. Some people express themselves less than others. It can be hard to really know what something means to someone.

If they were abusive though- I don't know really. Seems like there were other things going on asides from just love.

I don't care for most other people. It was the one person in my life who I actually cared about and felt comfortable with. And they expressed the same. Clearly they lied, so why say something you don't mean? I wouldn't say I love someone when I really don't and I'm prepared to drop them because it's convenient. Why is it so terrible to think of someone as important enough to keep in your life? Why is it limerence or being needy? When someone's partner dies it's legitimate to feel grief, but when you lose a friend it's not? I loved enough to put differences aside, anything they may have done to hurt me and still work it through, and yet I'm thrown away like garbage.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't care for most other people. It was the one person in my life who I actually cared about and felt comfortable with. And they expressed the same. Clearly they lied, so why say something you don't mean? I wouldn't say I love someone when I really don't and I'm prepared to drop them because it's convenient. Why is it so terrible to think of someone as important enough to keep in your life? Why is it limerence or being needy? When someone's partner dies it's legitimate to feel grief, but when you lose a friend it's not? I loved enough to put differences aside, anything they may have done to hurt me and still work it through, and yet I'm thrown away like garbage.

It's absolutely understandable you would be upset. I was refering to limerence with me. Not sure whether you sufer also. But- limerence is more of an obsessive crush than a friendship.

I really don't know though. Do you really think they weren't genuine at the start? I suppose some people lie to be manipulative. I suppose others do mean what they say initially but their needs change maybe. Of course- they shouldn't then just drop the person.

But no- I wasn't trying to belittle how you feel. I literally felt heart broken to an extent initially- because my best friend felt like my soul mate. More like family than a friend. I'm sorry you've experienced this.

 

[alstroemeria55]

It's absolutely understandable you would be upset. I was refering to limerence with me. Not sure whether you sufer also. But- limerence is more of an obsessive crush than a friendship.

I really don't know though. Do you really think they weren't genuine at the start? I suppose some people lie to be manipulative. I suppose others do mean what they say initially but their needs change maybe. Of course- they shouldn't then just drop the person.

But no- I wasn't trying to belittle how you feel. I literally felt heart broken to an extent initially- because my best friend felt like my soul mate. More like family than a friend. I'm sorry you've experienced this.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like you were belittling how I feel. These are just questions I'm so frustrated with because I just can't understand it. I had a friend for 7 years until I figured out they were just a bad influence for me to keep in my life - but I didn't just drop them out of nowhere, and before that I forgave them and gave them chances too. People claim to want real connection but they throw it away as soon as they find it.
Soul mate, family, I don't even have an adequate word to describe how deeply I felt, I would not have abandoned them for anything, and the pain of loss is even worse. It's been months and I'm still so confused and so hurt. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced similar.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like you were belittling how I feel. These are just questions I'm so frustrated with because I just can't understand it. I had a friend for 7 years until I figured out they were just a bad influence for me to keep in my life - but I didn't just drop them out of nowhere, and before that I forgave them and gave them chances too. People claim to want real connection but they throw it away as soon as they find it.
Soul mate, family, I don't even have an adequate word to describe how deeply I felt, I would not have abandoned them for anything, and the pain of loss is even worse. It's been months and I'm still so confused and so hurt. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced similar.

No need to apologise. I was worried I'd offended you. I can completely understand your bafflement though.

To be fair, with my friend, it became more of a withering away rather than a cut off. But, the point at which I felt like we were starting to drift really hit me.