Why didn't I die?

[Deleted member 23774]

I almost died March of 2019 of necrotizing factitious and I spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital. I had about 13 surgeries and I was literally at deaths door. I had a lot of blood transfusions, my kidneys were failing, and it just wasn't good. I just don't understand how I lived from it when there's other people who died from it.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. I feel like I'm a piece of shit and human garbage. I am working on becoming a better person, but I just feel like it is just too late for me. People don't like me and I feel utterly worthless.

I decided to wait until the 2nd week of January to ctb, but I'm feeling like it would just be better if I do it right now. It is so hard for me to be alive. I'm an outcast, a wallflower, a nuisance, and a waste of space. I don't feel like I should be breathing the same air as other people. I'm a burden to my family. I can't wait until the day comes when I can ctb.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I'm sorry you've gone through so much trauma with your body. Please don't feel like human garbage. Instead please feel welcome here to vent. We are here for you.

 

[Deleted member 23774]

I'm sorry you've gone through so much trauma with your body. Please don't feel like human garbage. Instead please feel welcome here to vent. We are here for you.

Thank you.

 

[newave3]

wow ...13 surgeries...u have been through a lot. Nobody is a piece of shit and everyone of us has made mistakes. Not too many people like me either and I don't give a Damn. I don't know how much physical pain u are in but I can see the mental pain. If u haven't already, seek some treatment for the mental pain before u decide to end it all. Best wishes.

 

[Ghost2211]

Necrotizing factitious is absolute hell. I'm sorry you endured that. It's wild how common that is in the environment, and most people don't even know it exists.

 

[Pookie]

Thinking that you're worthless is your depression talking. Usually people who are actual human garbage think the world of themselves, so I bet you're not a piece of shit. Everyone has made mistakes and done things they're not proud of, you're only human so don't beat yourself up over it. I know it's easier said than done though. I deal with a lot of self-hatred.

 

[NodusTollens]

I almost died March of 2019 of necrotizing factitious and I spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital. I had about 13 surgeries and I was literally at deaths door. I had a lot of blood transfusions, my kidneys were failing, and it just wasn't good. I just don't understand how I lived from it when there's other people who died from it.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. I feel like I'm a piece of shit and human garbage. I am working on becoming a better person, but I just feel like it is just too late for me. People don't like me and I feel utterly worthless.

I decided to wait until the 2nd week of January to ctb, but I'm feeling like it would just be better if I do it right now. It is so hard for me to be alive. I'm an outcast, a wallflower, a nuisance, and a waste of space. I don't feel like I should be breathing the same air as other people. I'm a burden to my family. I can't wait until the day comes when I can ctb.

Sorry you're feeling so low OP, with all that you have on your mind, it sounds overwhelming. What you said about surviving when others don't, made me think of survivor's guilt. I hope you're not having those feeling about surviving.
—hugs—

Sounds like you know what you want to do going forward, so I just want to say, I'm sorry you're suffering & I wish you the best.

 

[justanotherstar]

Sorry to hear your are suffering so much OP. Wishing you nothing but peace, whatever that beings. Many fellow travellers here have similar feelings about themselves, depression is a motherfucker, it lies to us all. I'm glad you posted here and hope you can continue to reach out amongst friends who understand

 

[Deleted member 23774]

wow ...13 surgeries...u have been through a lot. Nobody is a piece of shit and everyone of us has made mistakes. Not too many people like me either and I don't give a Damn. I don't know how much physical pain u are in but I can see the mental pain. If u haven't already, seek some treatment for the mental pain before u decide to end it all. Best wishes.

Thank you.

Thinking that you're worthless is your depression talking. Usually people who are actual human garbage think the world of themselves, so I bet you're not a piece of shit. Everyone has made mistakes and done things they're not proud of, you're only human so don't beat yourself up over it. I know it's easier said than done though. I deal with a lot of self-hatred.

Thank you.

Sorry you're feeling so low OP, with all that you have on your mind, it sounds overwhelming. What you said about surviving when others don't, made me think of survivor's guilt. I hope you're not having those feeling about surviving.
—hugs—

Sounds like you know what you want to do going forward, so I just want to say, I'm sorry you're suffering & I wish you the best.

Thank you