Venting I can't do this everything feels terrible

[PenPen<3]

I'm 18 and about to CTB in a week or so but everything leading up to it feels so agonizing. I keep seeing my friends as well as people online being happy and it feels like I'm behind. My therapist keeps telling me that my suicidal thoughts are a natural response to my environment and that I'll thrive if I can get out of the house I'm living in. I feel SO much like I'm going to ruin everything if I take my life, I feel like I could be loved and love myself and do the things that make me happy.

But at the same time, every single time I've tried has failed. I don't think I'm a good or interesting person, I don't think life matters enough. I'm pretty sure that when I see people being happy I'm idealizing their lives because reality is a bitch. I don't understand if people are actually happy. It feels like there's an itch inside my skin that wants me to take care of myself again and try to be happy. Part of my hopes that if I start trying to live again that I can feel love for myself and others. Though I know that's not always true.

I really don't know what to do anymore because I feel like I can't take being alive for even one more week, but there are a lot of signs saying I shouldn't CTB because I have potential to be happy. It's so awful to not know what to do. I actually got happy when my Mom was yelling at me a few days ago because I felt like it helped me decide that CTB was definitely what I wanted.

I have no idea what to do and I hate this so much, it almost makes me want to kill myself even if it's not the best choice for me, just so I don't have to deal with the stress of choosing.

 

[fleshpuppet]

If you're unsure, then it's probably a sign that you're not ready to CTB yet. Like your therapist said, try leaving that place, take care of yourself and reevaluate how you feel in a few months time. If nothing changes, then so be it, but at least you can say you tried.