Why did I protect him? I should have called the cops

[wantingdignity]

I used to think I had a decent self image and a healthy amount of self esteem. I'm realizing now that I really, really, fucking did not. When I was not in the mood for sex and went to shower instead, he punched multiple holes in the wall outside of where I was. I screamed after the first. Why did he not immediately stop?

I didn't tell anyone until weeks later. I convinced him to do couples counseling. My moment of badass revenge was making him pay for the first session. The therapist didn't take it seriously. When a violation of consent happened years later, I was also not taken seriously.

I don't know why, but my second instinct, after self protection, was to protect him. I was scared to leave the bathroom. I didn't want to leave and face him naked. Eventually I had to. I wish I called the cops then. I wish I told my friends or family. I wish I didn't just decide to pretend things were normal. I thought I needed to because I needed time to think. Who is capable of thinking when something like that happens?

 

[deadbeatpoet]

I protected him, too. It's okay. Some of us do. I don't think it's uncommon and we have really strange responses to trauma happening in real time sometimes, and it's more difficult to process when it comes from someone we are close to and/or care about. The emotions get all mixed up and cloud our judgment and thought processes. You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal processing <3

So sorry to hear you went through that.

 

[wantingdignity]

I protected him, too. It's okay. Some of us do. I don't think it's uncommon and we have really strange responses to trauma happening in real time sometimes, and it's more difficult to process when it comes from someone we are close to and/or care about. The emotions get all mixed up and cloud our judgment and thought processes. You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal processing <3

So sorry to hear you went through that.

Thank you

I'm sorry that you went through what you did too. I promise I'm not trying to beat myself up about it, even though it probably sounds like it. I keep ruminating about everything now that it's over. It might be in part that I want to be a victim now since I "wasn't" before; or I just want him to come back and make it better himself; or I don't want to stop being depressed. It doesn't feel fair that he just gets to live his life now. I have no proof of anything. I have to spend the time, money, and energy to grieve and to heal, but he can pretend and forget. I still miss him too. Honestly, my brain is a little broken.