Why can't I find the time to write my damn letters? Should I care?

[TydalWave]

I finally have my Meto. The last piece to this puzzle I have been waiting on. I didn't expect to make it this long. And yet with the extra weeks this all has taken, I still haven't written a single letter.

I've thought about it a lot.
And planned to write them almost every day for the last two weeks.
But things keep coming up.

I'm traveling for work, or meeting with people. And when I am finally free I am just so eternally tired and exhausted. More than usual, more than I should be. But its so tiring having to put up a smiling face every day and act normal. By the time I am done with my day, I can't find the energy to do it.

So where does that leave me?

I guess I have two options. I either wait til next weekend so I can write to the people I want to write to, and pack what I need to pack. OR I can leave now and just leave messy, the way it was. I cant say I fully understand why I am so attached to these things that I feel like I need to do before I die; but I know in my heart that they matter a whole lot. Like the way I choose to leave and what I leave them with, is what will ultimately resonate with them for the rest of their life. If suicide is a self-centered decision, I can atleast justify it more if I do more to make it easier on those who persist. And the truth is, in this life I care deeply about these people. I want them to know I cared about them and not think they were the reason I left.

I feel very strongly about this but am curious what others think?

 

[Rounded Agony]

I cant say I fully understand why I am so attached to these things that I feel like I need to do before I die; but I know in my heart that they matter a whole lot. Like the way I choose to leave and what I leave them with, is what will ultimately resonate with them for the rest of their life.

the truth is, in this life I care deeply about these people. I want them to know I cared about them and not think they were the reason I left.

I don't think you need anyone's opinions on this, mate - seems like you're more than subconsciously aware of the importance of these things. Listen closely to that inner voice.

PS. I've occasionally noticed your posts chronicling your journey to closure - will be sad to see you go.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

IMO it makes sense, you don't wanna leave no stone unturned, the attachments stems from this and maybe tieing up lose ends.
Am sorry you feel drained
Maybe you can right some on your travels even if on your phone to copy to paper later?? Ease some pressure for the weekend.

 

[TydalWave]

I don't think you need anyone's opinions on this, mate - seems like you're more than subconsciously aware of the importance of these things. Listen closely to that inner voice.

PS. I've occasionally noticed your posts chronicling your journey to closure - will be sad to see you go.

Thanks for saying that. I hate social media and am not normally the posting type. But it's giving me a sense of release pseudo-documenting my final moments.

IMO it makes sense, you don't wanna leave no stone unturned, the attachments stems from this and maybe tieing up lose ends.
Am sorry you feel drained
Maybe you can right some on your travels even if on your phone to copy to paper later?? Ease some pressure for the weekend.

Yeaah! I thought about this... I had a 6 hour plane trip today for example. My only concern is that the strangers next to me could see I am writing a fucking suicide letter lol. So i ditched that idea. But your right, i did have time here and there. I just am so exhausted.

 

[freedomcalls]

I wonder if the reason these letters are so hard to do is because they force us to acknowledge/ confront the pain we will create for the people we are writing to.

That's it for me anyway
Every time I try to write my letters (to my children) it forces me to confront that I don't think I can end my suffering if it means passing it to them.

I'm sorry if that isn't a helpful answer,

If you decide you have to go through with it, keeping it simple & not overthinking it is probably the only way "this isn't your fault, I'm sorry and I love you"

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm putting off my letters too. It seems to be a way of not having to face the decision: as long as the letters remain unwritten, you can't go.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I think all these preparations help us to prepare mentally and leave as least anxiety as possible.

I went in for a minor keyhole operation once but the thought did cross my mind that I might die during it (unlikely I know). I couldn't work out why this bothered me because I have had suicidal ideation for decades. I think it was because I don't have my shit in order. I need to write a new will, organise a house clearing service- it's too monstrous to tackle before I go, arrange a funeral and write notes. I feel like it will make me more at ease about the whole thing when those things are done.

I hope you can find time for the notes. I personally feel like they are the only way we have to try and express what was happening with us to those left behind. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do get that it can be difficult completing tasks when you feel so exhausted and have no energy for anything. Having to endure this existence can certainly be tiring. I do believe that it's a personal decision whether to write letters or not, nobody should have to force themselves to do it or feel like they have to, it's the kind of thing that the person should do only if it feels right for them. While I see it as being preferable to leave notes, to act as a form of closure for those left behind, nobody is obliged to leave an explanation to others.