Ok, let's try... Let's also try to make it short as possible. By the way, Iam german, so please bear with my english skills.
1. Iam not able to give birth. It would have been the only solution (I know that) to make my life worth living. I would be the best mother, Iam sure about that. Children love me and I love being with children and care about them. I could even forget about my own sorrows, if I was able to spent my life for someone, who is a part of me. Besides, Iam schoolteacher, well it's different than being a mother, I know you mothers out there, but still. Iam 100% sure about that. And it would change another issue following my scond reason:
2. Not sure how to explain it in english: I never aged psychologically since I were a teenager. Also often feeling like a child, trapped in an adult body. But , as I told you, Iam strong and I made up my life, driven by hope, I could change the mess, thats's surrounding me and my life. I studied in spite of all that shit, I became a teacher in spite of all that shit and was able to behave the way, society wanted me to behave. Its like a rollplay Iam doing day by day, hiding my true identity, the broken child struggeling with all that injustice in the world, and even the fate, I was emposed by nature.
That's why I hate getting older and older. Its getting worse the older I get and Iam trying everything to stop this process, yes, also by spending a loooot of money... "I should age in dignity". That's what my mother keeps telling me, but she never understand anything about my problems. Well, she always tried to help me I guess... Well there is more connecting to that:
3. I hate almost everything about myself, especially the way I look since I reached puberty. Iam spending all my money to change myself for so many years now and Iam not satisfied. no, it's getting worse and worse and I hate it to look into mirrors. Iam feeling like, Iam my own project, nothing natural about me any longer. My whole existence is a huge lie to myself and others and I cannot identify to what Iam now.
I always feel like, everybody is talking about me, laughing and being nasty about me, because Iam different. Different in the way I look, the way I behave... and no, its not that Iam acting like a freak or something like that. Its proven, that I have a very emotional intelligence and a huge sense of empathy. I know what kind of behaviour causes others reactions.
I can't identify with my appearence, Iam not even sure, who Iam. It's like there are so many facettes to which I'd like to give a specific face, appearence... No, Iam not schizzophrenic or having a multiple personality disorder. I'd like to be everything and nothing at the same time. But I also like to be just a normal person, so that I can go on in this meaningless life, belonging to all the others, but... well that's the next point.
4. ... Iam not like the others. I do often think about life, its meaning, the universe, do my problems really matter? As I see people walking down the street, talking about all of this nonsense... We are nothing compared to this whole universe! Why do I even think about all my problems when nothing really matters? Just to fit in this society which I depend on? All those stupid people.. like ants, puppets, getting dumber and dumber... believing all that crap, they're listening to in TV, politics, which are betraying, manipulating and lying to us, but nobody worries about that. I hate people for this naivity and I hate them for being able to be happy, because they don't understand anything. It's like I woke up from the matrix, but Iam all by myself. There's nobody I could talk to about such topics.
5. You know what? I had been - Iam serious - the most gentle, polite, helpful and kindest child and teen I have "experienced" in my life. Might sound silly, but I was like an angel, even looked like one, until others started to treat my really bad, even nature if you can say it like that. Went through nightmares, which I did not deserve and turned me into someone with bad thoughts... Life had always been very unpleasent to me. That's why I lost faith in god when I turned 14. Getting punished everytime although I had been such a good and wellhearted person. No, that was not fair and a god... wouldn't let something like that happen to me.
Well, that child is gone, it might live in the depths inside of me. But Iam so hateful now. I don't show it in school or something like that. Iam still able to play the role as a teacher and being polite to others. But its not coming from the heart. My heart is black and I hate all of them, always complaing about them, wishing I could just flick my fingers to let them feel real pain, not everybody, but most of them.
Iam jealous to death about other people who are happy with their lives. I even cancelled contact to all family members, because I couldn't stand it any longer, seeing how happy they are, things I will never experience by myself, expect for my mother, I never felt anything bad about her. She's the only person I really love and care about. I should be happy for my brother. He doesn't deserve it, that I rejected him, I know that... But I did so to protect myself and also him, because I didn't want him to feel the hatred. He's just someone who found his luck and I shouldn't destroy it, just because I never had luck.
6. Iam alone. No contact to my family... The reason why I canceled contact to my mother: Iam trying to help her to get over my death. Its 3 months now, since I saw and talked to her and she is very sad about that, trying to send me messages and so on. Its breaking my heart and I need her so much in this dark time I have... But it will be way more difficult, if I went back to her. She needs to get used to me not being there anymore. I wished I just could disappear without any trace, no corpse, nothing. I think it would be easier for everybody than knowing that there is a corpse.
I don't even have any friends. Everytime I thought I found somebody who I can rely on, he dropped me. Sometimes intended to, sometimes just by showing no interest anymore. Iam someone , you can rely on. In spite of my own sorrows, I had always been there for them and acted like someone, who is just a normal person, you can have a lot of fun with. I did so, because I didn't want to scare them or feel uncomfy. But still... seems that those contacts turned out to be superficial, easy to replace... well not for me. Its possible, that its a charisma thing and Iam not able to hide my feelings any longer. And who wants to spend his time with a wreck like me.
Iam also not able to be with a man, because Iam too concernd and busy with my own stuff. How can I love somebody else, if I can't even love myself? Besides... I had some bad experiences with men in my past. Its not easy to trust anymore, plus... Iam afraid to open my heart to someone, ending up with a broken heart again. To fall in love with somebody means also to feel a lot of pain. I just don't want to risk it again.
7. Iam creative and tried many things to gain attention and success. I modeled, wrote a novel, danced in a streetdance group, wrote a lot of lyrics and recorded them for my youtube Channel... but nothing turned out the way I wanted. Concerning how much effort I put into those things, iam really disappointed, that it didn't work out. For example: I wrote a novel for a videogamefranchise. I got it printed and contacted the company, they even introduced it in England and were impressed about the effort I putted it. I even recorded a trailer and all that stuff, but... shortafter, this company stopped developing games all the sudden. They turned their back to a huge fancommunity. I was so close... like everytime in my life. Almost reaching the goal, but falling right in front of it. When something like that happens everytime again and again... this is terribly depressing and demotivating. 3 years ago, I contacted a wellknown cosplayer and hired him to create a cosplay for me. It always had been a dream I wanted to get fulfilled. I paid 5000 € for it... oh yes guys, a lot of money, but it was worth it. Well, time went by and this cosplayer consoled me again and again. I knew it would be a huge project, so did he. He was sure about it getting it done the way we wanted it to be. But then... it took more than 6 months... and then another 6 months... year after year he was consoling me until this summer, when I told him, that I can't stand this bad game any longer... I followed him on facebook and saw, that he wasn't working on anything about this cosplay, but he kept assuring me, that it will be done. We wanted it to be finished for the gamescom convention and finally... he told me to wait there for me, but what he was showing me there, was a huge mess, a disaster. Nothing but the helmet was finished. He told me, that he couldn't handle the legs and arms, he even admitted, that this cosplay would be a challenge, to hard for him. Because of all the "effort" he putted into it, I only got the half of my money back. I could tell you about so much other examples, where I could smell success, but failed in the end. Even talent doesn't count after all as long you got luck and have connections.
I think there's more, but Iam tired now.
