why are you still here?

[scarredheart]

hopefully this doesn't come off wrong, but i'm genuinely wondering what's still keeping us going in life.
for me it's mainly the fear of hurting others / lack of resources to ctb.
So, as the title says, what's been keeping you on earth this far ?

 

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

For me personally, it's my mom
I never had a friend, a real dad or anything in life but my mom was always there and always has been there, I should have been dead last summer, I didn't talk about it to anyone.
I distanced myself more and more from my mother and one day I said I'm going for a walk and I hugged her as good bye, I was on my way when my mom texted me that she felt like that was a goodbye forever and that she's really worried
That was the moment where I realised that I can't go yet, I can't make my mom this sad, she wouldnt be able to ever recover from that so I try to get better so I won't ruin her life but it's pretty hard, nothing helps and I will only get medication for my depression if I go into a mental hospital but I was there once and It was hell
I'm still waiting because I can't do this to my mom, she cares about me day and night and she has always been there for me

 

[fatpigiee]

My beloved ones are in hard time and I don't want to make it harder

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Because some annoying voice in my head keeps telling me to not give up on life yet in spite of the intense desire to die.

 

[Rainork]

Because I'm a coward and my SI is stronger than me.
I've set a date in just under 2 weeks and will be trying a new method to hopefully take SI's power out of my actions, will it work? Time will tell.
The reason I've stayed for this long seems similar to many others, because my suffering seems irrelevant compared to the pain my actions will cause others, this reasoning has shifted recently for me though.

 

[krsm98]

mainly due to a mix of waiting for my method and also some sort of guilt for my friends and my dad, i dont want to hurt them with me dying or causing more unecessary harm so i dont want to do that
(and kind of cuz of my SI being very strong :/)

 

[vascomorrow]

hopefully this doesn't come off wrong, but i'm genuinely wondering what's still keeping us going in life.
for me it's mainly the fear of hurting others / lack of resources to ctb.
So, as the title says, what's been keeping you on earth this far ?

I want my life to have a meaning, that im not completely useless. At least Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams could say they accomplished something.

 

[FuneralCry]

I only continue to suffer in this terrible, dreadful and deeply undesirable existence as I exist in this horrific anti-suicide world where humans have made dying painlessly into a crime with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, there truly is so much evil in anti-suicide.

It's just so evil how they want to trap others in this existence of torturous suffering where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, I always suffer so much from existing in this horrific anti-suicide world where it's a crime wanting to never suffer ever again, there's just so much evil in existing with existing beings tortured in agony every second, I really will always see it as an abomination to exist, to me existence is just always the most terrible, dreadful mistake that just causes cruelty and suffering that should never had been imposed.

 

[darksouls]

afraid of afterlife

 

[lpdsvm]

I'm still here because I can sustain myself (it's worse now). It's not urgent for me. But there are so many factors that could make me CTB soon if that happens. (No passport renewals by a third world country - yes that shit hole is calling itself a country , visa BS, getting fired, sick, and/or getting mentally weaker).
It's obvious everything is against me. This is not the fight I can win for long, but I can CTB and simply end it on my own terms. What are the chances? It's ridiculous. Still breathing though. For now I am OK.

 

[itsgone2]

Afraid of the gun. It must be done though. Life is over.

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm trying my very best each second, minute and hour of every day. There will be a day when I finally had enough.Until that day comes, I will be here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Same as you. Worry about hurting a family member. I suspect fear of attempting may hold me back eventually.

 

[nunofyourbusiness]

There were things that made life slightly less miserable. I had enough savings to be financially independent, I was physically healthy at least (mentally speaking absolutely no. But I can stand mental anguish more than physical pain). I loved food too and I enjoyed eating out after a long walk. Now I lost my job, run out of savings, I have to live with people that make me miserable (I can't move elsewhere due to my financial situation), I was diagnosed with a chronic disease and put on a strict diet to manage the symptoms. I don't enjoy food anymore and I am constantly tired because I don't have enough nutrients in my body. But if I eat enough, I go through extreme inflammation. So now I am both physically and mentally unwell. And I have a medically justified eating disorder lmao. Everything has drastically changed for the worse, so now I am 100% at peace with the idea of dying. And I'll CTB as soon as I can.

 

[phoebusapollo]

I think firstly it's the stupid stupid horrible mean SI. Secondary are some people I don't want to disappoint/hurt. Thirdly I still have a glimpse of hope. Even if it's really just a faint light in the distance. A friend said: what if you miss the best part of life that's ahead? Sometimes I think about that. Even if it seems unlikely. All that being said. If I had N or a gun I would leave this earth immediately. I think the lack of really good methods/ their tools is a big part of why some can't defeat SI.

 

[somethingisntreal]

- my parents have been nice to me lately
- I dont have access to my preferred ctb method
- I'm a coward

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Kind of on autopilot atm, going through the daily motions with little feeling, keeping me alive I guess. Why? Holding onto a hope in a future, for someone to end this nightmare.

 

[liza]

I'm the only child of my mom and dad atm. So I feel like if I did it would destroy my mom and my mom and dad are already having a complicated relationship so they would probably separate if I was gone and my mom would feel lonely having no one to talk too.

They would probably sell the house and move back home to my native country if I did it but my mom tells me she's gonna follow me if I do it so idk

 

[bakenohana]

a game lol. I want to feel like I deserve to call myself a fan of my favourite character by ranking for their events before i die. maybe also a bit scared of how painful my method would be, but i can suck it up so it mainly just has to do with ranking

 

[brokensongs]

hopefully this doesn't come off wrong, but i'm genuinely wondering what's still keeping us going in life.
for me it's mainly the fear of hurting others / lack of resources to ctb.
So, as the title says, what's been keeping you on earth this far ?

I keep failing.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

Strong SI and my partner.

 

[ILikeSylveon]

I'm not much of coward, when i will have to do it, I will do it.
I don't even have family, friend or partner as an anchor holding me.
Though It feels im being held by this materialistic possession. I built myself a PC with rtx4090 with every last bit of my saved money two yrs ago and honestly that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet, the outside life for me keep getting worse. Nowadays I'm in this constant division, if i should sell my pc completely before doing it or not. If i sold it, I'll be feel more saddened or defeated from this life.

 

[kk13]

Im only alive cause of failed attempts.

 

[kitkatt]

My 3 cats and my roommate. It's hard thinking about them not knowing where I went even though I know they'd be taken care of. Then my roommate is one of the few people who understands me and I'm scared to burden her by leaving her to cover my portion of the bills :(

 

[3/4Dead]

Too close to my partner. The hard part is breaking up to ctb.

 

[yelir02]

hopefully this doesn't come off wrong, but i'm genuinely wondering what's still keeping us going in life.
for me it's mainly the fear of hurting others / lack of resources to ctb.
So, as the title says, what's been keeping you on earth this far ?

Me personally, it's a list of things.
-my family finding me
-the rest of the family finding out
-the first sheriff on scene
-the first paramedic on scene
-friends
-what if i start to feel different?
-"i'll do it next week" for the past five months
-lack of resources

 

[left0vers]

I can't for the love of me overcome the SI.

 

[ThunderBringer]

I honestly don't know. There are things that I should do, like getting my affairs sorted. But if I'm honest I don't really care about that. When I die I'm dead. I love my friends and girlfriend but their love is simply not enough to keep me here anymore. Yet I still wake up everyday and do it all over again. I think that's my insanity, choosing to live everyday in hopes that I might get better knowing I won't

 

[FoxSauce]

My sisters, my dad and ny freinds. I dont want them to feel guilty for my actions

Plus I dont wanna hurt them either.
I dont want to blame themselves on nothing that wasnt on them specifically.

The thought of them stumbling upon my corpse is something I dont want them to see.

There's countless of times I want to end my life even starting on notes but I cant and the fear of death is also holding me back.

I guess I try to live day by day on auto pilot disconnected from my feelings with distracions or keep busy with minimal things.

Hoping something gets better, which is somewhat wishful thinking.

 

[nitrogenous]

I really don't know. I was close to ending my life on Friday, I already started fasting as well per SN's protocol… but hours before I was meant to do it (I already had a clear time in mind), I couldn't stop crying thinking about how sad everything is, about how my life was going to end. A nurse in my GP's clinic ended up talking my way out of it at least for that day. But even after that, life still goes on, I still had to work and go to uni. Life truly sucks and I do fear myself as a ticking time bomb that's waiting to explode. Since last week, I've also been very physically ill, yet all my medical professionals just attribute them to "anxiety" or any of my mental health problems instead of addressing them. I'm laying in bed sick again right now, but have work in roughly an hour and a half… but who cares anyways right?

Perhaps a very small part of me still believes that there might be hope for the future, that perhaps I could one day life happily… but right now, that seems really fake and it gets more tiring day by day surviving purely out of me distracting myself from acting on my thoughts, with no clear solutions of my real life problems.