NSFW Why am i letting people have their way with me just to feel in control?

[SatinSoul]

Trigger Warning: CSA, Abuse, NSFW descriptions

This post and the questions within are primarily directed towards members who share similar experiences and histories.
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A note to potential creeps: Do not even think about trying to take advantage of me or this topic. This is a space for sharing experiences and healing, not your satisfaction. The only thing you will achieve by messaging me with ill intent is being reported and ignored.

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[daruino]

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[SatinSoul]

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[SatinSoul]

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[MephiticShadow]

I had a similar childhood and can relate also. Sorry

 

[kitkatt]

I relate heavily to you and the others here. I was raised to be not seen or heard growing up. My father was mentally and physically abusive and there was csa involved as well. My mother was also mentally and physically abusive and was my first friend and bully she also had a habit of leaving me in situations with adults that led to csa. They were both awful terrible people and I hate that they ever met. My father hated me because he saw my mother and my mother hated me because she saw him. They really set me up for life on the highest difficulty level. I struggle so much with being hyper sexual but even with all the work I've done it feels like there's no way out. I go back and forth between intensely wanting to try dating and wanting to be all alone. But also I do best in a relationship because I feel like I'm my own biggest gaslighter I guess I'm so traumatized and I try to resolve my internal feelings myself but then these feelings get confirmed through me finding something out or the relationship dissolves and I'm back to square one. Abandoned. I have went through phases of intense hyper sexuality because I also don't let people touch me only someone I'm hooking up with or a partner. I absolutely fawn and choose submissive behaviors because I shut down and I am trying so hard to unlearn this and I've gotten a bit more in control. However dating as I am feels absolutely like I have a target on my forehead that says take advantage of me.

As much as I hate that we are all feeling the ways that we do I am glad to be able to share these feelings and thoughts with others who understand