to be honest note will help with process it for a tiny bit for sure but some will carry this forever
When I think about leaving a note I'm always reminded of that famouse passage of Plato's
Phaedrus where Socrates states that a written text is always inferior to speech because it can not
answer the doubts of the reader (275d:
Δεινὸν γάρ που, ὦ Φαῖδρε, τοῦτʼ ἔχει γραφή, καὶ ὡς ἀληθῶς ὅμοιον ζωγραφίᾳ. Καὶ γὰρ τὰ ἐκείνης ἔκγονα ἕστηκε μὲν ὡς ζῶντα, ἐὰν δʼ ἀνέρῃ τι, σεμνῶς πάνυ σιγᾷ. Ταὐτὸν δὲ καὶ οἱ λόγοι· δόξαις μὲν ἂν ὥς τι φρονοῦντας αὐτοὺς λέγειν, ἐὰν δέ τι ἔρῃ τῶν λεγομένων βουλόμενος μαθεῖν, ἕν τι σημαίνει μόνον ταὐτὸν ἀεί; and in fact what philosopher hasn't dreamt of asking Plato to further explain the theories we read in his dialogues?). People who love me would want to know more, to ask me clarifications on my reasons, to try and convince me with their speech, and the words I've left behind would just taunt them with their stolid deficiency and torment them further. It wouldn't be enough to give them closure. That's why I think a silent, swift exit may actually be less cruel.
to be honest note will help with process it for a tiny bit for sure but some will carry this forever
but the least cruelest way is for you to life to be honest.
it sounds you are loved through. so no good parents want to come home from vacation and find their child dead.
it probally impact their will to go on holidays. is this a bit of guilt tripping? yes
why? because you need to own the consequences and impact you will give to your parents and possible friends and family.
don't walk away from this.
They've come back in town by now lol. And now I've thought it would actually be possible, and better, to do it while they're here, but in a situation where they can't catch and stop me (of course), and where it wouldn't be them finding my body after; preferably not at home in order not to taint it for them.
As for the rest (and I'm going to sound extremely entitled now), my affection for my loved ones, in particular my parents, my sister and my grandmother, along with what's left of my morality forcing me to consider the good of the people surrounding me, has always been a strong argument against suicide within my soul, and more recently, maybe, the strongest one. At face value, you could say that the feelings of the people left behind are of no concern to a dead person, since nothing can be of any corcern to them anymore. However, as long as I'm alive, I'm still bound to a moral like everyone else, and this moral prevents me from doing something which would bring so much pain to the people I love, or to any person really.
But a few months ago I grew impatient. I began to think that my parents are (after, arguably, me myself) the main culprits of the way I am now. I'm not guilting them of the fact of generating me because, apart from reproduction being a natural, animal behaviour of man, how can one be charged of something they supposedely commit towards someone who didn't exist yet, like I didn't when they conceived me? By the same logic I can't accuse them of transmitting me defective genes, or of deciding to have a child despite their personal deficiencies as individuals and as a couple. But I think they made several mistakes in raising me. To be clear I think they were decent parents, at face value, and what they did, they did not out of lack of love (for they've always loved me dearly, even eccessively), or of gross negligence, or of sheer stupidity, let alone out of animosity, but out of superficiality, sloth, self-absorption, lack of interest. It may sound stupid, but the first thing which seriously installed this thought in me was me considering my body, which I hate, while confronting it with others', and realizing if my parents had paid more attention to my pediatrician's observations (which I clearly remember to this day) about the unevenness of my legs, now I might not be disgusted by this deformity which disfigures my trunk every time I look in the mirror (sorry for the bit of body unpleasantness here). Forcing me into physical exercise wouldn't have hurt either. At the same time, genes notwithstanding, I don't feel they're completely exempt of criticism in relation to my personality development either. And really, my sister too, for different reasons, has grown up into an unsatisfactory woman (I feel so mean saying this because I love her), which is what confirms me in my judgment. Of course, you could say this things were on me, and I may agree to some extent, but if we want to be serious, an adult parent has got some degree of responsibility towards an infant child. On this note, it's true that a person's actions, according to me, are rarely (if ever) truly imputable to them, since we're all caught in a system of predetermined causality (in this case, it's not like they asked for their flaws), but if we are to enforce a moral of any kind, are we really required to go out of our way, to the point of renouncing our natural and basic right to decide about our own biological life, out of regard to people who, no matter their bond with us, have wronged us greatly? When I firstly conceived this line of thought, I was blinded by rage, and for a week or two I gave my parents the cold shoulder. Sure thing, this faded off in time, but the impression remains to this day.
Related to this impression is also the other impression that imagining my death as a life-ruining event for people around me might be somewhat exagerated. It will surely be a sad occurrence for many, a devasting one for some, but with the superficiality, survival instinct and coping skills that they should have I suspect they might soon move on and mostly forget about me. It's not like their entire lives revolve around me, after all. They've got other stuff and most importantly other people to live for (my parents have their daughter, my grandmother has other three grandchild, my sister has her studies and everything which revolves around them, with a brilliant carreer ahead of her). I also seem to have noticed my parents growing more distant recenlty, maybe because of fatigue with me, or because of me becoming colder myself. Add that, apart from the cost I represent for my family and society at large, if my family and friends truly love me they can't be possibly happy at seeing me struggling and sulking like I've been for so long, and I am now in particular. I am an emotional burden to them, and they will possibly be more serene when they won't have to interact with me anymore. It's like having an old relative struggling with a long and deabilitating chronic disease: you are certainly saddened by their death but can also be somewhat relieved, I've seen this happen before to perfectly good and reasonable people. And just like in those cases, they'll maybe say that I'm finally at peace now, and find consolation and even happiness in that (just to be clear, I don't think there is actually peace after death myself, as I've already written elsewhere on this forum). In fact, the faith some of them possess in Christianity could even lead them to believe I've gone to a better place.
Finally, my sense of moral has further degraded recently (to the point I've asked myself if I've outright become a psychopath lol). Moral is conventional, and I've been maintaining this for years, but I've also long thought that when a moral exists, no matter where it comes from, we're bound to follow it. But really, why is that, if it truly is conventional? Or rather, if morality is based in emotion, as I believe, why are the emotions which bring me to look out for my fellow human beings and my loved ones more valid than the vital, bodily emotions which push me towards death?
But in regard to this, I must recognise that all of this stuff is in part a rationalisation, sincere and well-thought as it might be, of the fact that I just want to do it. I can't imagine surviving like this much longer.
Troppo sono maturo alla morte, troppo mi pare assurdo e incredibile di dovere, cosí morto come sono spiritualmente, cosí conchiusa in me da ogni parte la favola della vita, durare ancora quaranta o cinquant'anni, quanti mi sono minacciati dalla natura (Leopardi, Operette morali 24). My time is simply due. (All of this screed is deeply personal and about me, and should be intended in relation to me only, I'm not offering hypothetical readers reasons to kill themselves or justifications for doing so).
For example if you live alone and you dont want your body to rot there you might want to notify somebody to come but you wont be able to do it before or while your trying to CTB because then the CTB plan might not work
If you don't it before nor during the deed, I seriously doubt you'll be able to do it after lol
But I'm probably misunderstanding something.
