I had this thought today. I feel less pain than usual. I have some free time and I have so many options what I can do with it. There is always this thought in my mind that it could be soon over with this. My mind is quite fragile, sometimes I am on the edge of a new mania or even a new psychosis. My life could be sooner over than I expect it when I usually wake up. Ironically I recently listen to David Foster Wallace a lot and read some stories of or about him. This is ironical because it is part of my obsession about suicide. And with my suicide I would stop me from experiencing further impressions of life. Either positive or negative events would stop. It takes you your opportunities.
Then I thought about what I shall experience now when my life could end soon. What do I want to have experienced during my life? Maybe it would help to have a good feeling at the end of my life when I can remember some of these things.
Usually I don't think that way. One of my biggest desires is wanting to have experienced real mutual love. Not in the sense of how you love your family. I mean the love betweeen two partners. Maybe I should write about something else because this topic can make me quite depressed.
I don't want to learn another language (though maybe improving my English and learning new German technical terms). I don't want to travel to foreign countries. On the other hand a trip to Japan could be quite cool. But I will never have the money for doing that. Maybe I could do it but I try to use my money more strategically. I had often the wish to have a newspaper subscription. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am pretty happy since I have it. Lol.
I want to educate myself before I am dying. I want to know some truths or at least trying to come closer to them. I want to find meaning in life. Some higher purpose why I have lived. Maybe trying to contribute to a higher good and helping others. I have experienced some lows but also some highs in my life due to my bipolar disorder. I have learned that sometimes not the extreme highs should be my goal. Sometimes it is better for me planning an average life. Accepting the daily routines and not doing something crazy. I think this is pretty important for my mental health.
I am glad and thankful that I can experience real friendship in my life. I have also experienced a lot of horrible things which I would have liked to avoid. So much unnecessary suffering. But I try to grow as a person from it. This is often pretty hard or even impossible. Sometimes I have the feeling I am just becoming more bitter and resentful. But I try to be more agnostic about my future. Depression can make you think as if your future would only be misery. I struggle with this a lot. But you can never predict the future.
What do you want to experience before your death? Do you have desires for something? Or have you already experienced something like that?
Maybe trying to achieve this desire can give you strength for recovery. Something which is worth fighting for. It could give your life new meaning. Trying to live to your full potential.
Then I thought about what I shall experience now when my life could end soon. What do I want to have experienced during my life? Maybe it would help to have a good feeling at the end of my life when I can remember some of these things.
Usually I don't think that way. One of my biggest desires is wanting to have experienced real mutual love. Not in the sense of how you love your family. I mean the love betweeen two partners. Maybe I should write about something else because this topic can make me quite depressed.
I don't want to learn another language (though maybe improving my English and learning new German technical terms). I don't want to travel to foreign countries. On the other hand a trip to Japan could be quite cool. But I will never have the money for doing that. Maybe I could do it but I try to use my money more strategically. I had often the wish to have a newspaper subscription. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am pretty happy since I have it. Lol.
I want to educate myself before I am dying. I want to know some truths or at least trying to come closer to them. I want to find meaning in life. Some higher purpose why I have lived. Maybe trying to contribute to a higher good and helping others. I have experienced some lows but also some highs in my life due to my bipolar disorder. I have learned that sometimes not the extreme highs should be my goal. Sometimes it is better for me planning an average life. Accepting the daily routines and not doing something crazy. I think this is pretty important for my mental health.
I am glad and thankful that I can experience real friendship in my life. I have also experienced a lot of horrible things which I would have liked to avoid. So much unnecessary suffering. But I try to grow as a person from it. This is often pretty hard or even impossible. Sometimes I have the feeling I am just becoming more bitter and resentful. But I try to be more agnostic about my future. Depression can make you think as if your future would only be misery. I struggle with this a lot. But you can never predict the future.
What do you want to experience before your death? Do you have desires for something? Or have you already experienced something like that?
Maybe trying to achieve this desire can give you strength for recovery. Something which is worth fighting for. It could give your life new meaning. Trying to live to your full potential.
Last edited:
