Venting Where to look

[august4you]

Hi, so I'm 19 and from Texas, US. I am the cliche gifted youth turned socially inept loser. My parents got divorced when I was young and ever since ive been living with my mom who likes to move abt once a year. Because of this I coped by just going through the motions and just being a good ol' npc. This worked until I gained sentience during my senior year of highschool. It's funny looking back to see how in my last year I was able to cram flunking and skipping classes, trying weed/ smoking, and finally dating girls. During this final year I realized that while in autopilot I made friends and ppl actually liked me. This was horrifying but I couldn't explain why. Now I lay here typing this onto a forum with strangers but I feel comfortable. I see death as the last action I'll ever make on this planet. I hope I never have to be born again. I at least hope that I'll find the silence I so desperately seek. The people I thought I loved see me as a failure and pity me. Why am I seen as less than. I workout, i don't eat too much, I read my books and complete my assignments. I have hobbies and I'm trying to make music. Why do my dreams make me less than you. Why don't you love me. I love you and you call me a bad person. You call me stupid. I've told you I need help and you think it's a joke. thank you. fuck your god and fuck you for having kids when you knew you couldn't take care of them. Monkey brain says please insert seed here. What the fuck is wrong with you. Why play god and create life when you know you can't even take care of yourself. I'm not contemplating ending it so you learn a lesson. I no longer wish to suffer. I am hungry and there is no food here on earth that can fill me. My soul hungers for release. I still love you mom because I don't know how to hate you.