Mixed feelings about committing

[melon-melancholy]

I already had a date in mind, but I feel unsure about going thru with it because so many things are unsettled for me yet. I'm not sure if my life will get any better if I do keep living. Since, I'm not even twenty yet I see the common sentiment that when your young things can get better but what if they don't and I keep being and feeling not normal. I also am afraid of messing up an attempt and ending up worst off or traumatizing who ever finds me. I also have some things I want to experience before I go but I'm not sure if I'll ever do them. My primary method is also not figured out yet. Does anyone else have similar feelings? How did not going thru with an attempt work out for you? Are you a similar age?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

What if they don't? Then you can CTB then. You will not lose the ability to CTB if you wait. You may as well do everything you can now to try to get things to turn in a better direction. Most people's lives are very unsettled at 20, and a few years from now, your life can be completely different.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I am 23 and I understand not being sure about ctb or not

yes, life can be volatile and change for the worse but it can change for the better too
I have unsettled things in my life that I would like to do first as well, like you, but I am of the mindset of putting my wellbeing before anything

if you are on the fence then I do not recommend going through with it
ultimately it is your life and your choice- you know what is best for you

 

[systemic_livestock]

I relate alot with this sentment I turn 20 in October, Its not like I dont want to be somthing its just it feels so out of reach espically because im just so tired its hard to do anything.

I get the feeling of, it wont get better and Im just wasting my time here suffering but don't you deserve to fail first. Shouldn't ctb be the final escape once your trapped and have no where to go. What I am doing and what everyone else has mentioned is dont go for the permanent choice yet, I know it takes just as much or even more courage to stay then leave but wouldn't it be better to leave with the feeling that this is the right path and you did all you could in life rather than die wondering what could have been if you stayed.

good luck

 

[DoomedDarkCircles]

I think you should give yourself a chance.

 

[melon-melancholy]

What if they don't? Then you can CTB then. You will not lose the ability to CTB if you wait. You may as well do everything you can now to try to get things to turn in a better direction. Most people's lives are very unsettled at 20, and a few years from now, your life can be completely different.

I understand that waiting is always an option but I'm worried that some of my efforts won't be enough. For example even though I'm still a teenager I feel like I'm distant to other teenagers. I joined college clubs my first year and now that I 'm going into my second year, I think I can tell that some of the friends I'm making are only acquaintances and they don't want to speak with me long term, especially since my school is a commuter school and many people still have their high school friends. I've always felt like I'm on the outside looking in.

I relate alot with this sentment I turn 20 in October, Its not like I dont want to be somthing its just it feels so out of reach espically because im just so tired its hard to do anything.

I get the feeling of, it wont get better and Im just wasting my time here suffering but don't you deserve to fail first. Shouldn't ctb be the final escape once your trapped and have no where to go. What I am doing and what everyone else has mentioned is dont go for the permanent choice yet, I know it takes just as much or even more courage to stay then leave but wouldn't it be better to leave with the feeling that this is the right path and you did all you could in life rather than die wondering what could have been if you stayed.

good luck

Thank you, for sharing your experiences and making me feel less alone. I want to stay mostly because I want to be there for my grandmother since were so close and she mostly raised me. I guess it may be childish but I still want to do some of the hobbies I enjoy, wear the clothes I never got a chance I got to wear, watch different shows and form close relationships.

I am 23 and I understand not being sure about ctb or not

yes, life can be volatile and change for the worse but it can change for the better too
I have unsettled things in my life that I would like to do first as well, like you, but I am of the mindset of putting my wellbeing before anything

if you are on the fence then I do not recommend going through with it
ultimately it is your life and your choice- you know what is best for you

Are you in recovery then, how are you moving forward?