Venting where it all went wrong.

[justafcknloser]

TW kidnapping, rape, suicidal ideation, abortion, etc.

in 2024, i was kidnapped. and the police didn't do anything. i was brought across states. and nobody cared. i lost all my friends and family. they didn't want to talk to me after that. i was too damaged. i was brought to a domestic violence shelter with my dog. she's all i had left. all i cared about. the whole reason i kept going so long. well i had severe PTSD and couldn't go outside for about 2 months. the shelter decided to become family only and kicked me to the curb. that's when i started couch surfing using craigslist. i had previously been homeless. and had been assaulted in shelters. so if it was going to happen i'd rather i feel more in control? whether that's a stupid sentiment or not. the guy was super abusive and obviously i did get assaulted. so i downloaded hinge. just to fill the void. him. he saved me. took me into his families home with open arms. he made me feel seen. loved. shortly after i got pregnant. keep in mind we were both 20. him and his mom made me feel heavily pressured into getting an abortion. which nobody cared about. nobody was affected but me. i knew he'd resent me if i kept it. i would've done anything for him. and i just kept ruining things. i cared too much. i was too clingy and annoying. too depressed and high maintenance. and when he didn't want to date anymore i was devastated. but i kept trying. after all i thought my life was on track yk? i got into transitional housing. i had a job. i got my ged. i had built my life up again. for the millionth time. but i did it. and then in october, my dog passed. and the people in the transitional housing wouldn't give me the body and kept it in the basement (i've heard from other residents that it is still there to this day). i asked to change rooms and speak to managers. i was disregarded. so i said fuck it. i had nothing left. my life felt destroyed. i went to texas where my sister said i could try to get on my feet with her. where i stayed for a while. i tried so hard to get a job but it wasn't a walkable city like here. nobody was really even hiring. then my sister got all psycho and started thinking i was after her boyfriend. i started frequenting train tracks a lot. multiple people had died from being hit in the same spots. but everytime i stood there and felt the wind i couldn't do it. i wish i did. i just felt bad for the gruesome scene people would have to come upon. and honestly the thought of getting decapitated by train is terrifying. so i reached out to a friend. he offered to let me crash at his place in california. so i went back. and he loves me. in a weird fucked up way. he's a pathological liar and very mentally unstable. and then his landlord and parents found out i was there. so i had to resort to craigslist couch surfing again. and i've just bounced all over with insane amounts of things happening to me. to be honest i don't even care anymore. i don't care what happens. what danger i put myself in. i walk late at nights. i do dumb shit. and i don't care. currently now im in a homeless shelter because i caved. and im just so tired. i wanted to die that day with my dog. i tried over dosing but i didnt know then like i do now that over the counter stuff like acetaminophen doesn't really work. i wish i could just get murdered. because clearly somehow i don't have the strength to do anything gruesome that would affect others. people on here keep suggesting the golden gate bridge but the prospects of the steel mesh net scare me. anyways i doubt someone is going to read all this. or reply. but regardless i wrote it anyways. good morning, good afternoon, and good night.