Discussion Where did it all go wrong?

[Adamsnolife]

I think really from 20 onwards. Was fairly successful at school. Went to college from 16 to 20 and from there it was stuffed up. Depression and failure at things don't mix

 

[TastySorrow]

I don't really remember any moment where I felt 100% great about myself that lasted more than a few days, even as a kid. Always been internally troubled and overthoughtful, so I think it's been a slow process rather than it going wrong at a certain point. But if it were to, I'd say it all started going downhill with my mental health at 18, when I had my first suicidal thoughts.

 

[NoIdeaAtAll]

We were just talking about this in chat.

Every time I see a photo of me as a kid, I remember how things were for me back then and I wonder where it went wrong in my life.

As a kid I was happy, smart, I had lots of friends, I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed being alive, things were good.

Now I'm chronically depressed, completely miserable, I can't even get through a single subject's uni work, I have no friends. I've had 3 past suicide attempts and been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I'm actively planning my death.

If you'd told 10 year old me that this is where I'd be at 24, there's no way I would've believed you. Everything seemed so bright back then, so hopeful. I thought by now I'd be worlds away from where I am.

And now I'm sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

If you graphed my happiness in life, the high point would've been something over 10 years ago. And I had no idea, but that was the happiest I'd ever be, from then on it was just downhill all the way.

Once mental illness sets in it never leaves.

Where did it all go wrong?

I was almost in the same situation as you. I didn't have friends as kid, always isolated and bullied though I still dont know why. I have also attempted 3 times but still here. I believe if you ask yourself the "why" question hard enough you'll find an answer, or at least find something make sense to use as an answer. But I agree with you "Once mental illness sets in it never leaves" :(

 

[Lordsudbury]

She called me the day before my birthday crying, telling me she didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore but didn't want to lose me. My narcissistic ego took control; I deleted her, ignored her pleas all weekend. By the next week I realized the damage I had done, and it all went downhill from there.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

i can pinpoint the actions i made in mid-2014 which caused my chronic pain, which fucked me for life. and every day i have to carry that burden, knowing that something i did six yrs ago has caused me irreversible damage which bothers me every second of my life. its so frustrating, life's such unforgiving BS.

 

[lost guy]

It went wrong for me when she left me after 11 years. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life but I hold it in and carry myself well to make it seem as if I'm ok. I look fine on the outside but I am terrified on the inside. My anxiety caused me to never ask her to marry me until it was too late.

I never abused her or cheated on her; yet, she has completely cut me out of her life, our home, and I'm not even allowed to see our pets. I lost it when I lost access to everything that brought me joy in life. I cannot get it back. Now I'm severely depressed.

Every time she tells me to "find new happiness" I feel another piece of me dying.

 

[Zzzzz]

I think doomed from the start. I think kids are happier because they don't have to worry about survival and bills. They get to spend almost every day hanging out with their friends. And they are living in the fantasy of their own minds. They don't know how horrible the world really is.

 

[Nicebuddimtim]

For me it was being diagnosed with diabetes when I was 9, I was a happy kid loved adventure and having fun I was active and smart. But that faded I quickly became really troubled from day 1 because I felt inadequate and nowadays I don't do anything just counting the days. It's hard to see yourself become so miserable when I know without it I would be genuinely happy I'd be free.

 

[Doormat]

We were just talking about this in chat.

Every time I see a photo of me as a kid, I remember how things were for me back then and I wonder where it went wrong in my life.

As a kid I was happy, smart, I had lots of friends, I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed being alive, things were good.

Now I'm chronically depressed, completely miserable, I can't even get through a single subject's uni work, I have no friends. I've had 3 past suicide attempts and been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I'm actively planning my death.

If you'd told 10 year old me that this is where I'd be at 24, there's no way I would've believed you. Everything seemed so bright back then, so hopeful. I thought by now I'd be worlds away from where I am.

And now I'm sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

If you graphed my happiness in life, the high point would've been something over 10 years ago. And I had no idea, but that was the happiest I'd ever be, from then on it was just downhill all the way.

Once mental illness sets in it never leaves.

Where did it all go wrong?

This is a question I have asked myself so many times. I threw away all my photographs of me as a kid because I couldn't bear to look at that happy child and feel that I let her down. There is a street urchin character in Muppet Christmas Carol who says "If I could live my life again, I wouldn't". I think that applies to so many people on here and that is heart breaking.

 

[lostangel]

I think it was over before it started. Just never had a chance. It was always meant to be.

 

[NightmareTour]

I honestly think it was doomed from the start for me. My mum was always going to take her own issues out on me.

Losing my health and independence at 13 was just the icing on the cake, I guess.

Life is fucked up like that :)

 

[Disappointered]

I have bad memories from very early on. I found out later in life that my mother rejected me as a baby and I actually spent the first six months of my life with my grandmother. That might have been a major factor. But really, my biological parents should never have been allowed to breed, especially with each other.

 

[antigone_iris]

We were just talking about this in chat.

Every time I see a photo of me as a kid, I remember how things were for me back then and I wonder where it went wrong in my life.

As a kid I was happy, smart, I had lots of friends, I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed being alive, things were good.

Now I'm chronically depressed, completely miserable, I can't even get through a single subject's uni work, I have no friends. I've had 3 past suicide attempts and been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I'm actively planning my death.

If you'd told 10 year old me that this is where I'd be at 24, there's no way I would've believed you. Everything seemed so bright back then, so hopeful. I thought by now I'd be worlds away from where I am.

And now I'm sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

If you graphed my happiness in life, the high point would've been something over 10 years ago. And I had no idea, but that was the happiest I'd ever be, from then on it was just downhill all the way.

Once mental illness sets in it never leaves.

Where did it all go wrong?

I can relate so much

 

[woxihuanni]

When the Abomination crawled out of her mother's cunt on dec 3, 1977, my life was over before it began.

 

[Rn110bg101]

Telling my friend about my suicidal thoughts.

 

[Silvermorning]

Birth.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Highschool.

 

[dysfunctional]

I can isolate probably half a dozen critical mistakes that ended me up here. All having to do with drugs, jobs, and relationships.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

For me it went downhill from the age of 12. I wish I had the courage to kill myself at that age, it would have spared me years of suffering.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

when I was born. My little brother was born 3 weeks before I turned 2. I remember my dad beating our dog to death in the bathroom. He peed on the floor, my mom was pregnant and slipped in it. I remember hearing that dog screaming and yelping. Thats my earliest memory than the rest is a blank until about 8 or so. Life as a child- lets see.. we got scared when the clock hit 5 because my dad was coming home. We never knew what kind of mood he would be in. Usually dinner would be on the table as soon as he walked in the door- his rules my dinner better be on the table. I would be so scared I would do something wrong I would spill my drink. The result would be him screaming like a crazy man I'd watch as his face turned blue and purple than the veins popping out in rage. Petrified to move, smacked around and sent to bed. I'd hide under my blankets wishing I could leave my body because I heard him beating my mother. I'd go to elementary school and be teased. The girls were all about being girly and I wanted to catch frogs, salamanders, snakes any critter I could and talk to it. I wasn't girly. At home my stuffed animals were my friends so outside at recess it was whatever critter I found if even a caterpillar. So I was teased for it. It got pretty bad, where I would walk down the hallway at school people would spread apart and pretend to spray me with " corroded spray".

thats just a tiny piece of it all

 

[color_me_gone]

I remember my dad beating our dog to death in the bathroom. He peed on the floor, my mom was pregnant and slipped in it. I remember hearing that dog screaming and yelping.

Holy shit!

 

[Silenos]

When I was 2 years old my mother got mad about me accidentally kicking over a cup which was on the floor for some reason. She threw the cup at my face so hard I had blood all over my face. I didn't realise I was bleeding until my father took me to the bathroom where I saw myself in the mirror.

That was the day my mother revealed herself to be a monster with anger issues and little self-control. I suffered her abuse till I was 17.

 

[fearmenot]

I feel like I've always been wrong, and I don't know why either cz I genuinely try to be a good person

 

[AbsoluteNothingness]

There's nothing "wrong"/"bad" with/about anything, any 'aspect' of 'my life' nor anything in general. Nothing has never went "wrong", nothing "bad" happens and has never happened. I'm not "suffering" in any way about anything and Im not in any pain in any way about anything. I literally basically simply just don't want to live/experience/do 'life' (nor any other 'thing' whatever/however it is, don't ask for 'reasons' because there aren't any) and I simply just don't care about not only 'life' in general (not referring to any way/kind/type of life in specific/particular nor refferring to any "life standard"/"designed life" or whatever that is.) but anything/everything whatever/however it is in general. I just don't. End of the story. That's it. And I dont see any problem with that.
And no please don't say shit like "aH iTs bEcAuSe oF a ChEmIcAl ImBalAncE iN yOuR bRaIn" because it's not that, 'my brain' {or whatever the fuck a 'brain' is, couldn't care any less) is 'fine'/'functional'/'healthy' and I don't give not even a single shit lmao. I don't want it to be "useful" nor "functional" nor "healthy" nor "smart" nor any other ""positive"" way/type of 'brain'. (as if I gave a shit if I have a 'brain'/'mind' and how the fuck a thing called 'brain'/'mind' is, in the first place lol I don't want to have any 'brain'/'mind' nor any other thing, and don't assume that I say this "bEcAuSe hAviNg a BrAiN 'cAuSEs mE sUfFeRiNg, pAiN aNd ExHaUsTiOn aNd mAkEs mE 'fEeL' 'tRaPpEd'" nor any other thing like thst because it's not because of that, it's not because of any reason in general. It doesn't cause me any "suffering"/"pain" and if it did I wouldn't give a shit lol it's not like I would care or be "worried"/"affected" about it or something. I just don't care about anything and never had cared and never will and don't want to care about anything and I don't understand what's so "wrong" about that.)

I could be "happy" if I actually wanted to / if I was 'someone' who cares about 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' and 'things' in general whatever it is, no one and nothing is 'preventing' me to be happy or whatever the fuck 'happy' means. It's all the opposite, 'my parents'/'my family' want to see me 'happy' and want all 'the best' for me and all that but I just don't give a shit, I don't want to be 'happy' nor any other way/thing at all. I have no choice but pretend I want to and act "normal" and all that crap because if I didn't they'd immediately suspect and assume that Im "depressed" or whatever other thing like that and take me to a psychiatrist/psychologist and NO please, NO. The question again is why the f_ck do "I" have to/have to want to? And you'll say: "weLl iT mIghT bE tHaT yOuVe KePt TrYiNg tO bE hApPy bUt yOu cAnt sO yOu gAvE uP", um, no? It's not that nor any other thing/reason, please don't assume anything. I won't write much more (I don't want to write nor think nor say nor speak nor do nor listen to nor see nor learn nor know nor feel nor experience etc ANYTHING, NEVER AT ALL, just don't and never will, but well, again to not be suspicious at all about anything in any way at all, I have to, all the 'basics' especially) I don't want to be "happy" nor any other way, it's not that "i wAnT tO bE hApPy bUt i dOnT dEsErVe iT" nor any other thing like that, i don't care if I "deserve" it or "not deserve" it lol I just don't f_cking want to and I don't understand why do I have to.)

I don't have any 'disabilities'/'illnesses'/'mental illnesses'/'problems'/'issues' nor literally any other "bad" thing and I don't give a shit. I don't want to be inside any human body or whatever a 'human body' is, nor inside any other thing in general. I just dont want to exist at all, and I don't say it "bEcAuSe i wAnT tO eScApE tHe pAiN" "becAuSE iM tIreD oF sUfFeRiNg" nor any other thing/reason. There's no 'pain', no 'suffering' at all in 'my life', its all 'normal' and 'good' and I just don't care. I'm not in any "bad"/"sad"/"painful" 'situation' either and I just don't care neither. And I don't give a shit about "meanigfulness" or whatever that means, I don't want anything to be "meaningful" nor "useful" nor "worthful"/"worthwhile" nor any other ""positive"" way. I don't want 'my life' nor literally any other thing to have a "meaning", the question is why do 'I' have to for fuck's sake. Why can't I just not want nor give a shit about nor have any "desire", any "interest" (and don't want to have it lol I just dont no matter what/how things are) about literally anything?
I 'have it all', 'good health', 'good'/'great'/'supportive'/'loving' parents, 'good'/'great' 'life' and I just don't give a shit. There's nothing that I "want"/"like"/"care about"/"have 'interest' for"/"desire"/"wish"/"want to do" etc, the question is why do 'I' have to? I couldn't care any less about anything lol I just literally don't want/don't give a shit/don't have any "interest" {AND don't want to have to, the question is why the fuck do "I" have to have to and want to, why can't I literally just not want anything without it being bEcAuSe oF a ReAsOn/bEcAuSe oF 'dEpReSsiOn'/bEcAuSe oF mEnTaL iLlnEsSeS/'bEcAusE oF 'bAd lIfE'/bEcAuSe oF cHeMicAl iMbAlAnCeS iN tHe bRaIn' (as if I gave a shit if there "imbalances" in a thing called "brain" or whatever, lol) or whatever/any other 'reason'? Why isn't it possible to LITERALLY just not want to and just simply not give a shit without having any fucking 'reasons'? this is all so frustrating. That I have no choice but pretend that Im "interested" in 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' and things in general uNleSs iTs 'bAd' and that I want to be part of/participate/'live'/'do'/'experience' 'life'

I have a 'perfect'/'good'/'great' life" and I've never been bullied nor abused nor any other "bad" thing and I couldn't care any less. I simply just don't care about 'life'/'human life' in general however it is/whatever way it is etc nor 'the world'/'planet earth' in general (not referring to a 'certain'/'specific'/' nor any other single thing in general and I've never seen any "problem" with that and never will. But well, to not be suspicious and taken to a psychiatrist/psychologist because the "normal thing" is to want/to want to want to live/do/experience 'life', to care about/be 'interested'/'like' and want to 'care about'/'be interested in'/'like'/'want' things/'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' and blah blah, whatever, and if I don't "iTs bEcAusE iM 'dEpReSsEd' oR sOmEtHiNg 'bAd' hApPeNs tO 'mE'" or for whatever other 'reason' so to not have anyone assume that I have "depression" and or that something "bad" is happening to me and be UNNECESSARILY taken to a psychiatrist/psychologist and UNNECESSARILY force me to take meds and attend 'psychotherapy' and all that fuckign garbage that I neither want nor need (there's nothing that has to be "fixed"/"resolved"/"recovered"/"improved"/"changed" nor any other thing. My life isn't "bad" at all and I dont give a shit but well I have no choice but act "normal", as if I were "someone who wants to/wants to want to live/do/experience 'life' and is interested in/wants to be interested in 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' and things whatever it is in general and wants "good things" to happen in 'her' 'life' and blah blah blah", basically what everyone/'people' in general want, to not be suspicious. No one will ever understand/believe that it's possible to literally simply just not want to be part of not only 'life' (I have nothing against 'life'/'human life' nor 'the world'/'planet earth' nor any other thing, I don't "hate" anything nor anyone, I don't think that something is "bad" or whatever, I just don't care. I don't give a shit about "bad" and "good, "positive" and "negative", "boring" and "interesting"/"exciting"/"entertaining", "meaningful" and "meaningless", "useful" and "useless" nor literally any other thing. I don't care about any thing nor any 'word'.) but absolutely anything in general at all. I don't understand why the f_ck do I have to just because "I" was 'created', 'made' to 'be'/'exist'/'become', because "I" 'am' 'something'/'someone', a 'person'/'human'/'life form'/'living being' or whatever the fuck that is, what if I simply literally just don't want to be anything nor anyone. I don't want to be any 'something', any 'someone', I just don't. It's not "because of suffering that's why I don't", no, again, there's no pain nor suffering nor misery nor any problems/difficulties/hardships/issues, whatever that means, in 'my life' and have never been, 'my parents' want me to be 'happy' (I put the words between ' because I simply just couldn't care less. And no, Im not "self hatred", I don't "hate" myself nor any other shit like that, in case you assume that. Not giving a shit about happiness/life/the world/planet Earth, whatever, anything in general, doesn't mean that it's "because I 'hate' myself and I 'dont deserve it'" nor any other thing like that lol. I don't want anything "good", I just dont and that's it, Ill never understand why do 'I' have to want 'something' in general, whatever it is, seriously, I just can't comprehend why is existence and wanting to be part of it an obligation and if I don't want it "its because of a reason" "it's because you're suffering that's why uou don't want existence, because existence and life are about pain and suffering and you don't want to suffer anymore", no for fucks sake. I don't give a shit if its about "pain", "suffering" or whatever other thing or whatever other way etc, it's not like I'm gonna be "worried", "concerned" or whatever. why it has to be because of a reason? Why can't I just l literally not want and that's it, no matter how the fuck whatever thing is? It's not that "im 'suffering'and that's because I don't want to live/experience/do life nor existence and that's why I don't care about 'the world'/'planet earth' nor anything in general" no, Im not suffering at all literally nothing "bad" has ever happened/is happening to 'me' and so what? I don't care. I don't want nor need nor care about nor Im "interested" about anything. Well ill stop because anyways this wont be understood/believed by anyone (and i don't give a f_ck if it's not lol, but it's true that all of you will make your assumptions and i shouldn't have written this because apparently it's not possible to permanently WITHTOUT IT BEING BECAUSR OF A DAMN FCKING REASON just simply not want/not give a shit about anything and there are gonna be many typical assumptions but well lol) and it's already too long

 

[color_me_gone]

Wow! that was hard to read!

 

[Kat!]

Genetics, childhood. That's where most mental illnesses occur. Or all, at least I would imagine.

Literally one small mistake while raising your kid can make that child screwed up. That's why I'm not having a kid, at all.

 

[greebo6]

As a little kid I was normal and happy. But I must of somehow been not quite right from the beginning because that's really the only time I remember being completely happy and 'normal'. On through childhood and looking back it was a little bit hit and miss in terms of mental health. But there were signs of what was to come. But it really became bad in adolescence and has just stayed and got worse and worse ever since.
I can honestly say I can't remember what being happy feels like as an adult.

 

[catscradle]

 

[muffin222]

It went wrong at age 6 when the abuse escalated and my young mind and personality fragmented into a million pieces that I'm still struggling to piece back together into one whole

 

[itachi of death]

When I look at old pics just makes me think I was never happy,everything was shit since day one,the only person that made me happy died a brutal death after being mutilated 4 times,it doesn't matter who you are or what you want,life does what it want to who it wants for no reason whatsoever