Discussion Where did it all go wrong?

[Apathy's Girl]

I was sexually abused/assaulted between the ages of 3 to 11. You think I'd be over that by now being that I'm 49 years old but it really tainted my whole life. I was always quiet and timid and constantly scared growing up. I'm sure my mom knew it was going on, it was happening to my older sister, too. I used to blame my mom but I dont any more. She was physically abused and had two children by a heroin addict (yes my dad was a heroin adict).

For the longest time I thought I was going crazy but was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If it wasn't for my meds I would be dead already. I still have manic and more often than not, depressed periods. I live for hypomania which doesn't happy too often. I suffer from paranoid delusions which make me want to die but meds help.

I think about suicide all the time. No matter what my mood or what is happening in my life good or bad, suicide thoughts are always there. I love planning. I love pushing thing to the edge and almost dying (at least seeing how far I can go, if I die I die, if I live I live). I like knowing there is a way out.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I don't know exactly.
My family was settled. There was no abuse. No fighting. No divorce. I did ok at school, well even. I went to university. I have a professional post grad qualification. I have a husband and a house and two healthy children. It should be enough. It should be more than enough.

I was diagnosed diabetic aged 11, developed an eating disorder linked to it and never really got back on track. That's all I can think. My parents were distraught and I spent the rest of my life worrying about not worrying them any more. My mom said she wouldn't have hadn't me if she'd known I'd develop t1. I feel I've been a burden and I continue to be a burden. I don't have a career, I did, but I gave it up after my second dc because it was too much and my husband never helped with the children.
I'm also gay and refused to acknowledge it because of the shame and embarrassment it would have caused to my parents. It's too late now. Now I'm trapped.
The only way out I can see is to not be here anymore. That seems the best way and the least harmful way to everyone else. I rarely think about what I want, I know what I want actually in this instance, but it doesn't matter. I hate my life, despite all the above positives and all the opportunities in the world I am a failure. I am not meant to be here. I ruin everything I touch. I just want to make sure I do it properly, I do not want to survive. I do not want to be disabled and a further burden. I just want to be dead.

 

[Superdeterminist]

The big bang.

 

[ready 2 go]

This is a question I have asked myself so many times. I threw away all my photographs of me as a kid because I couldn't bear to look at that happy child and feel that I let her down. There is a street urchin character in Muppet Christmas Carol who says "If I could live my life again, I wouldn't". I think that applies to so many people on here and that is heart breaking.

I also threw all the photos of my childhood away. I couldn't stand to look at her. That happy go-lucky person died along time ago. I felt so bad for letting her down. My life is worthless now

 

[Deleted member 17949]

think it went wrong for me at like 11 or 12. That's when I really should have been getting help for mental issues and just didn't so they've gotten worse and fucked me up

 

[Marchioness]

I grew up in a religious cult until I got away, my parents had problems in their youth (yay generational trauma) and never looked to ger any help. Yes, I know our lives don't have to be determined by our circumstances, yadda yadda but all that negative stimuli as a kid/teen still haunts me even after years of therapy, meds, etc. Big fat raspberry :p my life is pretty dope, my brain just doesn't want to agree with that observations though.

 

[Gamja]

When I said too much.

I'm not waiting for the miracle anymore. A miracle would be a message from that person-- it can be anything. I just want things to go the way they were before.