When’s the last time you felt good? But like really good, not just ok

[venin]

The last time I saw my therapist (I just started, with her, I mean) she asked me: when was the last time you felt good? But like awesome, not just ok or not bad or something.

So, when's the last time you felt like that? Or, did you ever feel that way?

I honestly didn't

I came pretty close in some years. But my life in general was plagued by dysthymia, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety + an almost permanent cutting feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy.

That's what makes me wanna CTB mainly. Not saying major depression isn't horrible. But it's the chronicity of things that make it unbearable in the present.

What was your experience? How did you get to wish for CTB?

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Probably when I was out there skating. But not the last time I was skating cause the last time skating wasn't really that good tbh

 

[アホペンギン]

I think the last time that i genuinely felt great was afaik a few weeks ago. (Found out about some very good SN sources, thats why i felt good…)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't really remember when I really felt good the last time, that must have been several years ago already.

 

[befree]

In the 1990th.

 

[Cepi]

8 years ago for me. That was 2015, when life was simple. I was in high school before I dropped out due to social anxiety. I had no clue life could be this hard and so dark.

In the 1990th.

Dam, how could do you keep going?

 

[StolenLife]

Sometime before I turned 12.

 

[venin]

Sometime before I turned 12.

Phuck… and how old are you now if I may ask?

 

[StolenLife]

Phuck… and how old are you now if I may ask?

I'm 23 now. There was lots of sadness and I'm too exhausted.

 

[venin]

I'm 23 now. There was lots of sadness and I'm too exhausted.

I hear you. For me it's been 9 years since it's been hell almost every day…
The exhaustion and treatment failure is excruciating after a while.

 

[irie]

it's genuinely hard to remember. there was a brief time period in july of last year where some good things happened to me and i was pretty happy about it, but things all went back downhill soon after

 

[020x]

2013-2018 and 2022.

 

[venin]

2013-2018 and 2022.

That's great, honestly. Wish it were that way for me

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

For me it's kinda weird.
A few years of my childhood were nice I guess.

Last year was really bizarre tho. I've had exactly one week in which I felt normal. For the first time since childhood I could feel genuine joy.

And I remember how I cried in disbelief, because feelings like this had been long forgotten and never felt again. Even the damn colors looked brighter.
It's when I realized that all these years, there has been a heavy and dark veil on my mind. But it was lifted.

The issue is, I really don't know why this happened. I remember desperately trying to find out what was different and what allowed me to feel this way for this very short period of time. But I couldn't find any cause, the veil was just off. Or the sickness slept idk.

In hindsight it was cruel.
A week later I felt numb again and a month later I broke down completely. It's better if feelings like this remain forgotten, because it's torturous if they're taken away from you again.

 

[venin]

For me it's kinda weird.
A few years of my childhood were nice I guess.

Last year was really bizarre tho. I've had exactly one week in which I felt normal. For the first time since childhood I could feel genuine joy.

And I remember how I cried in disbelief, because feelings like this had been long forgotten and never felt again. Even the damn colors looked brighter.
It's when I realized that all these years, there has been a heavy and dark veil on my mind. But it was lifted.

The issue is, I really don't know why this happened. I remember desperately trying to find out what was different and what allowed me to feel this way for this very short period of time. But I couldn't find any cause, the veil was just off. Or the sickness slept idk.

In hindsight it was cruel.
A week later I felt numb again and a month later I broke down completely. It's better if feelings like this remain forgotten, because it's torturous if they're taken away from you again.

I know the feeling with the veil

I think a lot of us have it and know we have it. The real question is even though you know it's there, like how do you get rid of it? For good

Regarding the last part, I experienced it lately all the time, through the course of 1 day or max 2. I manage to pull myself out a bit, motivate myself, see everything in a brighter way and then I fall back in an even darker spot, even more discouraged.
Really f. up that it's so hard to get out even a bit from that state but to fall back or even worse is so so easy.

 

[FuneralCry]

Never, I've never really wished to exist in the first place anyway, existence has always been something that is both tiresome and caused feelings of dread, existing is burdensome and there's no peace and relief from suffering in existing. And I wish to die as I have awareness of how existence isn't worth enduring for me and is just something that causes unnecessary harm.

 

[Zegers]

Probably in early years of school, but it don't reach that level of 'awesome' my life was littered with problems, disability, rejection from the time i entered school, screwed family with all that entails.

 

[Darkover]

i've not even felt okay for 7 years everyday life a struggle with a brain injury

 

[distantutopia]

The last time I was really happy was ages ago, I don't even know why or when I was happy, I'm not even ok, I just exist in all of this chaos. I have to physically force myself to laugh or smile, everyone keeps telling me to smile more and be happy. I can't, I just can't force it anymore.

 

[CW36]

Yesterday, when I watched the Dons defeat Hollywood FC 5-3

 

[venin]

Never, I've never really wished to exist in the first place anyway, existence has always been something that is both tiresome and caused feelings of dread, existing is burdensome and there's no peace and relief from suffering in existing. And I wish to die as I have awareness of how existence isn't worth enduring for me and is just something that causes unnecessary harm.

I mean I hate life and people and everything but you surpass me. What made you hate life this much, if I might ask?

i've not even felt okay for 7 years everyday life a struggle with a brain injury

Sad to hear that… hope it gets a okay at least

The last time I was really happy was ages ago, I don't even know why or when I was happy, I'm not even ok, I just exist in all of this chaos. I have to physically force myself to laugh or smile, everyone keeps telling me to smile more and be happy. I can't, I just can't force it anymore.

I can't force it anymore either & them telling me to be happy or enjoy life or other shitz makes me wanna spit them in the face

 

[winamp]

either the last time I had a conversation with someone here

or a year ago when I was not aware/oblivious to how much my only friend (former) did not care about me at all

 

[venin]

Yesterday, when I watched the Dons defeat Hollywood FC 5-3

 

[Xta4Love]

A week ago. Went to a metal festival. Met some people from before. Had a lot of beer. Got very drunk. Metal music+beer+connecting to people= happy me

 

[FuneralCry]

I mean I hate life and people and everything but you surpass me. What made you hate life this much, if I might ask?

Because of all the endless suffering it's caused existing beings to experience so unnecessarily. Existence is just so harmful.

 

[venin]

A week ago. Went to a metal festival. Met some people from before. Had a lot of beer. Got very drunk. Metal music+beer+connecting to people= happy me

Sounds f.ing great

 

[Xta4Love]

Sounds f.ing great

It was!!!

 

[HappyForever?]

When I was still in love. The hugs and kisses and long conversations and long walks and silly jokes. I miss being loved.

 

[venin]

When I was still in love. The hugs and kisses and long conversations and long walks and silly jokes. I miss being loved.

My god I miss that too

 

[Sad Avocado]

The last time I felt really good and at peace was last night when I am unconcious and sleeping. Talking about the time in which I am awake it was like 1.5 years ago when I had almost everything that a person could wish for. After some weeks it all went downhill till now