When You’re Alive but Not Living

[NumbForLife]

Some nights make you realize just how fucking exhausted you are from fighting the same battles over and over.

It's hard to explain how desperate you can get when you've spent your whole life unable to feel the things other people can.

I've spent my entire life numb and I'm just so tired of this.

I'm tired of just existing, just trying to stay alive from one day to another barely able to function, and making decisions I normally never would just because I'm so fucking tired of living like this.

I don't even want much out of life anymore. I just want to know what it feels like to actually experience life and feel connected to it.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Ah well....sounds like you can go either way which is good. Get better or leave this existence if you want. The choice is yours.

 

[NumbForLife]

Ah well....sounds like you can go either way which is good. Get better or leave this existence if you want. The choice is yours.

Sadly getting better is not exactly a choice for me. I've been trying to get better for years and have tried numerous medical treatments, but nothing has worked for me. Wanting to get better and being able to get better aren't the same thing.

So I'm left with the very difficult decision of either I live this unbearable life or I take myself out. I bought all the stuff for the method over the last several weeks in case I'm ready to attempt soon. I'm not sure if I'll be able to soon or not tho.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Sadly getting better is not exactly a choice for me. I've been trying to get better for years and have tried numerous medical treatments, but nothing has worked for me. Wanting to get better and being able to get better aren't the same thing.

So I'm left with the very difficult decision of either I live this unbearable life or I take myself out. I bought all the stuff for the method over the last several weeks in case I'm ready to attempt soon. I'm not sure if I'll be able to soon or not tho.

Same boat as me really. Long term chronic mental I'll health(very moderately managed at best).

 

[NumbForLife]

Same boat as me really. Long term chronic mental I'll health(very moderately managed at best).

Dang that's tough. I'm sorry you're in the same boat.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Dang that's tough. I'm sorry you're in the same boat.

It's not good but I do not fear death. Was talking to a Catholic yesterday and he warned me against suicide. But I am guided by my own instincts. No disrespect to Catholics; some seem very nice people but I just can't get on the band wagon.

 

[NumbForLife]

It's not good but I do not fear death. Was talking to a Catholic yesterday and he warned me against suicide. But I am guided by my own instincts. No disrespect to Catholics; some seem very nice people but I just can't get on the band wagon.

Over time I've gotten to the point where I fear it less, but generally I have a very strong survival instinct keeping me here. Yeah, nobody really knows what happens afterwards, and I feel like I just want nothingness at this point.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I think it is nothingness. Just peace. Regardless it is wise for me to believe in nothingness.

 

[watergun88]

do u live in a big city ? that would be the reason of numb to life.

 

[darksoul999]

I can relate.

unfortunately, in this capitalistic society you need money to literally buy experiences worth having.

The average income only afford the most basic, boring, and pointless reality of pure survival.

Its insane to me that people will work an entire year just to afford one of these experiences to then go back to a pointless existence.

That is why honestly, true freedom is beyond death.

 

[Nat.]

I really understand how you feel. I don't think I can experience joy the way other people do. I like playing with my cats or reading a book quietly, but I never feel like those things make life worth living. I've been self-harming since I was eleven to feel something, and I think at this age there's no fixing me. I wish we could all be okay while living, or have access to a painless and safe death.

 

[NumbForLife]

I can relate.

unfortunately, in this capitalistic society you need money to literally buy experiences worth having.

The average income only afford the most basic, boring, and pointless reality of pure survival.

Its insane to me that people will work an entire year just to afford one of these experiences to then go back to a pointless existence.

That is why honestly, true freedom is beyond death.

I understand this perspective because so many people work jobs they hate and live paycheck to paycheck. It's only the lucky ones that get to do something they like and sometimes run their own business doing it.

I really understand how you feel. I don't think I can experience joy the way other people do. I like playing with my cats or reading a book quietly, but I never feel like those things make life worth living. I've been self-harming since I was eleven to feel something, and I think at this age there's no fixing me. I wish we could all be okay while living, or have access to a painless and safe death.

It's a brutal existence. There's no fixing me either. I'm at my breaking point so I started drinking again since Friday after several years of avoiding alcohol due to a physical illness. I've also been seriously considering doing some drugs for the first time ever to see if they'll help me break through the numbness. It's not my fault no medical treatments ever worked for me. I just can't take this anymore.