When you know that it is over?

[Beachedwhale]

I'm gay & I've had plenty of sex with guys, some of whom were pretty hot & even loved me & wanted a serious relationship, but I've always been depressed. I've been told I'm handsome & really funny a thousand times, but I've always hated myself. Sex can't cure you of anything if you don't like yourself, it's just a pleasant distraction. Nothing & nobody can help you if you hate yourself. Self-acceptance/self-compassion is the only thing that matters. It sounds like trite hippy bullshit, but it's true. Too bad it's incredibly hard to love yourself if you were treated like shit as a kid or you have a mental illness.

I havent tried it myself but tons of people have said that psychedelics bring out childhood trauma so that can be 'processed' in such a way that leads to self acceptance and self love. Im sure you've heard of the research showing psilocybin can treat depression very well. Candyflipping (lsd plus mdma) is another one... Mdma has been shown to have huge efficacy in treating cptsd.

Have you considered any of that? I might try it as a last resort although Im very close to ctb.

 

[motel rooms]

Have you considered any of that? I might try it as a last resort although Im very close to ctb.

I did a psychedelic (a slightly modified form of LSD that was legal in Europe at the time) while listening to relaxing music in my dark
bedroom. I don't believe in God, but when the drug kicked in I suddenly felt incredibly loved & protected by a force of what I can
only call pure love. I felt connected to the entire universe for a couple of hours. I cried & cried tears of gratitude. When the trip was
over it was like I was exiled from paradise back into hell, I felt conned & I wanted to kill myself even more than usual. I took this
psychedelic about 10 times over a period of 10 months; I never had a bad trip once, in fact each one was incredible, but my
depression never lifted & I still feel disconnected from everyone.