Discussion When was the last time you were happy?

[Silvermorning]

Never, but at least before the lockdowns, I had some hope left. Covid has been the last straw for a lot of people.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

I don't remember really. But my memory isnt the best now due to my severe depression. My brother makes me happy in the moment, but not like... Happy as a state of mind or living. Yea, I don't have much hope for that to happen, but I'm trying my best to hold on for my brother but... It's not looking good day by day.

 

[Mr2005]

Really happy 2003. Just not wanting to kill myself 2009

 

[VisionsOfHell]

When I was in love for the first (and last) time in 2015. The world felt truly magical, like a filter has been lifted off the world and youre seeing it in its true colors again (similar to when youre a child).
Unfortunately I only found out I was really in love when she left, since she only spent the summer in my hometown...

 

[Dead beat dad]

I mean genuinely happy? My mind has become conditioned to the misery I legitimately can't pin a recent memory that in that moment I was happy.

Know that feeling brother. I think it's a sliding scale, the older I get the happier I was and maybe a brief period between 2008-2009, but apart from that I eat the cookie, have the orgasm, smoke the cigarette and then resume misery as usual. Gee that's depressing...

 

[Cherrypea]

New years eve 1999

 

[Sherri]

When I was a child .

 

[paininme]

I don't think I ever have reached a level of true happiness I mean I have experienced happy times and events but never deep down contentment and happiness

 

[AbsoluteNothingness]

There's no "last time where I was 'happy'" because nothing "bad"/"sad"/"tragic"/"traumatic"/"painful"/"difficult" (or whatever those """negative""" 'words' mean lol) has ever happened to 'me'/'in my life' and isn't happening at all and never will and I just don't want to be 'happy' nor literally any other 'way'/'positive way'/'type' of 'way' at all. I don't want to be 'happy' nor "feel 'alive'" nor 'enjoy' nor literally any other """positive"'" 'thing' (or whatever the fuck "positive" and "negative" means lol), and before you assume saying things like: "yOu dOnT wAnT to bE hApPy nOr aNy OtHer GoOd/pOsItIve tHinG? tHatS bEcAuSe oF a ReAsOn bEcAusE tHaTs nOt NoRmAL aNd NoT lOgIcAl**" "yOu aRe sUfFeRiNg aNd oR havE lOsT mOtiVatIon aNd wIlL tO lIvE aNd hAvE lOsT iNtErEsT iN lIfE aNd tHinGs mAybE bEcAusE oF dEpReSsiOn oR whAtevEr oTheR 'rEaSoN'/'prObLeM'/'iSsUe' Or iTs bEcAusE yOu hAtE yOursElf aNd lAcK cOnfIdEncE iN yOuRseLf aNd hAvE lOw sElf-eSteEm aNd tHinK yOu dOnt dEsErVe aNytHiNg gOoD like bEINg hapPy, yOu sAy tHat pRoBAbLy bEcAusE yOu dOnt valUe yOurSelf** aNd yOu tHinK You dOnT deSerVe tHaT nOr anY otehEr (**it's not that i ""dont value myself"", i dont """value""" [or whatever the fck that """positive""" 'thing' couldn't give any less of a flying fuck if it's "positive" or "negative" or whatever lmao means/is] 'myself' nor anyone/anything in general no matter 'what'/'how'/'who' the damn fck it is i DONT want to 'have' ANY 'value' nor any other """"positive"""" 'thing' at all or whatever that crap is lmao. I couldnt care any fucking less ffs what i want/the ONLY THINF I WANT/WANT TO WANT is to not be existent at all/to not be anything, anyone, anywhere at all/NON-EXISTENCE, not this nor any other thing at all whatever/however it is lol. i dont want to be 'someone'/'something' 'in life'/'in my life' nor any other fcking crap lmao. I dont give a damn sht about that crap nor about literally any other single type of thing lol.)
(((((its not because of any of that crap lmfao i neither "hate" 'myself' nor anyone/anything else nor ""lack 'confidence'"" or whatever tf 'confidence' means lol i dont want to 'have' any "confidence" or whatever tf that is/that means/that's called nor literally any other """"positive"""" crap lol why do i have to? what if I literally just don't give a damn shit about anything? i never asked to exist at all as anywhere/anywhere nor 'experience'/'be part of'/'participate in' ANYTHING AT ALL of any type anywhere at all nor be 'born'/be 'brought' ANYWHERE at all, this was all the 'decision' of 'others', not 'mine', what two 'human bodies'/'human beings'/'people' wanted, not 'me'. ok 'they' 'brought' 'me' 'here', but what if i simply just dont want to and have no "interest" at all and dont want to and never will why do i have to about anything at all whatever/however it is nor 'care about' anything and dont want to 'care' about absolutely anything at all, why do i have to lol no matter what/how it is etc? why cant i? why wanting/caring/having "interest", "curiosity" and all that crap is 'ok' and JUST SIMPLY NOT WANT (NOT not want "because of.../because of a 'reason'/'because this and that'/because this and that is this and or that way/because this and or that happens/because there are these things and not others and not another way. ITS NOT THAT I DONT WANT ANYTHING/DONT WANT TO 'LIVE'|'EXPERIENCE' 'LIFE' BLAH BLAH ETC/DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING and don't want to and never will lmao "because of a reason" ffs))))) aNd/bEcAuSe tHat yOuRe uSeLesS aNd a FaiLuRe aNd tHat yoU fEeL lIkE yOu dOnt bElOnG** And tHat yOure NoT gOoD eNoUGh aNd tHat You're UseLesS" (lol as if i gave a shit if im "useless" , "useful" or wahtever the fuck lmao i dont want to be "useful"/"valuable"/"important"/"worthful" nor any other "positive" way lol) (lmfao i dont want to be "good enough" for absolutely any fucking shit. For absolutely any thing of any type/way at all. "IM sUrE yOuVe nEvEr bEeN likE tHiS, tHere hAs bEeN sOmEtHing gOiNg On iN yOur lIfE, aN ObstAcLe, sOmethInG tHat yOu cOulDnT gEt/acHieVe oR tHat yOu lOsT o [**it's not that i dOnt bElOng hEre or there or whatever the fuck LMFAO, i couldn't give any less of a sht if i "belong" or "not belong" lmfao. I dont want to "belong"/"fit in" anywhere at all whatever/however the fck it is or whatever the fuck that means, not only i dont want to belong on 'earth'/'this world' [[and it's not because of any fucking reason at all, it's NOT bEcAuSe of hOw It iS/tHe wAy It iS/bEcAusE its tHiS oR tHaT wAy/bEcAusE its 'lifE'|'eXisTeNce' "iN tHiS woRld|pLanEt aNd nOt iN aNotHer"/"bEcAuSe iTs a PaRtIcUlar|sPecIfIc wAy tHat i dOnT lIkE|dOnT aGrEe wItH"/bEcAuSe iTs a wOrlD|pLanEt But wItH ""tHis lIfE""/""tHiS kInD oF lIfE""/bEcAuSe , nor literally any other anywhere else lol REGARLDESS (and couldn't care any less. it doesn't "affect"/"worry" 'me' at all lol, why does it have to "worry" 'me'? why tf do i have to care about/want/want to 'like'/be "interested" in/want to 'do' etc or whatever, 'something'/a 'thing'?? lol, why is that a "rule"? why is that an "obligation"? why can't I literally JUST NOT WANT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING (never had never will whatever/however it is and NEVER will want to want and couldn't care any less how it is etc lol, will never give a damn sht) WITHOUT IT BEING "TEMPORARY"/A "PHASE"/"DEPRESSION"/"APATHY"/"LOSS OF INTEREST"/"LACK OF MOTIVATION* /"BAD LIFE"/"BORING LIFE"*/"BAD EXPERIENCES"/"BAD SITUATION"/"LOW SELF-ESTEEM"/"NIHILISM"/"IDENTITY CRISIS"[or whatever the fck that means lmfao]/"LONELINESS"[lol as if that "worried"/"affected" me lmao, i WANT to be alone, i simply just have no "interest" at all in absolutely anyone 'whoever'/'whatever'/'however' tf 'they are' ] /"HOMELESSNESS"[lmfao i have 'shelter'/'food'/'warmth'/'comfort'/'water'/'bed' /'clothes' etcetc and access to many other """positive"""/"""great""" 'things' and all that crap and i couldnt give any fcking less of a damn fck lmao i dont 'want'/'need'/'like' [[NO. it's not that i "dont like" 'something'/'anything' as if i was 'someone' who wants to 'like' 'things' but doesn't bEcAusE oF a ReAsOn or whatever tf, i dont want to 'like'//i dont want to want to 'like' anything at all lmfao why tf do i have to? why cant i literally simply just dont give a damn fuck about anything at all in general at all whatever/however it is WITHOUT IT BEING BECAUSE OF A REASON? I NEITHER "like" nor "dislike"/"hate" anything nor have anything "against" anything/anyone whatever/however it is/they are blah blah. Im not 'against' anything at all. I don't "hate"/"dislike" nor "like"/"love" ANYTHING ffs. I just dont give a damn fck ffs. EVERYTHING/ANYTHING no matter what/how/the way it is etc is completely indifferent to 'me' has always been and will always be* and please dont reply this post because it will be an assumption whatever it's what you write as answer, and thats it ffs it's not because of any damn 'reason'.]] NOR ABSOLUTELY ANY OTHER SINGLE FCKING 'REASON' OF ANY TYPE/WAY AT ALL. there. Is. No. Reason. At. All. and well tbh I wont give a sht anymore if this isn't believed/understood, and if whoever reads this answers with an assumption I wont read it lol, I've disabled notifications.
{as if i gave a fck about all this lmfao and NO it's not because of any of those 'reasons' nor literally ANY other 'reason' at all. i don't give a damn about anything whatever/however it is I've NEVER gave a shit and never will lol} *lmao as if i gave a fcking sht if 'my life' is "bad"/"boring" /"meaningless" or whatever other """"""""negative"""""""" 'way'/'type of life' lol i literally simply just dont want to have/live /experience /do ANY 'life' of ANY 'way'/'type'/'kind' at all ANYWHERE at all, neither from "planet 'earth'" /"the world" /"this existence" [NO MATTER HOW IT IS, NOT bEcAusE oF hOw/thE wAy iT iS] As if if i gave a shit if 'life'/'my life'/'whoever's 'life' is "meaningful"/"useless"/"useful"/"helpful"/"purposeful"/"dull"/"valuable"/"valueless"/"interesting" or whatever the damn fck lmfao I dont want to have/love any 'life' of ABSOLUTELY ANY 'TYPE' AT ALL i JUST DONT. [*lmfao as if not having any "motivation" or whatever that means ""worried""/""affected"" 'me' or something i DONT want to be 'motivated' about anything at all ffs , couldn't give any less of a shit about anything. "wHat hApPeNs iS tHaT yOu aCtUalLy wAnt tO cAre aBoUt tHinGs bUt nOtHing tHat tHere iS iN LiFe|tHe wOrlD|pLaNeT eArTh/tHat lIfE|pLanEt eArTh|tHe wOrlD hAs iNtEreStS yOu aNd yOu dOnt lIke tHe pArTicULAr tHinGs tHat tHeRe aRe mAyBe sImpLy bEcAuSe tHey aRe tHoSe tHinGs* aNd Or aN sPeCiFic wAy tHat yOu dOnt lIkS "And nOt oThErS Or tHeYrE jUsT sImPly tHinGs yOu dOnT lIkE oR a WaY/tYpE tHat yOu dOnT lIkE
i just literally DONT, neither 'here'//"in 'this world'"//"in 'this planet'"//"in 'this existence'" NOR ANYWHERE else in general nor any other 'thing' at all. [{as if there were more 'worlds'/'lives' lmao I hope not, i just literally dont not want to 'exist', just don't ffs, it's NOT because of any fcking 'reason' at all, nothing "bad" has ever happened/happens to 'me', im not a "nihilist"/"antinatalist" or whatever the fuck that means, I dont give a fckng sht if "bringing a 'baby'" to 'existence'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'life' has a ""good""/""bad""/""negative"" 'connotation'/'meaning', i dont give a single fck if "having 'children'|'kids'"/"bringing a 'baby' 'here' is a "'negative""/""bad"" or ""positive""/""good"" 'thing' lmfao it's completely indifferent. I neither "like" nor "dislike" any of 'this' nor literally anything in general nor have any ""negative"" nor ""positive"" 'opinion'/'position'/'point of view'/'perspective'/'perception' about ANYTHING, I dont think neither ""negatively"" nor ""positively"" about anything at all lol, i just simply COULDN'T CARE ANY LESS.
And I couldn't give any less of a sht if 'life'/'existence'/'the world'/'planet earth' or whatever the fck is "meaningless"/"pointless" or "meaningful"/"worthful"/"worthwhile"/"enjoyable"/"interesting" or whatever the fck all that means or whatever other 'way' lol i just literally dont give a damn sht. I dont give a sht if 'something'/whatever 'thing' has "meaning"/is "meaningful" or "not"/is "meaningless" or whatever tf that means loool. I dont want absolutely anything to have a "meaning"/be "meaningful" or whatever tf thats called/that means anyway
((it's not that i "dont deserve" anything "good" aNd Or bEcAusE Of tHiS or tHaT or whatever the fuck "good" means, I JUST DONT GIVE A SHT. NEITHER ABOUT IT NOR ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL regardless what/how it is. THATS IT. i couldn't give any less of a damn sht if i "deserve" it or "not" lmfao im just saying that I dont give a damn sht, I dont want/dont care at all about anything, much less anything "positive"/"good" or whatever that means lmao, ok it's 'good'/'positive', ok and? so what? why do I have to fucking care and want "good things"? that i don't want ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING (in general whatever/however it is/ "good"/"positive" doesn't mean that it's bEcAusE oF a ReAsOn, bEcAuSe i ""dOnt dEsErvE iT"" (as if i gave a sht if i 'deserve' 'something' or not lol, I couldnt care any less i dont give a damn fuck about anything whatever it is and however the fuck it is, I just dont want to 'be'/'have'/'do' anything in general ffs, much less "positive" or whatever that garbage is, why do i have to? Lol. I just literally don't want anything "positive", 'i' DONT want to 'have'/'do'/'say'/'think'/'learn'/'experience'/'be'* etcetc [*neither 'mood'/'personality' nor 'qualities'/'virtues'/'values'/'abilities'/'attributes' nor any other thing] ANYTHING "positive", thats it lol i just fcking don't at all. There's no single goddamn "reason"/"reason why" lmao why do i have to want to be 'happy' or whatever that means? ""YOu dOnT wAnt tO be hApPy becAuSe yOuvE nEVer AcTuALlY bEeN hapPy iN yOuR lIfE sO yoU dOnT kNoW wHat bEiNg hapPy iS/fEeLs lIkE aNd YoU uSeD tO wAnT tO bE hApPy aNd yOu Kept tRyIng tO bUt cOulDnt aFtEr tRyInG a LoT aGaiN aNd aGaIn sO yOuVe gIVeN uP tRyInG tO be hApPy aNd iF yOu wAnt tO be hApPy yOuRe gOnNa bE fOoLeD agAiN bEcAusE yOu wOnt bE aBlE eVeN aFTeR tRyInG aNd yoUlL sUfFeR aGaiN aNd wiLl dEcIdE tO gIve uP , tHatS whY yOu sAY yOu dOnT wAnT tO be HapPy aNd tHat yOu dOnt cArE aBoUt aNytHinG, bEcAuSe iF yoU wAnt tO be HapPy aNd yOu careD aBout tHinGs yOud hAvE tO sUfFer aNd gO tHrOuGh what You wEnt" (I haven't gone through anything "bad"/"painful"/"serious"/"negative"/"traumatic" nor any other ""negative"" way lol)
No lmfao it's not because of that crap nor literally any other 'reason' at all of any 'type' at all. Ive never wanted and never will (just don't lmfao it's not because of any single fckinf reason. I just literally couldn't give any less of a damn sht about 'life' nor anything else however/whatever it is lol why do i have to want to 'be' 'happy' and or whatever other "positive" 'thing' [as if i gave a sht about "positive"/"good" and "negative"/"bad" lmao. I DONT want ANYTHING at all ffs I just DONT and there is no damn 'reason' at all ffs. i dont have any "positive" nor "negative" 'opinion' about ANYTHING AT ALL. i just literally dont care? that's basically/literally it? and why do i have to fucking care/want to be 'happy' and well, 'things'/'something' in general? why? Everything is absolutely
ITS NOT tHAT "I WANT TO BE HAPPY BUT I CAN'T" for fuck's sake lol, its just the opposite. "I CAN PERFECTLY BE 'HAPPY' or whatever that means lmfao couldn't care any less BUT I JUST SIMPLY DONT WANT TO" and never will that's fucking it.
(LMFAO no it's not that i """want 'good'/'positive' 'things'/'things' in general bUt i sAy i dOnt bEcAuSe i dOnT dEsErVe tHem/aNyThInG""" (LMFAO it's not that i dOnT dEsErVe aNythIng, i DONT WANT to "deserve" anything lol no thanks i dont want any fucking shit whatever/however it is """"yoU sAy tHat bEcAusE Of A ReAsOn, mAyBE sOmetHinG sEriOus aNd bAd And Or tRaUmatic hApPeNeD tO yOu iN tHe pAsT oR yOu wAnTed sOmetHinG gOoD bUt yOu cOuldNt hAvE iT aNd yOu lOsT hOpE abOuT gEtTiNg iT afTer tRyInG aNd trYinG tO hAvE iT sO fOr tHat sAmE sTorY tO nOt rEpEaT iTsElF aGaIn yOu sAy tHat YoU dOnt wAnt tO bE hApPy Nor aNy OtHer pOsItIve tHinG (no lmfao it's not because of that crap nor literally any other 'reason' lmao, I just couldn't care any fucking less, I dont give not even a single damn sht about ""positive"" 'things'/'things' in general.whatever/however it is lol I dont give a fck what "positive" 'means', I just literally dont want anything of any fcking 'way' /regardless 'how'/'the way' it is/isn't/can be) aNd tHaT yOu dOnt [[as if i gave a fuck if 'something'/whatever 'thing' is "good"/"great"/"interesting"/"entertaining"/"exciting"/"enjoyable"/"positive"/"meaningful"/"useful"/"productive" or whatever the fuck/whatever tf those 'words'|'adjectives' mean or whatever other """"positive"""" 'way' [i couldn't give any less of a sht if it's "positive" or "negative" lmfao] or "bad"/"horrible"/"boring"/"painful"/"worthless"/"useless"/"meaningless"/"dull" or whatever the damn fck/whatever the fuck those 'words' mean /whatever other """"negative"""" 'way' lol]] and again it's not "self hatred"/"low self esteem" or wahtever the fuck that means lmao, i DONT GIVE A DAMN FCKING SHT ABOUT ANYTHING ffs i couldn't care any less why do i have to 'care'? Why do i have to want/care about/want to 'do'|'know' or whatever other fucking 'action verb' crap 'things'/"positive" 'things'???, i just dont and that's it whatever/however the damn fck it is lol have never cared and never will lol why the fuck do i have to 'want'/'care about' 'things'
(**as if i gave a sht if it's "illogical" and "abnormal" or whatever the fck that means lmao i just literally dont give a damn fcking sht about absolutely anything and DON'T want nor need absolutely anything at all nor have any "interest" at all about anything, never had and never will and never had wanted to and never will lol)
I CAN/COULD be as 'happy' as ""I want"" and ""whenever i want""" but if that's what i wanted to lol, I just dont, never had wanted and never will, ofc Ive always had to PRETEND that i "want" to be 'happy' or whatever that "positive thing" means by 'smiling' (or whatever 'smile'/'smiling' means lol) and acting 'happy'/"normal" and pretending I care about 'happiness'/'joy' and 'things'/"positive"|"good" 'things' in general bc it's the ""normal thing"", to not be any suspicious at all about anything, and thats what ill have to continue doing if i dont want to be assumed to be "depressed" or whatever other "bad"/"negative" thing and be sent to a psychiatrist/psychologist. No one/nothing is preventing 'me' to be 'happy', just the opposite. 'My parents' want me to be 'happy' and 'healthy' and 'enjoy life'/'have fun'/'be myself'/'be' 'free'/'be' 'independent'/'be' however i want to be'|'the person-type of person I want to be' and 'live' 'life'/'my life' 'the way I want to' and have/live 'the life I want to' and 'do'/'like'/'desire'/'wish'/'enjoy'/'experience' etcetc blah blah 'whatever i want to' and many other "positive"/"good" 'things' and I couldn't. Care. Any. Damn. Less. Lol. I have no 'disabilities'/'illnesses'/'mental illnesses' nor any other "bad"/"negative"/"tragic"/"traumatic"/"painful" 'thing'
I've never had (and don't have and I doubt i will and if i 'will' i don't give a shit lol) any "bad"/"painful"/"tragic"/"disappointing"/"regretful"/"horrible"/"sad" 'events'/'experiences'/'situations'/'moments'/'circumstances' and i, again, DON'T CARE. I mean, why wanting "positive things"/'life'/'to live and exist'/'existence'/'the world'/'planet earth'
I don't give a shit how general existence and 'existencr' 'here' on 'planet earth' is/can be. I don't want any sort/type/kind/way of 'existence'/'world'/'life'/'planet'/'consciousness'/'awareness' nor literally ANY other thing of absolutely any other type.
It's not that i don't want to live/experience/don't care about/don't have any "interest"
I neither "dislike"/"hate" nor "like"/"love" anything nor anyone in general at all. No, I have nothing "against" anything/anyone whatever/however the fuck it is.


'I' can/could be 'happy' or whatever the fck that "positive thing" means, whenever I want/at any time 'I' 'want' as many times 'I' 'want' if thats what I wanted lol but i just literally dont (and THERES NO REASON AT ALL, and assume all you want i dont really give a sht anymore if whoever reads this will assume whatever sht lmao, i wont read it that's for sure lol) and I understand why do 'i' have to. Before assuming anything, no i don't "hate" 'myself' at all nor have absolutely any "self hatred" at all nor any type of "low self esteem" 'issues', just bc I simply just literally seriously (and proudly) PERMANENTLY (and its NOT because of any 'reason' at all ffs) just literally dont want to 'be' 'happy' nor any other """"positive"""" 'thing' (couldnt care any any less if it's "positive" or "negative" or whatever lmao) that DOESNT i """""''hate'' 'myself'"""""", that DOESNT mean i """""dOnT vAlUe (well and the question is, why the fuck do i have to "value"/"want to 'value'" 'something'/'someone' in general? i dont 'value'/don't want to 'value' ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING/ANYONE AT ALL and dont give a sht what/how it is**, not only i dont want to 'value' "myself" lol and again that doesnt meant that i 'have' """self-esteem ''issues''"""//"""low self-esteem"""/"""self hatred""" or whatever all that means LMFAO. I simply literally just DONT fucking care (nor want to care and never will) about anything, absolutely anything. that's it, and there is absolutely NO REASON at all. but well, no matter how much i 'try' to "explain" there are gonna be 'people' and who will make assumptions like "yOu dOnt wAnT tO be HaPpy bEcAuSe yOu hAvE lOw sElF eSteEm oR yOu hAvE tRaUmA oR yOu hAvE fEAr oF dIsApPoInTmEnT fOr NoT bEiNg aBle tO gEt aNd aChIeVe wHat you wAnt And Or yOu lOsT sOmetHinG tHaT usEd tO gIve mEanInG tO Your lifE Or yOu lR lIfE wAs bAd iN tHe pAsT oR yOur sItUaTiOn aNd lifE nOw iS hArD, bAd aNd pAiNfUl oR iTs bOrIng tO yOu oR yOu fEeL eMptY aNd Or LosT oR yOu wAntEd/neEdEd sOmeThIng bUt cOuldnT hAvE oT aNd yOu gAvE uP aNd lOsT hOpE aNd yOu dOnT wANt tO sUfFeR aGaIn tHaTs wHy yOuVe dEcIdEd tO NoT wAnt tO bE hApPy aNd Not cArE aBoUt aNytHinG, oR iTs fOr wHatEvEr/aNy OtHeR rEaSoN bUt tHeRe iS a ReAsOn, eVeRyOnE wAnrst tO be hapPy" (as if i gave a shit lmao, and no lmao it's not because of any of those 'reasons' NOR because of literally any other 'reason' at all, and why TF do i have to want to be 'happy' or want whatever/any other 'thing' in general/'things'|'something' in general? lol. I just dont and i just don't and thats fucking it lmao there's no reason behind but well anyways it'll be assumed that iTs BecAusE oF a ReAsOn anyway, no matter how much i 'try' to 'explain' lmao.
as if wanting to be 'happy' and/or whatever/any other """positive""" 'thing'/'way' was an obligation, which apparently is lmao. And i dont want to "achieve" or whatever tf that 'action verb' means, ANYTHING AT ALL FFS. and no lol I've never wanted to have (i could have had/can have 'something' "i want", im completely allowed to it and ie dont give a fcking sht lmao, I simply JUST DONT WANT ANYTHING FFS I JUST DONT WANT/DONT CARE ABOUT/DONT HAVE ANY "INTEREST" FOR ETC ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.) /'achieve'/'get' or whatever tf anything at all, so no I haven't lost anything lol. And i dont want anything at all to have a "meaning". I dont want 'my life'/anyone's 'life'/'life' in general to have ANY 'meaning' at all. **never have had cared, NEVER HAD CARED, and NEVER will. and I dont have "depression"/"anhedonia"/"apathy"/**"loss of interest and motivation" [**I've never had any "interest" in absolutely anything and don't have any and never will and dont want to have any "interest" nor "motivation" nor any other type of thing at all and never will, what's the problem about just literally not wanting to/not giving a shit? why isnt this possible?] nor literally ANY other type of "problem"/"issue"/"suffering"/"pain" at all nor literally any other "negative" 'thing'. I simply just dont and don't give a shit about "happiness" nor any other thing (NOT "because it's 'impossible' to 'reach'" nor any other thing like that. I couldn't care less if it's "reachable" or "not reachable" or whatever, lol. Im just saying I simply just don't give a shit. I have a 'great'/'good'/'perfect'/'normal' 'life' and 'good'/'great'/'normal'/'loving'/'supportive' and other "positive ways" [i put the words between 's because I couldn't care less about the 'meaning' of whatever 'word' in general and if it's "positive", "negative" or whatever and because dont give a fvck if 'they' or whatever other 'person' are 'that' "positive" 'thing' or whatever other 'way'/'thing', lol. Ok i guess? lmao.] 'parents' and I don't give a damn shit lol. I haven't had a "'bad' life" in the past and I dont have a "'bad' life" now neither.
I've never been "bullied" nor "abused" nor "tortured" neither "psychologically"/"emotionally" nor "physically"/"sexually" nor in any other 'way'. And before you ask "why you have 'hopeless' as your username then?" and assume whatever thing that IT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL, well, first of all I'm not "hopeless" about absolutely anything-I'm NOT any type of ''hopeless'' AT ALL about absolutely ANYTHING AT ALL much less the type of ''hopeless'' all of you and everyone else everyone in general is except me idk why when i joined that was the first 'word' that came to my 'mind' (or whatever the damn fck a "mind"/"brain" is lol I fcking i didnt have any fucking 'brain'/'mind' [nor any other thing] nor use it nor 'think' with it nor any other fcking shit) because at that moment I was 'thinking' and 'realizing' that I doubt i will ever find one (and if i find one it's gonna be so fcking hard to not get caught...) and have a way out to ctb. idk why I 'thought' about the 'word' '''hopeless''' meaning I dont 'think' that I will ever find a 'suitable' method to ctb a reliable and suitable way out for 'me' to ctb because to ctb without 'worries' and 'risks' and reliably and without interrumptions id have to have 'own house' and all that garbage and id first have to 'have' a 'job' and get and earn 'own money' to be able to buy SN or a rope or whatever other item to attempt with a '''relatively painless''' and ''reliable'' method and sigh.. that would take idk how many years until i have the fucking goddamned house or apartment or whatever that is and id have to force myself to pretend theres a 'job' 'profession' 'i' '''''like''''' and '''''want to do''''' and ''''have 'interest' for'''' and blah blah all that crap and id have to force myself to and make the effort and sacrifice to 'have' and 'put' '''interest''' '''''motivation'''' and ''''dedication'''' and ''''energy'''' and ''''will'''' for that shit and to get 'money' and all that garbage to finally be able to buy Sn or a rope or whatever other 'reliable' and ''painless'' methods without risks and worries of getting caught with it and to buy the fucking 'house' or 'apartment' but fuuuck thatd take who knows how many years until the fucking house is finally built. Im not in a 'rush', im not 'desperate' (well, if i could ctb i DEFINITELY would lol I'd it wasn't bc I HaVe fAmilY aNd wOuLd hUrT tHeM iF i lEaVe lol, i dont give. A sht "sorry" if it sounds """cruel""" i guess lol but i wont stay just for their 'sake' or whatever that means/so they don't suffer and because they 'brought' 'me' 'here' and want me to /want me to be 'happy'/'enjoy life'/'experience' and 'live' 'life'/have 'interests' and 'hobbies' and 'dreams' and all that crap blah blah, this SHOULDN'T be an obligation.
im not ''''trying to 'escape' the 'pain' and 'suffering''''' nor any other thing like that im not in 'pain' at all and im not 'suffering' at all and no one is "making me 'suffer'" making me ''miserable'' nor any other '''bad thing''" but damn i dont want to have to wait who knows how many years until i have the fucking house and im FINALLY able to ctb 'reliably' without risks and worries of getting caught, of brain damage, of psych ward, of 'suicide watch' and 'no more opportunities' and ending up 'brain dead' 'vegetable' siiiiigh why it cant be 'easy' to DIE ffs why. So well that was basically the reason why i put 'hopeless', i know ''hopeless'' isnt 'appropiate' nor 'representative' AT ALL for 'me' lol im not ''hopeless'' about absolutely anything at all but well i thought about me not having ANY way out, any possible/suitable methods for 'me' to ctb so that 'word' came to 'my' 'mind' (or whatever the fck a 'mind' is lmao) in that moment i just couldn't think of any "username" and bc I was "thinking about" (ew i dont want to 'think'/'think about' any fucking thing at all) not having any out thats why i put "hopeless" on it lol.
I dont want to be "hopeful" about absolutely any fucking damn type of thing lmao i couldnt care any less.

I dont want "happiness" nor "joy" nor "success" nor any other type of thing. I dont want to have a "reason to live" nor "purpose"/"meaning"/"motivation"/"drive"/"will" nor any other fcking thing like that nor literally any other thing about anything else /any other thing of any 'way'/'type', lol. I dont want to 'make' 'my life'/'life'/whoever the fuck's 'life' "meaningful" nor "fullfilling" nor "worthful"/"worthwhile"
I dont want 'my life'/'life' in general to be any fcking way/type. I just dont. Thats it. I JUST LITERALLY SIMPLY DONT want to 'live'/'have' ANY 'life' anywhere at all about anything at all of ANY 'type'/'kind'/'way' at all. I dont want to 'live' 'my life'/'life' in general (nor any other ""life"" in general at all however it is NOR literally ANY other thing at all of any type at all) in any way.

'My parents' say they dont want "success"/"great achievements"/"extraordinary things" from 'me' and that what's more "important" for them is that Im 'happy'/'healthy' and that all the rest is much less 'important' [for me there's nothing "important" nor "relevant" nor "significant" nor "meaningful" nor "useful" nor "worthful" {and don't want to there to be anything like that nor like any other way/"positive" way lmao and don't want to want something to be 'those' 'ways' nor any other 'ways'/"positive" 'ways' AT ALL} NOR literally ANY other 'way' lol.] and relevant for them and blah blah and that the rest i can want it or not want it uNleSs iTs a 'rEspOnSiBilIty', aNd i shOuld aT lEaSt dO oNe of tHeM bEcAusE rEsPoNsIbilitIes aRe tHinGs 'cOmMoN'//""bAsIc"" fOr evEryOnE/tHat eVerYoNe dOeS/sHoUlD dO and that they dont want to force me to anything and that 'i' can choose the 'life path' """i want""" (lmao i dont want to 'experience'/'follow' ANY 'life path' of any type lol but ok) and 'like' the most for 'me' and the 'one' im """more 'comfortable' with""" (lol ok, dont give a damn shit), they say they 'prefer' /'want' 'happiness'/ 'joy' /'fun'/ 'enjoyment'/ 'safisfaction'/ 'fulfillment' and all 'the best' for 'me' and whats 'best' for 'me' more than 'any other thing', above 'any other thing' and i dont give a fucking shit lol i just literally dont im sure all of you will think (and i dont give a fck lmao)that im '''mentally ill'' or ''crazy'' or whatever the fuck that means for saying this but I dont give a fucking shit lol it's the truth, I simply just dont literally dont want absolutely anything and will never understand whats so ''strange'' and ''bad'' and ''irrational'' about that lol as if 'i' gave a fucking shit if whatever 'thing' is ''''irrational'''' or ''''rational'''' lol

'Im' not 'disabled' at all, Im not 'lonely'/'alone' at all, 'Im' 'surrounded' by 'people' who 'love'/'want'/'appreciate'/'value'/'support' 'me', 'I' dont have any type of 'mental health issues'/'mental illnesses'/'illnesses'/'diseases'/'disabilities' nor any other type of "problems"/"issues"/"bad moments"/"bad situations"/"bad circumstances"/"bad experiences"/"bad events" NOR any other type/kind of ""bad thing"" AT ALL and 'I' don't give a shit lol. I mean why do i have to lmao why can't i just not want anything and just want non-existence/nothingness? Im not "suffering" in ANY WAY!!! Nothing "bad" has ever happened/happens/will happen to 'me'/'im my life' and i don't give a fck. I'm 'fine'/'well' or whatever that means and i don't care. I DONT CARE. I have everything one can want, all the "basic needs", I 'have it all' and i don't give a fuck lol. (It's NOT that I fEeL 'eMptY' aNd tHat i dOnT cArE bEcAuSe i fEeL 'eVerYthiNg'/'lIfE' It's not that "I want to be happy but I can't" no lol it's just the opposite, I can perfectly be 'happy' 'my parents' want/allow/let 'me' to do 'whatever I want to do' 'what i like'/'what makes me happy'/'what i enjoy' and blah blah and they want/allow/let 'me' 'be'/'behave'/'act' 'however i want', 'be' the 'person'/'type of person' 'I want to be' (lol i dont want to do any fucking thing, I don't have any "interest" in anything at all and don't care about anything at all no matter what/how it is and i don't want to be any single fucking 'way'/'type of person' AT ALL lol i literally just don't want absolutely anything for fuck's sake. And it's not because of any f*cking 'reason'/'type of reason', damn why it has to be because of a reason? Why can't i just literally basically seriously simply don't want and never will want/never give a sht without it being bEcAuSe Of a ReAsOn? and I DONT give a damn sht. I just dont. I literally simply just dont want to 'participate in'/'be part of'/'live'/'do'/'experience'/'know about'/'learn about|from'/'see'/'explore'/'enjoy' 'life' nor 'the world' nor 'planet earth' nor ABSOLUTELY ANY OTHER 'THING' AT ALL no matter 'what'/'how' it is.

 

[NodusTollens]

Genuinely happy... no idea.
Last thing I did that brought me unadulterated joy was in 14/15.

 

[Reach]

My childhood before puberty. Wish if I died at that time.

 

[NodusTollens]

2008. I wouldn't even say that I was truly "happy" but at least I felt alive and hopeful.

Oof- if we're talking feeling hopeful.... I would say never.

Sorry to hear it's been so long since you've felt happy.

 

[Dust]

When I was 7, I was completely oblivious to life and was carefree. Although when I try to remember those happy times I only feel a sense of burning in my chest.

 

[MBY85]

I never was truly happy because of my disability but 2016 was a great year despite of it so this is my answer

 

[AutoTap]

Idk :/

 

[Gsz1982]

Around 2005

 

[Quax]

Summer 1995, it was a hot day. So I went to the beach with friends and I met a girl.... the rest is pure history....

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

There are happy moments every few days here and there, but nothing really big.

 

[Thatdude]

I get moments here and there, but I think it's been over 10 or 15 years since I was last really happy. At this point I consider any day not full of crippling anxiety a happy day

 

[FuneralCry]

I cant actually remember actually being happy at all in my life. I have always struggled in the world, it is the way my brain is wired. There has always been a feeling of despair lurking in my mind. I have pretty much always thought life as pointless.