I drank an entire bottle of whiskey. I was so scared, I hopped in my closet and put the noose around my neck. I let my breathing become slow and ragged. I didn't tie the knotted tightly around my carotid artery. But I know where it is.
In those moments I wanted it to be over with so badly but the fear remained. I didn't want to stop I wanted to go through with it. The thoughts that went through my head were a mix of excitement and fear and wonder of if this will truly bring me peace.
What if we are punished for killing ourselves. What if hell exists. What if I just get born again to do it all again. I knew today wouldn't bring me happiness to still be here.
But it has brought me to a realisation that I do want this. I do want to die. I want the pain of this world to go away. I'm sick of the daily torment in my mind.
I think it going to happen. I will buy more whiskey in the coming weeks and go for round 2. I'm just going to play as many video games as I can between now and then. Get as much joy from my favourite distraction as possible and then hopefully one day soon I will be at peace.
It is the hardest thing I will ever do in life and it will destroy my loved ones. That breaks my heart. But truly I can't stay in thus world. I have no future worth living anymore. To much damage has been done for ke to recover. I won't post a goodbye post. I won't announce it to the world i will simply stop posting on here one day.
I hope heaven is real but I'm not holding my breath. Non existence to me would be my second choice. Non existence for eternity. No awareness. No pain. No Regret. No time. Time is the most evil thing of all. Time is infinite and thats what scares me. INFINITY. I hope we are not doomed forever. I hope the pain stops. I hope we all get some peace one day.
In those moments I wanted it to be over with so badly but the fear remained. I didn't want to stop I wanted to go through with it. The thoughts that went through my head were a mix of excitement and fear and wonder of if this will truly bring me peace.
What if we are punished for killing ourselves. What if hell exists. What if I just get born again to do it all again. I knew today wouldn't bring me happiness to still be here.
But it has brought me to a realisation that I do want this. I do want to die. I want the pain of this world to go away. I'm sick of the daily torment in my mind.
I think it going to happen. I will buy more whiskey in the coming weeks and go for round 2. I'm just going to play as many video games as I can between now and then. Get as much joy from my favourite distraction as possible and then hopefully one day soon I will be at peace.
It is the hardest thing I will ever do in life and it will destroy my loved ones. That breaks my heart. But truly I can't stay in thus world. I have no future worth living anymore. To much damage has been done for ke to recover. I won't post a goodbye post. I won't announce it to the world i will simply stop posting on here one day.
I hope heaven is real but I'm not holding my breath. Non existence to me would be my second choice. Non existence for eternity. No awareness. No pain. No Regret. No time. Time is the most evil thing of all. Time is infinite and thats what scares me. INFINITY. I hope we are not doomed forever. I hope the pain stops. I hope we all get some peace one day.
