When should you have ctb?

[divinemistress87]

Im 36 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid but started to seriously think about it for the past 5 years after my stroke. Wasted all this time on false hope should have ended it then. When do you feel like you should have ended it?

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I should've ctbed in November 2022 when I first bought SN, but I chickened out and called for help. If I knew what is to come I would've done it. Now I'm stuck in guilty and regret. Not a day passes without grieving the failures of my life. I don't even know why I'm waking up in the morning. Nothing is going well in my life.

 

[rozeske]

Im 36 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid but started to seriously think about it for the past 5 years after my stroke. Wasted all this time on false hope should have ended it then. When do you feel like you should have ended it?

I'm so sorry about your stroke. I've unfortunately witnessed first hand how it completely changes you as a person.

I'm 32 and feel like the years past 27 should never have happened.

 

[Anon1337]

I should have CTB years ago. I wish I CTB in 2019 because the past few years have been shit. Nothing got better. I'm scared I'll never CTB and have to endure existence until I die of old age.

 

[Tesha]

1999 in my 20's. Although I would've missed the experience of waiting for all the electronic and computer systems to crash on New Year's Eve. Plot spoiler - they didn't.

25 years later and I'm back in the same headspace. I'm not going to wait another 25 years.

 

[rozeske]

That's understandable. I was asking cause it confuses me when people say they should have done it at some point. If its to cope with the experiences since then, I get imagining that. Otherwise you can still do it anytime, so why worry about a what if scenario

It's true we can still do it anytime. But usually suicide isn't as simple and straight forward as that. It isn't like wishing to be dead one day and deciding to do it the next day then soon after just committing and ceasing to exist. The "I should done it" part comes from delaying your plans and giving life another chance for whatever reason year after year only to look back and realize the good wasn't worth the suffering you had to indure and not seeing any significant benefit or change in your life. That is where the regret and disappointment in your decision comes from. The "I could have saved myself all these trouble" is what brings up that "should have done it" thing.

 

[LostinTime24]

After I switched schools in the 6th grade. I'll never forget it popular girl in my home room called me a loner freak and people made fun of me ever since. I recovered somewhat as an adult but I think the islolation of my teens never made me develop as normal people would. What I did achieve as an adult was all for nothing as I had onset heridtary mental illnesses. Still now that I've lost all that I've achieved as an adult I'm just back to being that scared kid I was then.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I should have CTBed several years ago right after my big failure in life. That would have saved me from so much more suffering in the past years.

My current situation isn't the best but it's not the worst either and there's hope that things eventually turn around mid- and long-term and I'm hardly suicidal in recent months.

If I was gone I wouldn't have missed out on anything bc we can't take anything with us to the other side whether we CTB or we die naturally.

Yet I still prefer to live instead of being dead - all I can hope for is that circumstances don't push me to CTB.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I should have ended it at 16, I regret not doing it then.

 

[lostintheloop]

I did a partial suspension setup when I was 12 without really understanding it. I'd tested it and I think it would've worked but chickened out . My life has only gone downhill and so much worse since then. So I wish I just gave into my impulses back then.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I should' ve killed "myself" when I first thought of it many moons ago.

 

[Agon321]

My CTB in the past would have been inappropriate.
But my CTB in the coming future is logical.

So I know I should CTB this year.
This will reduce unnecessary suffering.

 

[dopaminedeath]

It's true we can still do it anytime. But usually suicide isn't as simple and straight forward as that. It isn't like wishing to be dead one day and deciding to do it the next day then soon after just committing and ceasing to exist. The "I should done it" part comes from delaying your plans and giving life another chance for whatever reason year after year only to look back and realize the good wasn't worth the suffering you had to indure and not seeing any significant benefit or change in your life. That is where the regret and disappointment in your decision comes from. The "I could have saved myself all these trouble" is what brings up that "should have done it" thing.

This is nuance I did not have. This question comes from a place of regret and disappointment

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Perhaps 8 or so years ago, before the sexual assaults started happening. I had depression and anxiety before that point, but those are what pushed me over the edge into having PTSD, and it is 100x worse than regular depression ever was. Flashblacks are a special kind of hell.

Did your stroke leave you disfigured, @divinemistress36? I can't imagine how awful it must have been.

 

[divinemistress87]

Perhaps 8 or so years ago, before the sexual assaults started happening. I had depression and anxiety before that point, but those are what pushed me over the edge into having PTSD, and it is 100x worse than regular depression ever was. Flashblacks are a special kind of hell.

Did your stroke leave you disfigured, @divinemistress36? I can't imagine how awful it must have been.

No, I regained my physical abilties back i look normal . Its the inside effects that im left with. I have ptsd way bad to im so sorry you deal with it I would rather take depression over the ptsd attacks any day

 

[bed]

when my chronic pain started so 6-7 yrs ago. knowing i'm most likely going to be in pain almost 24/7 for the rest of my life is not something i'll ever be able to accept

 

[divinemistress87]

when my chronic pain started so 6-7 yrs ago. knowing i'm most likely going to be in pain almost 24/7 for the rest of my life is not something i'll ever be able to accept

I had severe chronic pain for years I know how debilitating it is

 

[Felodese]

Honestly, I wish I'd died at birth. But as for ctb, I wish I'd gone through with it at 14 when I first truly had intention to do it. Before that I think I was a bit too young and clueless to have been able to successfuly carry it out.

After that there's been so many lost opportunities I wish I'd taken.

 

[prisonerofexistence]

This is my first depression episode and i hope i don't survive it.

I had severe chronic pain for years I know how debilitating it is

Damn,you have experienced almost everything stroke,ptsd,chronic pain........

 

[karmaisabitch]

Im 36 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid but started to seriously think about it for the past 5 years after my stroke. Wasted all this time on false hope should have ended it then. When do you feel like you should have ended it?

Right after my son was found dead. Living without my son is painful. The more i live the more I suffer it's like I'm punished.

 

[divinemistress87]

Right after my son was found dead. Living without my son is painful. The more i live the more I suffer it's like I'm punished.

You arent being punished life is just cruel

 

[karmaisabitch]

You arent being punished life is just cruel

Very cruel! I'm not feeling good. I don't think it's fair to live and work with this non stop pain in my heart.

 

[divinemistress87]

Very cruel! I'm not feeling good. I don't think it's fair to live and work with this non stop pain in my heart.

I know I want to go home to <3