Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,177
My life is just... falling the fuck apart. I have no real support system anymore. Which wothin my desire to unmask safely and isolate honestly wouldn't be so bad but turns out im actually a high support needs type of person.
Im fucking sick of everything. I feel.... I dunno I was sleeping earlier but had to be awake for something to come. Cannabis drinks. Which within my qaking up with increased anxiety as of late. Panicked about how im going to survive. The bits of cannabis here and there I can afford is a god send i wish it was covered honestly. Its like even with that, it works better than my medication and I can't afford how much I actually need.
Im so fucking tired of everything. I can't express how luke scared I am of my whole world collapsing and me having like no energy physically or mentally no capacity... brain fog to the point of dissociation, can't sit up for very long etc etc the autonomic dysfunction is killing me literally.
So what exactly do I do at this point? I have like 2 options and one of em being kms.... and the other is.... interesting.... living... smthin... I don't feel like getting into it bc I feel too unwell to go but maybe that would be ok. I need to talk to someone about it but im like nervous bc pf how much my health has deteriorated since we last spoke. I dunno.
Do I want tp live? Ig. Not really. Not like this anyway. Do I want to die? Kinda bc I'm not really like surviving and it feels like/is getting dire.
I dunno. I'm just feeling.... uncertain. Tired of life in ways that feel so repetitive like why keep going? Does it really ever get better? Do I even believe it will? Not really and thats the problem but I don't blame myself considering where things are. Im not gonna beat myself up about that. Bc its pointless. Im already down. I dunno if I should be reachong for hope or just acccepting the reality. Which is everything is fucking awful. Everything is falling apart. Every part of me.
Within my spiritual self I can see this as re-birth but in my human self I just see this shit as drowning. I can't keep swimming.
Im tryna go back to sleep/sleep all day today. I hope that can happen not ashamed or worroed to say I will use meds or supplements extra if needed to achieve this. I cannot handle/DO NOT want to be awake today.
Im fucking sick of everything. I feel.... I dunno I was sleeping earlier but had to be awake for something to come. Cannabis drinks. Which within my qaking up with increased anxiety as of late. Panicked about how im going to survive. The bits of cannabis here and there I can afford is a god send i wish it was covered honestly. Its like even with that, it works better than my medication and I can't afford how much I actually need.
Im so fucking tired of everything. I can't express how luke scared I am of my whole world collapsing and me having like no energy physically or mentally no capacity... brain fog to the point of dissociation, can't sit up for very long etc etc the autonomic dysfunction is killing me literally.
So what exactly do I do at this point? I have like 2 options and one of em being kms.... and the other is.... interesting.... living... smthin... I don't feel like getting into it bc I feel too unwell to go but maybe that would be ok. I need to talk to someone about it but im like nervous bc pf how much my health has deteriorated since we last spoke. I dunno.
Do I want tp live? Ig. Not really. Not like this anyway. Do I want to die? Kinda bc I'm not really like surviving and it feels like/is getting dire.
I dunno. I'm just feeling.... uncertain. Tired of life in ways that feel so repetitive like why keep going? Does it really ever get better? Do I even believe it will? Not really and thats the problem but I don't blame myself considering where things are. Im not gonna beat myself up about that. Bc its pointless. Im already down. I dunno if I should be reachong for hope or just acccepting the reality. Which is everything is fucking awful. Everything is falling apart. Every part of me.
Within my spiritual self I can see this as re-birth but in my human self I just see this shit as drowning. I can't keep swimming.
Im tryna go back to sleep/sleep all day today. I hope that can happen not ashamed or worroed to say I will use meds or supplements extra if needed to achieve this. I cannot handle/DO NOT want to be awake today.
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