Discussion When Do You Think You *Should* Have Killed Yourself?

[OpheliasFlowers]

I wish I had at 20/21 (I'm early 50s now). In retrospect, my life essentially ended around that time anyway in terms of any semblance of (relative) normalcy and ability to do more thing and live independently, and had I known what was in store for me - physical illness that has increasingly and continually deteriorated since my early 20s, worsening mental health, SO much suffering and loss and anxiety and disappointment and fear/phobias - I maybe would have. Still to this day I can't believe my life ended up like this. It's been decades of hell and needless pain and suffering. I wish I'd have had the means and the guts back then but honestly, I never even imagined things would only deteriorate and get worse and worse and worse. I always thought life would somehow, one day, get better for me. Never did.

 

[ChoclateIsSweet]

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

 

[Hollowillow]

Starting around age 11/12, I have contemplated killing myself.

Looking back over the last 17 years since, there have been good moments, but I'd set my ideal expiration date at about 19 years old (10 years ago).

At the latest, I really should have gone through with it 5 years ago when I was 24. Suffering through the worst depressive episode of my life, my motivation to CTB had truly peaked. That would have been the time. Now I'm on the fence again and wondering wtf I'm here for.

My mom told me she never wanted me to be born. A narc who raised me to believe that I deserve abuse & has no right to walk away.

I should have hanged myself with my ombilical cord in the womb. Hopefully poison that monster with my corpse. Just before me... I think another baby did that... But she had another... Oh god! Did I go back in time, failed to kill her, and she made a 2nd vessel for my soul!? I'm doomed by destiny! Why the hell am I here. Sure my agony taught me stuff, but no one want to hear how to live from a cripple... So my only mark on the world is poop.

I admire your will to live

 

[Celerity]

My mom told me she never wanted me to be born. A narc who raised me to believe that I deserve abuse & has no right to walk away.

I should have hanged myself with my ombilical cord in the womb. Hopefully poison that monster with my corpse. Just before me... I think another baby did that... But she had another... Oh god! Did I go back in time, failed to kill her, and she made a 2nd vessel for my soul!? I'm doomed by destiny! Why the hell am I here. Sure my agony taught me stuff, but no one want to hear how to live from a cripple... So my only mark on the world is poop.

I admire your will to live

I'm sorry about your mom. Have you checked out r/raisedbynarcissists? r/adult children from the ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) may also be worthwhile. The religious undertones of AA are largely set aside.

I wish I had at 20/21 (I'm early 50s now). In retrospect, my life essentially ended around that time anyway in terms of any semblance of (relative) normalcy and ability to do more thing and live independently, and had I known what was in store for me - physical illness that has increasingly and continually deteriorated since my early 20s, worsening mental health, SO much suffering and loss and anxiety and disappointment and fear/phobias - I maybe would have. Still to this day I can't believe my life ended up like this. It's been decades of hell and needless pain and suffering. I wish I'd have had the means and the guts back then but honestly, I never even imagined things would only deteriorate and get worse and worse and worse. I always thought life would somehow, one day, get better for me. Never did.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

 

[Unworthyoflove]

the bus came to pick me up several times in the last 13 years... and I could see the bus already from far when I was young. but I guess the bus I missed 2 years ago was the one I really should have taken....it was like life punished me really hard afterwards for having failed.

 

[FuneralCry]

As soon as I possibly could. The truth is that I should never have existed at all. Everyday that I have existed has only meant more suffering, there is no benefit or value to staying alive and non existence is always preferable to living in every single way. I see no point to enduring this life when instead I could be peacefully not existing so of course I should have left this world as soon as possible. There is no date that is too early, I regret staying alive this long, if I could regret existing in the first place then I would.

 

[contemplatingjaahil]

I wish I did it last year.

 

[Life_and_Death]

back when i was 7 (not really kms but i did almost die it was an accident and completely unplanned. still wish i wasnt saved though). im grateful i didnt but only because it 100% would have caused serious problems for my grampy with my parents (like most likely court/jail. those fuckers didnt even give a shit about me, they would have just started it for money and to keep face of caring while putting the one person that did give a shit through hell as if it wasnt hell enough to blame yourself for your ganddaughters death), but that aside, yeah...i wish i wasnt rescued that day....

 

[Celerity]

back when i was 7 (not really kms but i did almost die it was an accident and completely unplanned. still wish i wasnt saved though). im grateful i didnt but only because it 100% would have caused serious problems for my grampy with my parents (like most likely court/jail. those fuckers didnt even give a shit about me, they would have just started it for money and to keep face of caring while putting the one person that did give a shit through hell as if it wasnt hell enough to blame yourself for your ganddaughters death), but that aside, yeah...i wish i wasnt rescued that day....

I'm so sorry. Such a sad life.

 

[popcorn1234]

Around 21 years old....

 

[EverdreamNW]

2020. Failed attempt made everything 100x worse. I have a silly idea that maybe i'll find someone on here or just by luck and we can go out together. Stupid things hold me back- like the new pokemon game coming out in november. Theres superficial things that i dont want to miss- and i've been following that breadcrumb trail of stupid things for too long when the things that truly matter are broken.

 

[nys]

I should have killed myself as a little kid, like 5 or 6. I didn't have a great childhood, but back then at least I didn't have suicidal thoughts, and I acted somewhat like a normal kid and was nowhere near as introverted and mentally ill as I am now. Compared to now, I had no worries or problems when I was that age.

At that age, I probably didn't understand what death meant. I might have even believed and wanted to go to Heaven when I died. SI wouldn't exist for me, and if it did, it would be nowhere near as awful as it is for me today. If I died before things got so bad, all I would ever have experienced would be mostly joy and I'd die happy and probably excited to go to the afterlife, unlike the horrible death I'd die now- filled with regret and sadness about how it had to end this way. If I died then, my life would have been very short, but it would have consisted of mostly happiness.

 

[Hollowillow]

I'm sorry about your mom. Have you checked out r/raisedbynarcissists? r/adult children from the ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) may also be worthwhile. The religious undertones of AA are largely set aside.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

I tried the first sub but not for long, maybe the stories were traumatic. Do they have advice. I wonder if the AA one can help me. Reddit tends to ban me a lot for nothing so I gave up. Too many bots warning me, I got scared to read my pms. Reddit used to have a suicide sub. Time to go?

 

[TAW122]

I have thought about this years ago, and quite frankly I still (and currently) stand by the fact that if I died in 2019 (even if I was at the peak of my life - especially knowing that 2020 would be a shitshow and things continue to deteriorate in the world, plus more other reasons/factors), then I would certainly have just gone out before my living situation changed near end of 2019. Plus I had the perfect catalyst at the time too, and there are many days since then I wished I had just CTB'd to avoid the shitshow of existence that my life is currently.

 

[wait.what]

My mental health started tanking about the time I started school, and the symptoms I now recognize as Major Depressive Disorder started when I was eight. I was absolutely fed up with life by my freshman year in high school.

I remember realizing that I had a life expectancy of like 75 years or something, and I only had 14 down. There was just this dizzy, sick kind of feeling, like vertigo. Like a chasm opening up under my feet, and as soon as I'd just about grasped its size and depth, the bottom dropped out, and it got deeper. That's what the last 36 years have been like—the endless sense of falling into a pit that expands further downward the longer I fall.

I wish I'd had the guts to end it at 14. I wish I'd had the guts to end it ever. Shakespeare wrote that a coward dies a thousand deaths, while the valiant taste death only once. I'm the guy dying a thousand deaths. My imagination is just too good. I've lived those final moments over and over in my head, and since I'm too scared to do it for real, it will never stop.

God, I hate me. I'd like to get rid of me, but I can't. I'll be 50 next month. I don't think I'll live to be anywhere close to 75, because stress and self-destructive habits have wrecked my health. I'm still going to be here way too long, though. I keep hoping to die instantly in an accident or by taking a fatal head shot from some maniac (other than myself), but it keeps not happening. It really pisses me off that so many vibrant people who love life are taken so young and so unwillingly, and then here I am, a miserable fuck who's practically mummy dust, going on and on and on ….

(Not suggesting that all 50 yo people are ancient and decrepit. Most are just living out the second half of their middle-age years. They're hitting their career peak, they're becoming empty nesters, they're un-becoming empty nesters when their kids move back in along with their grandkids, etc. I just personally have had a rough fucking life, on top of rolling snake eyes in the genetic game of chance. My mom died in her early 50's and I may as well, which I'm more than happy to do. In fact, if you're the praying type, pray that a piano falls on me tomorrow. Or just a one-ton weight. It doesn't particularly have to be a piano.)

 

[Banshee]

When I was 8

 

[FailureGirl]

I should have done it 10 years ago this November will be 10 years since that first failed attempt and it's like iv been mentally stuck since ..even before that.
I'm 29 now and always regret that I was to young, dumb and impulsive to succeed back then.

Now I have everything I need but keep being held back by the fact I can't stand the idea of hurting those who care about me.. but I cant keep living for them either.

 

[Celerity]

I tried the first sub but not for long, maybe the stories were traumatic. Do they have advice. I wonder if the AA one can help me. Reddit tends to ban me a lot for nothing so I gave up. Too many bots warning me, I got scared to read my pms. Reddit used to have a suicide sub. Time to go?

The pro-choice suicide subs are gone. The most allowed now are meme subs that talk
about suicide as a joke. The ACoA sub may be less triggering, but the entire point of the group therapy is to confront your traumatic memories. r/CPTSD has trigger warnings IIRC.

 

[Hollowillow]

The pro-choice suicide subs are gone. The most allowed now are meme subs that talk
about suicide as a joke. The ACoA sub may be less triggering, but the entire point of the group therapy is to confront your traumatic memories. r/CPTSD has trigger warnings IIRC.

Yeah the only reddit sub is suicide watch. Lame.

Maybe I should but reddit gave me ptsd thanks though

 

[Gaga786]

At 14 years of age. I was forcibly sent to a psych ward and right after coming out, I had my first ever attempt. I wish I had chosen a different method and had known about this site at that point in my life

 

[Hope:-)]

Soon. It's the right time.