I'm feeling really "I need to CTB this very moment" and I absolutely would if I didn't have this preconceived calendar of when it is and isn't ok to CTB throughout the year, and I'm wondering if anybody else does something similar? The only "appropriate" months I have are January (maybe), march, June and July.
The reasoning I have this calendar is because I don't want my suicide to ruin someone else's birthday or cause stress during a time that's already stressful. Birthday months for people close to me are august, September, November, February, April and May so all of those are out. September is an absolute no no since it is also back to school for my younger sisters who already struggle with school things. I had a friend CTB a few years ago in October and it shook my whole family and additionally I wouldn't want his rememberance day to be overshadowed by mine out of respect. December is the holidays, and nobody wants to be opening presents with their dead child/sibling/friend in mind.
Since things have just gotten worse and worse, I might be ok with CTB in late September or early October since that still gives a couple weeks from each of the important days, but it still feels horrible that i have so long until the next fully ok month. Honesty, maybe I would now if it weren't for the fact I'm seeing mcr in a couple weeks. That's all I have to keep me going and I really wish I didn't like them so much so I could just get this over with already. I love them so much I've had tickets since November and it's been my only reason I skipped the ok months this past year
The reasoning I have this calendar is because I don't want my suicide to ruin someone else's birthday or cause stress during a time that's already stressful. Birthday months for people close to me are august, September, November, February, April and May so all of those are out. September is an absolute no no since it is also back to school for my younger sisters who already struggle with school things. I had a friend CTB a few years ago in October and it shook my whole family and additionally I wouldn't want his rememberance day to be overshadowed by mine out of respect. December is the holidays, and nobody wants to be opening presents with their dead child/sibling/friend in mind.
Since things have just gotten worse and worse, I might be ok with CTB in late September or early October since that still gives a couple weeks from each of the important days, but it still feels horrible that i have so long until the next fully ok month. Honesty, maybe I would now if it weren't for the fact I'm seeing mcr in a couple weeks. That's all I have to keep me going and I really wish I didn't like them so much so I could just get this over with already. I love them so much I've had tickets since November and it's been my only reason I skipped the ok months this past year
